After 3,5 years of no contact, she accidentally texted me

[BorisAcusio]

Yesterday she sent me two messages on Viber. "It was funny, Columbia", "I swear I had fun". I guess she was refering to the Columbia vs. Japan soccer match of Tuesday. We had a very bad, tumultuous breakup back in 2014. She told me not to contact her anymore and blocked me one every social media, which I gently reciprocated.  

How can you accidentally text someone on Viber who you haven't spoken in 3,5 years and supposedly deleted text history? Ttesting the waters? I might be already reading too much into it. I have to admit, it sent my thoughts into an endless spiral as I still think about her every single day.

[BorisAcusio]

There was no clarification either. You supposedly write something like "Sorry, wrong chat". She even uses the same profile picture we took 5 years ago.

[Skip]

Ttesting the waters? I might be already reading too much into it. I have to admit, it sent my thoughts into an endless spiral as I still think about her every single day.

It really sounds like a snippet from an ongoing conversation. It reads like a mistake... .she may not even know she did it.

I know these things are emotionally loaded when they happen. Hang in there, BA.

[BorisAcusio]

It really sounds like a snippet from an ongoing conversation. It reads like a mistake... .she may not even know she did it.

I know these things are emotionally loaded when they happen. Hang in there, BA.

Thanks Skip. I think I was overreacting.

It might be that she got a new phone, or simply reinstalled Viber and none of her old text convos got transferred. Still, this behaviour would not be out character for her as she kept tabs on ex lovers for years, periodically recasting some of them in times of distress. Sending out accidental texts are a pretty common way for testing the waters without the possibility of rejection. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter. Either the message simply wasn't meant to me in any form or it was, then nothing have changed.

My reaction was pretty much in line with what I expected, as I am still fighting with prolonged grief.

[Cromwell]

It is for the same reason that im changing my number, it takes away this opportunity. For a relationship that has caused so much mental grief I see little excuse not to change something that is easily changed, and therefore avoid this happening.

I reinstalled whattsapp about 3 months into NC, I thought I had already deleted her and blocked, somehow her number and profile was active there. It made me nauseate for a few days. The give away in your text is her bragging about having fun. Its the sort of thing my ex did, in an attempt to wind me up. The fact after 3.5 years of NC she hasnt blocked and deleted your number isnt what youd expect normal behaviour.

At the basis of it is, attention seeking. for what purpose. there is not enough to say. This was the sort of near daily behaviour that got me into a tailspin, everything had "possible" answers to her behaviour but not much ever was conclusive. As you say, you could have easily got drawn into a conversation and she could decide to just halt it by saying "texted you by accident".

it is suspicious - but nothing more than that. if it has troubled you which it has, id consider doing whatever to make sure she wouldnt be able to message again. Your post has prompted me to make the effort to go and get a new sim card today. thanks

[Insom]

Oh, jeez, BorisAcusio, I hear how jarring this felt and agree with Skip and Cromwell that it sounds like a mistake (though an odd one).

it sent my thoughts into an endless spiral as I still think about her every single day.

How are you feeling today?  Did you get your equilibrium back or are you still spiraling?

 

[BorisAcusio]

Cromwell

I am glad that you are taking steps to prevent more trauma to happen. Chaning numbers, banning and no contact, could be considered as a clutch in most intensive epriod after the breaker. However, I lifted the ban around year two, realizing that clutches only could get me so far. She was still in my head, after building all those walls. Couldn't change it, accepted it.

It was a very unhealthy relationship (cheating, lying, textbook push and pull, suicidal/homicidal ideation) and I am glad that I got out, but at the same time she was amazing in so many ways and I live knowing that I will likely never experience that level of intense emotions and connection again (trauma bond), which is exacarbated by fact that she was way out my league.

As Larmoyant so eloquently put it:

The loss happened a long, long time ago and left me with this painful feeling of being unwanted. I wasn't valued and then found someone who completely confirmed that time and time again. Wounds on top of old wounds.

As many people with emotional inhibition I also became romantically involved with a partner who were highly emotional and impulsive. When I was with her, I could feel the Spontaneous Child inside of me emerging and man, it was freeing. I felt so well and alive. Perhaps we were using each other to fill fundamental deficiencies in ourselves but it was still felt like an oasis after wandering decades in a hostile desert.  It was as if I didn't care about anything that happened before this, because I knew with certainty that at least I'd have her, and that would be all I'd need.


About the messages:

It is quite common to accidentally reply to someone else if you were exchanging texts prior to it, as the app often brings up the last thread by default.

It is an other story when you don't have a chat history, as I am yet to see someone replying to an ongiong conversation from the contacts tab. Not a convenient way to do so. And even if it happens, the lack of comment history would instantly hit the alarm. The app doesn't even let you text right away. You have to check the profile first and select instant message from there.

There are scenarios where it could still happen, but no way to tell, and it wouldn't make any difference.  

Insom

Thanks for asking. After a brief quasi-hypomaniac period, I went back to my baseline. She is exceptionally georgeus and I know that other men could rovide her with so much more than I was able to but I would have been still nice to get some validation that she still thinks about me sometimes.  

[BorisAcusio]

Well, it turns out it wasn't an accident. I haven't replied and she wrote me again 3 days later.

[EdR]

Well, it turns out it wasn't an accident. I haven't replied and she wrote me again 3 days later.

Which was kind of your gut feeling I guess. Sometimes we try to ignore those feelings just a little too much and rationalise everything.

What did she write? Hang in there!

