Help Whirlwind and I’m so confused

[Samson1234@]

Hi all,

I’m in a desperate feeling situation and I don’t know what’s happening to me!

About 18 months ago I met a girl at work, we instantly clicked as friends and over the next year grew closer and closer. We were both with other people and she would often talk with me about her ‘abusive’ ex, how he couldn’t handle her emotions, refused to go out anywhere with her etc and I supported her through leaving him. In time we inevitably transgressed to a romantic relationship... .and wow it was amazing! She is fun, kind, exciting and we always had the best of times, I was so happy. Then, one day she scarred the crap out of me!

She bought me a card, it was lovely, a thank you card for being there for her and for everything she knew I would do for her in the future, it was so lovely and as you do when someone gets you a card I put it up on my bookcase at home. I thought that was a totally ok thing to do... .not her! When I told her she flipped, and I mean FLIPPED at me, screaming at me, accusing me of preventing us having anything special between us, ‘teaching’ her that I can’t be trusted... .I was so shellshocked I didn’t know what to say. Her concern seemed to be that my son would have seen it, I just didn’t get it. All I could say was to let’s take a minute and calm down and let’s sleak about it later to which she replied “no, how about we never speak again”.

The next day she had an important meeting, I was so freaked out and felt we had split up but I messaged her saying that I hope her meeting went well. Later that day she rang me in tears saying that I wasn’t there for her for her meeting and I had let her down! I said I thought she had dumped me and she said not and that I had proven to her I can’t handle her emotions, that I had lied to her the last year by saying I would be there for her and that she felt I had “groomed” her into a relationship with me by lying!

We got through that but I had totally backed off as I was frankly feeling like I was in unknown territory here!

Things went really well for a while then one day she stayed over at mine and I took her home on my way to work, she was happy, in a great mood and I missed her so at lunch I rang her for a quick chat as you do, I had seen a friend and just told her that he had said to tell her hi. She absolutely freaked at me! More screaming and crying down the phone, never heard anything like it... .this time the issue was I was clearly talking about her with other people! I was just in shock!

Again, things went well for a bit then she goes camping with some friends. She goes off on the Friday and I don’t hear from her all weekend until Sunday evening asking me to pick her up (an hour away). I do so and she is quiet and moody. I ask about her weekend and she barely replies but basically they broke into an old airport, set up speakers and a fire and were taking coke and Mandy all weekend. I’ll be honest I didn’t think that was super cool and I was kind of thinking about that on the way home. The next day she went mental again, this time because I was clearly upset about something on the drive home as I was quiet and I shouldn’t make it her job to call me out in my emotions.

Finally we had another random falling out because one Tuesday night she goes out, gets off her face on coke and starts messaging me and she tells me, wrecked, by text, that she loves me (we are two months in at this point!). I say this isn’t how I want to have this conversation and we will tomorrow in person.

Next day she goes off on one again! She thought I was already in love with her and I had promised her that I could handle her emotions but clearly I had lied about that and I’d lied about it so that I could manipulate her into a relationship with me and as a result she felt like I had “groomed” her!

Now this woman in every other way is amazing and perfect! And she feels like my best friend but I honestly don’t know what to do! A while back her ex randomly contacted her sending her a link to the NHS page for BPD which I assumed was him just being malicious but I’m starting to wonder if maybe he wasn’t, which is what has led me here.

Is this the sort f behaviour that is consistent in BPD relationships and what can I do about this before I have no choice but to run for my own sake

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Samson1234@,



It sounds like you are new to this BPD stuff, is that right?

But also, her cocaine use is a serious factor in her behavior as well. I have never personally experienced the two issues, BPD and drug use, in combination, but I can imagine that presents some mighty big challenges.

So, since you are two months into dating her you are still deciding is this serious right? You wouldn't say you have made a major commitment here, still figuring out if you are into her?

I have to say, I'd probably want to take a close look at each of these things. I dated a pretty great guy once, was in a relationship for awhile actually, but who used speed in the first few months we met. He managed to stop that, and then just smoked pot and drank a bit, but still... .when I look back, I wish I'd saved myself the trouble of any of that.

How do you feel about the drug use? Have you ever dated someone who uses drugs? I can tell you from experience that that can present a lot of challenges and disappointments, including arrests, etc. So, just stuff to consider.

On the BPD issue there is a lot to read and learn about here. Do you have any idea how many of the symptoms she has? How interested in being with her are you at this point?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Samson1234@]

Thank you for your lovely reply

[Samson1234@]

Sorry, for some reason only the first sentence of my reply was posted... .

Soo... .

The Relationship... .although we have only been together a few months, maybe three, we have been friends for a lot longer, in fact we met and clicked and within a month we’re best friends, she told me everything, I was her confident, she told me about her past, her thoughts that she had ptsd, her getting diagnosed with that, going through emdr therapy, leaving her ex, she told me the details of what caused her ptsd... .we shared everything. So maybe to a degree we were already close to being in live when we started a romantic relationship. The way I described it to friend was that I loved the ‘her’ that I knew and then it was just a case of falling in love with the rest, the side I didn’t already know. So it was a short relationship on paper but it feel like it’s much longer if that makes sense?

