Will I ever learn to stop giving myself over to crazy?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So here we are, almost two thousand miles from home on a “family vacation”, day four of eight, it’s after midnight, and she has once again sliped her rail, dysregulated, and has declared that “it’s ALL my fault”, and stormed off to her bed, and I am once again “on the couch”.

I KNEW this was a “bridge too far”... .but I ignored my gut and told myself that this trip would somehow “be tolerable”... .

She NEVER lets me down, she NEVER disappoints... .

Yeah... .eighteen hundred miles... .

Just got to get through four more daze of her BS, and then this “vacation” will be over... .another brick in the wall... .I KNEW she could not resist the sabotage,

Hope everyone is having a good evening,

Red5

[Red5]

So here we are, almost two thousand miles from home on a “family vacation”, day four of eight, it’s after midnight, and she has once again sliped her rail, dysregulated, and has declared that “it’s ALL my fault”, and stormed off to her bed, and I am once again “on the couch”.

I KNEW this was a “bridge too far”... .but I ignored my gut and told myself that this trip would somehow “be tolerable”... .

She NEVER lets me down, she NEVER disappoints... .

Yeah... .eighteen hundred miles... .

Just got to get through four more daze of her BS, and then this “vacation” will be over... .another brick in the wall... .I KNEW she could not resist the sabotage,

Hope everyone is having a good evening,

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hey Red5,

I know how hard vacations can be! I can't remember one that didn't have a flare up or some sort of drama!

What happened exactly if you don't mind my asking?

Glad you came by to take a time out from it all!

wishing you inner peace, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hey Red5, nothing worse than a blowup on family vacation. I've faced a few midflight. Once even paid hundreds of dollars to fly back earlier. Sorry for what you're going through.

I'm with pearls in hoping you can share a bit more about what led to the blowup.

~ROE

[Notwendy]

Roland, historically, vacations have been times to be especially careful. They are fun, but they can also be stressful - a change in routine, not being in your own surroundings, people are often in closer quarters ( like a hotel or smaller rental than home), different food, together all day ( rather than having work, school). Most of my family vacation memories include memories of blow ups. It is interesting that my kids remember them as lots of fun. I think they are worth doing- we have some great memories and have fun times,  but I am on higher alert for possible issues when we go on them.

The HALT acronym is a good reminder. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired- and this includes the kids. When we are in these states, we don't have a lot of reserve to be "present" for someone else. Pack food if you can for long trips to try to avoid hungry, cranky kids and adults. Try to keep a sleep routine.

I tried to look for vacations that included some kids' activities. Some have activities for older kids where they can be dropped off for an hour or so for a fun lesson. This gives parents a break. Also, being all together the entire time is a stressor. Offer to take the kids for a walk, or to the park , or to the store to get yourself a breather and let your wife unwind on her own. I don't know if you would get the chance to be alone yourself. I didn't - it was best to take the kids with me.

I have noticed that my H gets very stressed when he is in an unfamiliar place. He has also had some (IMHO unrealistic) expectations. This seems like a set up to be disappointed with me in some way. Add any unplanned events and it doesn't go well. One time, a friend I hadn't seen in years was in town and we had an unplanned get together and there was a huge blow up after that.

If you have children, you know how to plan for a trip- bring food, extra activities, try to keep a routine, expect tantrums if they get tired and cranky. They are also prone to fight with each other if they are cranky.

If there is an adult who gets stressed on trips - the same thing can happen, so plan for it: keep a routine if possible, regular meals, and don't add too much unexpected things to your plate. Expect a few meltdowns, but otherwise, you can have a good time. I think for people who can not regulate their uncomfortable emotions- the meltdown is one way to regulate them.  It's better for you if you don't take what she says personally in that moment. Let the episode blow over, and then resume your vacation activities. More serious discussions ( if they are to happen) are better done when you get home.

[Cat Familiar]

I quit going on vacations with my husband for a couple of reasons. One--setting up everything for animals (horses, donkey, goats, sheep, cats) is very complex as well as making sure all irrigation systems work for gardens, pastures, etc. My husband does NONE of these things so he just can't imagine why I'm not eager to go away.