[MyBPD_friend]

Well, it turns out it wasn't an accident. I haven't replied and she wrote me again 3 days later.
[/quoyte]

Interesting after 3,5 years NC.
But this should be expected from a BPD women.
I do agree that changing numbers is the ONLY way to avoid another recycle or contact.

What did she say?

[BorisAcusio]

She still pretends that she did not recognize texting the wrong number, writing something like "huh?" to prompt some answer.

We texted each other extensively for almost three years, every day. We went through some life changing events together,  left her hubby of 12 years to be with me, lost custody of her daughter in the process, and now she really wants me think that 3 days wasnt enough to distinguish me from some guy?

It is either very offensive or infantile beyond imaganation.

[EdR]

So just 'huh?' after 3 days?

I would say it is infantile. Trying to get a reply, but in such a way she could always say 'why are you communicating again? I clearly jus messaged the wrong number!' when it would suit her.

Unfortunately I recognise some of these little probes. Not overly visible, but surely there... .

What is your plan now?

[BorisAcusio]

So just 'huh?' after 3 days?

I would say it is infantile. Trying to get a reply, but in such a way she could always say 'why are you communicating again? I clearly jus messaged the wrong number!' when it would suit her.

Unfortunately I recognise some of these little probes. Not overly visible, but surely there... .

What is your plan now?

I do not really know right now, so I would be glad to hear some advice. No reply seems passive-aggressive and I still might want to communicate with her some day in the future, but even a reply as amicable as „wrong number” could lead to a „why are you communicating again?” attacks like you outlined , which would likely send me down the rabbit hole as I am already depressed.

Maybe not writing anything is the way to go.

[Insom]

Maybe not writing anything is the way to go.

I support this.  There's nothing passive-aggressive about not writing back to a "huh" post which I agree is more of a probe than a sincere communication.  It's good self-care (and shows self-respect) to not respond to probes when you're feeling depressed. 

I hear you may want to communicate with her in the future.  Not responding today doesn't preclude that.

[Cromwell]

I do not really know right now, so I would be glad to hear some advice. No reply seems passive-aggressive and I still might want to communicate with her some day in the future, but even a reply as amicable as „wrong number” could lead to a „why are you communicating again?” attacks like you outlined , which would likely send me down the rabbit hole as I am already depressed.

Maybe not writing anything is the way to go.

Is she able on this app to see that you have read the message but not responded?

If so, it is not only to consider to reply or not, it is to factor in the time it took you to respond.

All part of the probe data gathering.

Whether she can see if you got the message or not, id personally ignore it if you want to avoid the very real potential of it backfiring and making you feel more depressed. If your intention is to keep a channel of communication open for the future, if she hasnt deleted and blocked you in 3.5 years of not talking, I dont see much reason for her to do so now because she didnt get a reply to a text she claims was accidental.

[EdR]

I would say the same thing. There seems to be no reason to reply to such an 'accidental' text.

For me, it would be a little different if she would drop the 'accidental text'-facade. But dropping it would mean she would show some vulnerability. That would be something to behold though... .

[gilac]

After 3,5 years her message isn't anywhere near deep and meaningful, don't know if that's an encouraging start from her side... .It doesn't promise anything good if that's how she would contact you. I would also go with the no reply suggestion... .It's upon you to decide.

[BorisAcusio]

It's good self-care (and shows self-respect) to not respond to probes when you're feeling depressed. 

That is a very insightful way to look at the problem. The last few days already demonstrated the importance of self-care as the recent anxiety spike caused my health problems (besides depression) to deteriorate significantly.

Thanks for all the replies. The consensus seems to be that there is no point in risking the worsening my depression for a possible attempt that could not be even considered as an honest one, and I wholeheartedly agree.

If your intention is to keep a channel of communication open for the future, if she hasnt deleted and blocked you in 3.5 years of not talking,

Radio silence could legitimately be decoded as I still hold a grudge against her or passive-aggressiveness.

For me, it would be a little different if she would drop the 'accidental text'-facade. But dropping it would mean she would show some vulnerability. That would be something to behold though... .

Exactly. I would have been more than happy to have a conversation with her but the approach is very disappointing. More so if it was indeed accident. At this point I don't really see how is that even possible, but there is always a chance. 

After 3,5 years her message isn't anywhere near deep and meaningful, don't know if that's an encouraging start from her side...

It doesn't promise anything good if that's how she would contact you.

I can't agree more. I guess there was already too much fantasy thinking from my side.

[Cromwell]

Radio silence could legitimately be decoded as I still hold a grudge against her or passive-aggressiveness.

very interesting perspective that id not fully thought about.

Do you think there is any validity in it for your situation? There was a time I distanced for a short while and can say it was down to this. Going back to her has maybe caused her to also think that this is what it is now. (as opposed to wanting a permanent detachment from my side).

[Pretty Woman]

Boris,
   This happened to me too. After one of our many breaks, my ex reached out after 4mo no contact by simply forwarding an old email from me with the words, "huh"---which is very ironic.
Did we date the same woman?  

I was nowhere near over her and responded which opened up communication with her, thus began another round... .

You are wise not to respond. I agree with the posters here that are stating it really is about "self-preservation", opening up communication again only shows you are willing to tolerate the crap she pulled during your relationship. Remember, a hallmark of BPD is "fear of rejection". The easiest way to avoid that is to "accidentally" send an email, or request of some sort via social media. That way, if they get a negative or no response they can use "accident" as the excuse.

Trust your gut. I think you did in this situation.