The drugs... .Do she uses cannabis all day every day to essentially self medicate. From waking to sleep. I found out after we were together she does coke regularly, extasy occasionally and when those aren’t available speed if she must. She is quite the wreckhead. I can’t say it bothers me that much but I have kids and I can’t ever ever have them exposed to any of that and she got that and didn’t ever. But I got kids so I’m not going out partying when they are with me but she is, constantly, most nights, and I don’t think that’s a good thing for me and it doesn’t feel healthy, but it’s hard for me to say in the think of this what I’m enduring to be with her and what is a healthy relationship for me, right now I don’t feel it’s a problem but in a few months I might look back and see weakness in myself for accepting it

[pearlsw]

Hi Samson1234@,

Sorry for the typos in my first reply! I think/type a bit fast at times! 

I almost feel like I'm more "qualified" to talk about a partner with drug use issues than someone with BPD traits, although I have experienced both - just not in the same person.

My SO does a bit of self-medicating, he's taken to drinking pretty regularly, but still it does not seem nearly as rough as the BPD stuff.

I just know from having been involved with people that use drugs, while not using them myself, that that can get pretty annoying. It never feels like you are really with the person, and watching them chase after their drugs instead of really, fully being there for you is also pretty disappointing.

In my experience speed/coke are pretty hard drugs in terms of getting in the way of a healthy relationship, and they are frankly really rough in terms of one's physical health. It didn't bother me much either until my first boyfriend got arrested and I had to bail him out of jail, etc., etc. That took away some of the security, that feeling I could rely on him. I wasn't a judgmental person so I just sort of accepted it, but was glad when he stopped, on his own, his choice. But still, all in all, it really damaged the relationship and made it impossible in the long run. Just some info, for what it's worth - totally your choice what you feel you can tolerate or not, but... .with kids in the mix... .I dunno. It puts some limits on you straight away in terms of time together, having her around them and then having to explain her behavior if it ever gets... .weird, or difficult.

I think though all this would be masking and messing with the BPD. Drugs alter moods and create relationship problems, they just do, no way around that at all. And then you add BPD to the mix, which is by definition, being in a relationship with someone who has issues with being unstable in terms of being in a relationship - that's a bit of a double whammy!

It's important when you are with a partner with BPD to have some awareness about their moods. I guess I'm just saying, it's complicated. It sounds like, as you've described it, there is some incompatibility in your needs - you have kids, she wants to be out partying all the time.

Best care scenario what do you want out of a relationship/relationship partner? What would make you happy and give you what you need?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Samson1234@]

Thank you Pearl,

I guess I’m actually ok about the drugs and her partying, it has always worked, she knows, understands and respects the boundaries. I guess it’s more the BPD aspects I was looking for insight into but I guess what you’re saying is the two are interlinked ☹️

[babyducks]

 

Hi Samson,

I wanted to join pearlsw in welcoming you to this website.   I hope you have taken some time to browse around and read.   There is a lot packed in here.

You're story isn't much different than many you can find here.   A relationship that starts out, with some white knight rescuing,  a perfect and highly intense relationship that suddenly and almost bizarrely goes off the rails.    Chaotic and difficult to comprehend behavior.    I was there too.     Looking to understand things that were "unknown territory".

BPD is a serious mental illness whose sufferers have highly intense harmful emotions.   Moods, feelings, thoughts, ideas can and do swing dramatically within a matter of minutes.   I find it interesting she said "that you had proven to her you can’t handle her emotions".   

I might have missed this in your post, but are you still in contact?   Typically BPD relationships come with a lot of push/pull behavior and it is hard to know if the relationship is on or off.   Are you guys still talking and how is that going?

'ducks

[Samson1234@]

Right now it’s like the whole relationship has just been dropped, last week she was declaring her intense love for me and this week I lied and manipulated and groomed her into a relationship with me under the pretence I would be there for her and could handle her when clearly I couldn’t. Barely heard from her

[pearlsw]

Hi Samson1234@,

Yes, they are intertwined because this is her and what she brings to things. Maybe she is self-medicating, maybe she is trying to escape all the emotional pain she is in, maybe she is impulsive. It's up to you though, and like I say, I've been there and dealt with a partner with substance abuse issues - all the good and bad.

How much of the time is she spending partying/using mood altering drugs? Whatever that time is, plus the time to get the drugs, is basically a write off in terms of doing anything to improve the relationship, but it would be that way with anyone, not just someone with BPD.

Given what you are working with, what would you consider an improvement? In other words, what do you think is possible?

Also, despite all she does, you can make changes to yourself... .that seems the best strategy. We can get more into that... .

sincerely, pearl.

[Samson1234@]

Her drug use cells to me quite extensive. She smokes cannabis all day every day, she needs it to function. She has a diagnosis of PTSD and she feels that helps reduce her symptoms.