Secondly, his idea of a vacation is to sit and read by the pool or beach, not to do anything else, which being the active person I am, gets very boring. If I schedule something like a side trip to go horseback riding, a zipline, paddling up a river, hiking--he gets upset and irritable.

If we visit museums, he zips through them at lightening speed so he can see "everything", while I slowly experience art at my own pace.

I think traveling makes him anxious and he drinks a lot at night. If he's not totally in control of the decisions, he gets frustrated and is not pleasant company. He will make an effort to accommodate my ideas, but I can see it's a strain on him if it's not what he has in mind and he can quickly begin to get upset.

So I choose to stay at home and if he wants to go somewhere, he's welcome to go by himself, which he does on occasion. He misses me and I'm glad he does and hope that prevents him from having a wandering eye. If he does that, I haven't discovered any evidence so far.

[Notwendy]

On vacations, I don't have an agenda. I go with the flow. My H likes to do activities - he's the one more likely to get bored. I like both active and down time.

If I have an agenda as well, that is a set up for problems. I tried taking my family to work related trips- that also had family time- in interesting places. It did not go well. I stopped bringing my family to them. Some of our vacations were to places where I have old friends and I arranged for us to get together. That didn't go well either.

Family vacations are likely to be better if I go with the flow and let him take the lead with what to do. The kids have a lot of fun and that is enough reason to not add my own agenda to the plans. If I want to do something it is better for me to go on my own or travel with the kids on my own.

We don't do a lot of couple vacations but we do travel occasionally together. Being alone in a hotel room is a set up for drama because I don't have another room to go to if drama starts. At home, we each can have our own space, even if we still share a bed,  and that cuts down on the drama between us. I tend to be more alert to potential drama in this situation, and I know my H picks up on that and that can cause issues.  I try to get a larger Airbnb rental if I can so we can spread out if we need to.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red,
It sounds like you will need a vacation from your "vacation". Are you driving or flying? Anything you can do to distract her or make things more tolerable for yourself by getting some alone time?

Cat

[formflier]

Why not get a separate room for you?  Or another solution where you are not "trapped".

You aren't trapped... .and she would be pissed if you did that... .because she likely thinks she has you trapped.

I felt weird the first time I pulled the family van over, took the keys and went inside a restaurant to get away from my wife's mouth.

It took several times of me getting out... taking her home or otherwise exiting the situation... for those to "dry up".

Wishing you the best Red!

FF

[Red5]

Just a little longer, about fortyeight hours to go, and we depart on our flight back home.

Like the post several months ago, “the thread that broke the camels back”... .this most recent trip has settled once and for all any question for me in regards to further “vacations/travel” with u/BPDw & stepmom.

Yeah, I’m done.

Never again... .

To answer a few questions,
*we are in Minot ND AFB visiting her son who is stationed here with his new wife, we are in the TLF, temp lodging; it’s quite nice, a split bedroom, kitchen and setting area, I have not slept with her one night yet, as she picks a fight each and every night once we get back here after the days visit with her son and wife.
*we flew up here, and rented a car, so there is no real way to cut it short and get away for her.
*she is seemingly fine when we are with her son and wife, but when we come back here, and my “fighter cover” is gone, well then it’s STFB.
*my S31 special needs is with us, and she brought her little dog too.
*what started it, what was the cause of the dysregulation?, well name the time, as there has been something happen ever single day to make her slip her rail.
*tonight it was how much mouthwash my S31 special needs used when he was getting ready for bed, yeah... .fricken mouthwash!
*there is no way to get away from her other than the couch or sleeping with my S31 special needs as he has two beds in his room, this afternoon I even went so far as to move all my gear outa “our” room and into his (S31).

Going to be a long ride home, we leave on Friday afternoon, plane lands in NC about midnight, then about three more hours in the car to get to home base.

Yeah, .NO MORE !

I know she is who she is, but this was over the top.

So we went “camping” when we first got here with her son and his wife, it was ok, she did have a couple of episodes, but I brushed them off, and stayed busy fishing and doing other “camping things” with her son and my S31 special needs, so on the way back to town, I was a little bent about how she acted in such close quarters. and I knew that was how it was going to be anyways... .but get this, she wants us to buy a camper for ourselves now, we even stopped in town at a dealership... .and I am thinking to myself... ... .NO F’ing WAY am I EVER going anywhere else with you u/BPDw & stepmom, ha ha ha... .  REALLY; buy a camper and go camping with you again hahaha... .  NO WAY!

