Feeling caged with no control over my own life.

[surfrgrl]

I have been in a relationship for almost 15 years. MY SO is BPD and Agoraphobic. Her agoraphobia has always been an issue, but has become even worse lately. Since May she has been freaking out when I need to go to places outside of her own comfort zone. She will cry, throw up, hang on my leg. I have given in so many times, that she will start to tear up if I just mention something that I would like to do. I am an empathetic person and I love her and don't want her to hurt. I am allowing her to control me and it is causing some ill effects on my health. I feel like an awful person leaving her to go do as I wish ( selfish), but I have started to distance myself from my family. I think my own mental health is hanging by a thread. I have debated leaving time and time again. Honestly probably every other day for the last 10 years. I am scared she will kill herself and I don't want that on my soul. She has finally gotten some help from on an online therapist, however just told me she lies to her therapist cause she doesn't want to hear what she has to say. This hinders the therapist from helping her at all.  I am getting to the point it feels like Its her life or mine. We have children together, I know this isnt great for them to see her not leaving the house, and manipulating everyone in her life. I have read so many books, and I am just at a loss. How to leave? Should I stay? Can I actually help her? I have begun sheltering myself and my children for her happiness, yet she is still never happy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

surfrgrl, you are a kind and caring partner.  You have come to the right place for guidance.  This site has tools to help you.

Is your partner being seen for her agoraphobia?  I take it that she has an official diagnosis of BPD.    What you describe is very common in BPDs, and that is why they are so hard to get into treatment and have success.

Don't be down on yourself for wanting self care.  Having a BPD partner is trying, to say the least.

Look at some communication tools on this site.  Check under the tab "Tools."  This is at the top of the page.  You will find some ideas to help you and also your BPD partner.  

I am reading, "The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:  New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells."

https://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

Above all, and perhaps hardest of all, don't take your partner's actions personally.   Let us know what you think of the tools.

[surfrgrl]

Is your partner being seen for her agoraphobia?  She just started seeing a counselor for her agoraphobia, however, when she talks to her counselor she says she is doing much better. Maybe Im being pessimistic but I dont feel she is better at all. I think she is just in a constant state of bull___ting herself and her therapist. The only diagnosis I've gotten is from my own counselor whom suggested she is BPD and that was 6 years ago, but after all I have read on the subject. Its pretty spot on.

That is a great suggestion, I have read the "eggshells" book, and "codependency no more" so many times. That would be great to have some new material.

Self care is one thing... Right now, We are being restricted from going to birthday parties, my kids are not being allowed to go to their grandparents... because afterall they are her kids too. I dont like saying she is restricting us... but her fits are the reason we are all on eggshells, and declining invitations... and literally havent done anything outside of a 1 miles radius of our house. since May. I mean I even had to move the childrens dentist and dr, so they could go. I am scared Im gonna become BPD or agoraphobic, too.