The cocaine she uses when she is out with certain friends, she has lots of different social circles and in two of those it’s all about going out drinking and inevitably cocaine use afterwards until the early hours. Often I get up for work at 6/7am and she is either online or has been online in the last hour then not again till 3 in the afternoon meaning she was on it. She would never ever get up early, mornings are tough for her even without drugs as she says her ptsd makes her unable to get up and she is horrid for the first few hours after she does, especially if there is an alarm clock or anything noisy that wakes her.

She will also take speed or mdma on occasions. Basically her life revolves around gettting wrecked

[Samson1234@]

As I write this I totally get how dysfunctional this all sounds! The last time I saw her she was sat on her floor in tears because she has left her work (she was bullied so had to quit) and her sick pay has run out so she was putting everything she owns on gumtree to sell saying she has never felt so weak in her life and that if she can’t sell enough to make her rent she will have to move two hours away to her dads... .but she is still online might days at 5/6am and I don’t doubt she is finding the money for drugs somehow... .

Yet between this behaviour she is the most amazing, beautiful, kind fun person I have ever been with, and it feels like a huge thing to lose, I’ve never had someone who made me feel as special as she did, even if it was just an emotional imbalance

What would I change? I’d chang her drug use, I don’t mind the dope but I’m not keen on the coke, speed and mdma that’s for sure. That makes me feel insecure. I’d change the totally random mood swings and the flipping out on a major scale to tiny things, I’d change the feeling that I’m constantly walking on eggshells trying not to set her off which is of course impossible to do because to me walking down the street on the ‘wrong side’ of someone, setting the wrong type of alarm sound to wake up to, saying hi to someone she doesn’t want to think about that day or putting a card up are things that are impossible to predict!

I don’t think I understand what you meant about changes to myself Pearl, can you explain?

I think right now I KNOW how dysfunctional this relationship sounds and maybe I’m so clouded by the intensity of it and how special she made me feel I can’t think straight, but maybe this is a lucky escape as if the relationship continued she would really hurt me in the future. And I got two young kids and they can’t be exposed to this! They haven’t so far except for one incident where my four year old, who is having a little jealous patch (his mum just had a baby with her husband) and told her he didn’t want her to hold daddies hand ever again, and rather than deal with that like I’d have expected she just burst into tears and broke down in front of him, his words hurt her so bad but you know he is 4!  That’s the worst they have seen

So I don’t know what I want, when she is good she is amazing but it’s such a headmess when she isn’t! Part of me wants her back part of me wants to run!

[pearlsw]

I don’t think I understand what you meant about changes to myself Pearl, can you explain?

Hi Samson1234@,

Oh, I just mean, we can't control other people, how they behave, etc., but we can work on ourselves and improve ourselves in various ways. If nothing else just getting clear in our heads about we/can't tolerate in our lives, why we do what we do, etc.

Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons to the right of the board yet? 

take care, pearl.

[Samson1234@]

Ah, I get you... .I’m not in that place yet... .right now o feel like my heart has been removed with horrible force! Brutal horrid force! Maybe in time I can’t think about this ☹️

[Samson1234@]

I appreciate the gentlemways kf people here, maybe I  am not ready for that yet, it’s too gentle. Reflection and focusining on me, I can’t deal with that right now

[Tsultan]

Hi and sorry you are struggling. I know the feeling. I never before experienced anything like it before myself until I dated a man who I think is BPD. Things were perfect. I thought I met my soul mate and then bizzare Behavior just like you described started happening. One day we were watching a program that I was very interested in and suddenly we had to stop watching it and I was really horrible for liking it and he demanded to drive me to my car and go home for the night. It made no sense. It was a program about the a Kennedy and his struggles with alcohol and how he was trying to overcome the stigma of mental illness. 

Other times I would say some completely innocent comment and he would take it as an attack and our night would come to an abrupt halt and he would ask me to leave. Other times he would leave my place because of some complete misunderstanding on his part.

In a healthy relationship people talk about what they heard and ask for clarification giving the partner a chance to communicate what they actually meant. My BPD had a totally different reality than me. That was something I needed to accept.

My BPD bf was also paranoid and we could barely speak at normal voice level because he was afraid the neighbors across the street could hear. He would say make sure windows are closed when we talk so neighbors can’t hear us. I told him if you want the window closed then you need to be responsible to make sure it’s closed. I’m not going to close windows every time I talk.

I would definitely read up on BPD from this site. Learning about it is a powerful tool. I read all I could on the subject. Especially about the bond that takes place between a non BPD and the BPD. That really helped me understand why I was so attached to this man.

I’m out of the relationship now and my life is peaceful once again but for me it was a process. He discarded me time and time again until I finally got it through my head that this is a pattern that’s not going to change and it’s too hurtful for me to live with. I ripped the bandage off. I am still grieving at times because it was really good when it was good. I mean like NO other. We laughed, talked, had picnics, enjoyed nature, had intimacy, like no other relationship. So I allow myself to grieve the good parts and I move on. I am still healing.

We dated on and off for 3 1/2 years. He bought “us” a house to live together but I just couldn’t get myself to move into it because he kept breaking up with me.

There are many more bizarre stories I only hit a few. I tried so hard to understand him but in the end I needed to take care of me. Take care and glad you are here talking!

Good for you you are not alone!