Feeling sad after interaction

[LL]

Hi Everyone. I would like to say that for the most part I have been doing pretty well. I'm getting on my feet and dealing with feelings as they come. Yesterday kind of hit me hard and I'm still feeling it today. My ex unfriended me on facebook along with about 130 other people. It was surprisingly hurtful. I wrote him an email telling him that it did hurt, that I did care about him and love him. I was really concerned because he has often talked about suicide, we had gone gun shopping a few months before I left him. Red flags were going up for me that maybe this was a culling before doing something harmful to himself. He hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but there are so many similarities. I can't diagnosis him, but I'm worried about him. He is also a cocaine addict. His response to my email was, "I unfriended a bunch of people who have turned sour/negative on me, figured it was appropriate to include you. " I had also asked him to meet with me (for the first time since I left) because I was so worried that he was going to do something drastic. He said, "I don't want to have any conversation with you that isn't documented" That doesn't feel good at all. He was abusive, physically and emotionally and has somehow turned this around that he needs to document his interactions with me to protect himself. It really hurts. 

I am so worried about him. He is so lost, and if he does have a mental health diagnosis, the cocaine is definitely making it worse. I don't know how to stop caring about him. I do still love him. I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I can't just walk away and accept that I can't do anything. 

I have been quite angry about the way he treated me, but have for the most part been able to act with compassion. He hates me, I've been turned into this monster in his head and there is nothing I can do to convince him that I do care and that I'm not that person. It's so shocking to be the love of someones life one moment and this demon person out to hurt him the next. I don't know what to do, if anything. I want to continue to advocate for him to get help, but I don't know if that will make this worse for him. How do you help someone who doesn't want help, or maybe he does but doesn't know how to accept it. He won't accept help from me, and I see that I can't do anything for him directly, but do you think that continuing to reach out to friends to help him has any value? Or does it generally drive people with these symptoms away further?

[Shawnlam]

From what I’ve read and attempted to exercise when I was still with my exGF,trying to help them by telling them what’s wrong doesn’t work.Only thing I’ve seen that worked a little bit is just being there for them when they are upset ,not telling them what they are doing is wrong etc etc.But given you are separated I think it would be best if I were in your shoes that is, is to leave him be.You are not his care taker no matter how much you love him.You need to think of yourself first otherwise you are the one that will need help soon.It is super hard thing to do but honestly the best thing.Presently I’m hearing about my exGF sleeping around ,asking guys at work to go for drinks , partying,drugs , all in all pure self destruction and it tears a hole in my heart to see her like this but ... .it’s not our fault .We were not put in their lives to save them trust me I thought I was way back then ,but honestly saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved is futile.These states of mind lose they live in are what define them as broken and unfixable
Unless they sort of hit a rock bottom and want to fix themselves.

[LL]

I spoke with a friend today, someone who knows my ex and is a recovering addict themselves. I needed a kick in the ass, and was hoping he would give it to me. I can't help my ex, with the addiction or the mental health stuff. I have told my ex that I care and that I want to help, but he has to decide to get help. My friend said, "the thing with a bottom, is that it can always get lower", that isn't very reassuring to hear, but it's true. Another friend reminded me that Al-anon might be a good idea. I can see how it can be helpful with the addiction and can be related to the mental health stuff. It's just really hard to see someone suffering from two issues that you know they don't have any power over. It's not his fault that he suffers from mental health issues. I know there is help for the issues, but can't force him to accept it. It's hard to let go.

It is good to have people to talk to.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LL,

There's a line in a Kingsley Amis novel in which the main character says, "he really felt that it was no use trying to save those who fundamentally would rather not be saved."  Maybe that quotation could apply to your situation?

The main character goes on to say, "To go on trying would not merely be to yield to pity and sentimentality, but wrong and, to pursue it to its conclusions, inhumane."  Maybe that could apply to your situation as well?

If not, no worries, but I find those lines intriguing in the context of BPD.

LuckyJim

[WindofChange]

I think Lucky Jim and Shawnlam both made good points about trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped (or saved). It is futile. It is a hard, hard realization to come to, at least it was for me, that loving and supporting and encouraging someone won't necessarily save or "fix" them. We want so much to help them, and we think our love and support will be enough--but it isn't.
My ex is in a depression after a job loss, living in a small apartment now since our split, and running out of money. I struggle with feeling it's my fault for finally ending things and I want to help him. But last year when we were still living together, he had lost a previous job, and I had paid his bills and the rent myself for a few months until he found work again. I supported him financially and emotionally through that time as best I could. If we were still together now, I could have do the same thing this time. But--should I have to? I don't think so, despite struggling with guilt about it.
Our exes have to want to get better and have to take steps toward their own healing. We can't do it for them. I did strongly encourage him to get counseling at a place where it's free for adult survivors of child sex abuse, and he is doing that now, thankfully. But I couldn't continue to take care of him forever. Nor can you take care of your ex. I know the guilt is hard, almost unbearable at times. And I'm sure it's scary because of his drug abuse and because of what your friend told you. I don't know what that's like, but I feel for you. All I can do is share my experience and hope there might be something in my story that helps you a little. For me, seeing a counselor, journaling, and educating myself are helping. Sending positive thoughts to you!

Lynna

[LL]

I'm finding a lot of peace in giving my ex to the universe and what I understand to be God. (I'm still learning what that it is for myself), but it is helping a lot to let go. I can't fix him, save him, or make him see how much he hurts others and himself. Really appreciating this is helping me to move on. Giving the job to a higher power is quite freeing. There are still very painful moments, and the damage he has done will take a long time for me to sort out, emotionally, but this isn't my fight anymore.

I apologize now for moments of weakness that may pop up in the future that I may write about. This process takes time, and often feels like a step forward and many steps back.

[Mutt]

Hi LL,

You don’t need to apologize for the way that you feel.  The whole group is here to support each other when you have those moments of self doubt, confusion, sadness, anger, grief. You already have a lot of good advice I just wanted to ask you if you heard if a tool called radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is taking something painful that happened or someone that’s caused you a lot of pain and accepting that we can’t change reality, I think that a lot of your grief comes from th fact that you would like to see him fixed. Accept that this is who he is this is the stage that he’s at in this part of his life it doesn’t mean that years from now there won’t be improvement and maybe there won’t.

We suffer when we wish things are different than what reality hands us there is a lot of peace when we accept that we can’t change reality flow with it not against it.

You sound like a very compassionate person I’d advise to take that compassion and turn it inward and show yourself the same compassion that you show others - take very good care of yourself.

Radical Acceptance - Marsha Linehan PhD