That was Monday afternoon... .she does not disapoint, non she does not.

Yeah, .two daze left of this “vacation”... .like Cat says, I am going to need a vacation after this “vacation” .

Red5 will never learn will he... .

“Intermitant positive reward”... .ha!

Tools, I used them, but it is what it is... .I have learned another very valuble lesson the hard way, hopefully I remember it when she says that we are all going on another trip again... .trip is right !

What a $hit $how 

Red5 signing off, thanks for your replies and for listening,
 

[formflier]

When people as "Why not Minot... ?"  you now have a good answer!   

FF

[Ltahoe]

Dang, I thought I was the only one with this problem. I bet every vac I’ve been on there’s been a few days of major drama with my BPD wife. I’ve been broke down over it to where I’ve considered ending vacations early. Then I start reasoning and think screw that part of this vac is for me and the kids, it’s not about her. At that point none of it is about her anymore and I refuse to give in. Idk if they have a hard time excepting something good? Or is it about it’s shared time with kids(not all about them)? Or unfamiliar environment? Idk in the end though I refuse to let it ruin mine the rest of the families time. Although there’s so much you can only ignore. But continue on like their fits don’t even matter. Sure the silent treatment will come about but screw it, better them shut up than be unrealistic. I used to hate the silent treatment and at times still do but it’s also a nice break sometimes

[formflier]

Idk if they have a hard time excepting something good? 

Yeah... .it's kinda like this.

My guess is if she went with strangers or distant relatives, she would "appear" fine.  There is something about getting closer in intimate relationships that "triggers" them. 

A very frustrating part of the disorder.

FF

[Red5]

There is something about getting closer in intimate relationships that "triggers" them. 

BINGO !

... .validated & verified repeatedly !

No question about it,

Four more hours till it’s time to catch the plane home; it’s been a very long week, oh yes it has.

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

In response to countless stressful vacations, or me getting uninvited to them, etc. this summer I am doing my first solo vacation! Guess who now wishes he hadn't ruined past vacations?

I feel a touch guilty, separate vacations is not what I expected or wanted out of a relationship, but mostly I am excited and happy for a chance to rest or at least have less drama - I hope.

Yes, it is good not to forget what has happened. This is a big reminder that I simply will not tolerate all that gets dished out.

wishing you all peace and happiness, pearl.

[Notwendy]

That’s a great step Pearl. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s natural consequences- if someone’s behavior ruins a vacation - then the consequences are that you don’t want to repeat that.

[Red5]

Made it home, .Friday night, and into Saturday morning.

Flight connection delayed three hours in Minneapolis St. Paul, due to maintenance issues…

... .u/BPDw/sm (step mom), was "not happy"... .says she could not wait to get on the Delta website and tell them all what a low rent, "fly-by night", unorganized airline they operate... .I actually had to stop her from trying to “re-book” our flight smh … I said NO, they have not cancelled anything yet, just hang tight, if you cancel and rebook, then it’s on us ($$), we have boarding passes, so chill out… of course I may have well been pouring kerosene onto a red hot ball bearing …

So, .I used a little SET, and a little "V" for validation, .I talked her (steered her) into “dinner” and adult frosty beverages down the "concourse", and she calmed down a little after I got some booze into her …

Long story short, we boarded about three hours late, but made it back to “RDU” NC… and then about another three hours on the road till we got home, long day (understatement)  !

So we slept in Saturday, and then took it easy on Sunday… then her mother called Sunday afternoon… and “poof”… and then “BANG”… and SCREECH !

hmmm, .bad news, & more FOO drama overload, (but alas) another story for another day.

Yes, it is good not to forget what has happened. This is a big reminder that I simply will not tolerate all that gets dished out.

It’s natural consequences- if someone’s behavior ruins a vacation - then the consequences are that you don’t want to repeat that.

Anyways, Red5 is home now, another lesson learned (reconfirmed) the hard way .

Hope everyone is having a good day !

Red5 out ~>