How do you know if they want to get back together? ...and should you?

[BreatheFirst]

My partner walked out on me and our 2 kids 6 weeks ago. He rented a unit and told me the relationship was over. It seemed abrupt to me. We had had an argument where he had yelled at me and I told him to stop being abusive. That was his reason for leaving.

I got a phone call from him the other day at 1.15am in the morning asking to move back cause he was struggling financially. I'm wondering if this was a ploy to get back together?

I'm trying to think what i want at the moment. I thought I was feeling glad he was gone but now I am not sure.

Happy for any thoughts/words of wisdom.

[DogMan75]

Welcome to the family, BreatheFirst!

Sounds like you’re more concerned with his returning than his leaving.

Can you elaborate a little more about his behavior?

[Zemmma]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard, especially when relationships end suddenly.

You have kids together and he is showing signs that he might want to come back. Not sure if you are looking for empathy or advice, but there is one thing that I wish I had had the opportunity to try so I will share it with you.

If you decide that you want to try again you might want to find a Couples Counsellor who specializes in Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. This kind of therapy is excellent at identifying your relationship patterns and cycles. It focuses on attachment issues and styles (sometimes originating in childhood) and strengthening the attachment bond in your current partnership. The therapist helps couples in their "attachment dance" by looking at the patterns of behaviours and responses, how one person pursues  or demands, and the other withdraws. I think it might be effective for people with attachment and trust issues, codependency issues, past traumas.

Often we display anger as a secondary emotion, where the primary emotion is pain. We can learn to express ourselves differently, hear our partners differently, respond differently. The reason this therapy makes sense to me... I think the ways we fight with our partners actually does become pretty repetitive and typical. I think a professional might be able to help us change those patterns to reduce conflict and better express our needs in the relationship.

I wish you the best.

[juju2]

Hi, you are in the right place.
Mixed feelings are common to me.  I let the feelings be.   If the feelings create something, i will look at that, its a confusing time really.

I asked my s.o. to leave after 10 years, i was in the impact of the relationship, without tools, for being w BPD disordered personality.   He could seem so normal, especially w everyone, EXCEPT me.
That was the key i never saw. 

Hang in there, read here, post more, this is a healing community that has experience, strength, and hope.  Glad you are here!
j

[MeandThee29]

Write out your criteria, reasonable of course. If nothing else, keep them for yourself and refer to them.

I don't expect a conflict-free marriage, but I do expect a level of respect and grace. Day-after-day chipping at my faults is a no-go. I also put down that we both need to be in individual counselling with someone who is experienced in our level of conflict.

It's good to remind myself of that periodically, although we've been largely no contact for several months now.

[formflier]

BreatheFirst

While we can't tell you to let him move back in or not, I think  we can all agree on principles.

An "abrupt" move back in after an "abrupt" move out is likely not the best move.  Would you agree?

I'm a fan of clarity.  Certainly one thing to clarify is "why he moved out" and "why he wants to move back in".  Is it really for financial reasons?

The most important reason is why you let him back in or "keep him out".  Hopefully he will understand, yet it is even more important that you understand your decisions.

We can help you work through your thoughts and emotions to thoughtfully make your decision.

Best to you... I'm glad you found us.

FF

[Cromwell]

Hi and welcome Breathefirst

Im reading what you say as "abrupt", is this the first time he has moved out or is there a pattern of him doing this during the relationship?

[BreatheFirst]

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. It has felt such a relief to find people who "get it". 

My ex-partner had a pattern that I noticed across our 5 year relationship. He would break up with me, say its over, move to the spare bedroom then after about 4 weeks he would talk about getting back together. This is the first time he has moved out of the house though plus he put in all the Centrelink/social security forms for separation.

We did marriage counselling last year and it seemed to help so this departure was a bit of a surprise although I could tell something wasn't quite right the last 6 months. I put it down to the fact we have 2 young children,we're tired, he was hating work, etc.

I'd appreciate the help in clarifying the way forward. I'd like to ask him WHY he wants to move back as a part of me holds out some hope but I need to work out what I really want and whats best for the kids too. Formflier you laid out exactly what I think I need to sort out.

I also have so many questions/thoughts on his behaviour. I find myself questioning what is reasonable and normal.

[RomanticFool]

Welcome Breathe First,

My heart goes out to you having to deal with your partner walking out and two children also. This is a heavy load on you and you should rightly consider what is best for you and your children.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, rather than anything he might say. In five years together you have seen your partner’s pattern of withdrawing and then reconnecting with the family. This is not reliable or loving behaviour and I would urge you to put up boundaries regarding his withdrawal/reconnecting behaviours immediately and stick with them.

Is moving back for ‘financial reasons’ a wise move? I know relationships are often dictated by finances but if you were starting to feel relieved that this man was out of your life, why put yourself back in the position of him being in the home and repeating the same behaviour?

How is his in/out behaviour affecting the children? How is it affecting you emotionally? You seem very stoic in your posts here but I am betting that it is taking a heavy emotional toll on you. I would encourage you to set boundaries and to now allow him to dip in and out of yours and your childrens’ lives according to his own pathology. There is a lot at stake here and if you are thinking of letting him back into the family home, perhaps make marriage guidance counselling a condition on which you agree to continue in the r/s.

For clarity’s sake, this is not reasonable behaviour by any standards. When children are in the picture you need somebody you can rely on who is willing to work with you and build a future together, not have one foot out the door every time there is an issue.

RF

[BreatheFirst]

Just a quick reply, will write more later.

I think you're right re not letting him back in. I need space to deal with all this and him coming back would be too stressful and tge pattern eould undoubtedly repeat.

I am having bad anxiety every morning and the stress is getting to me. I need to find ways to not feel overehelmed by the emotions. The kids are doing ok at the moment, just a little confused (they are 2.5yo) so they don't really understand.

Your last sentence romantuc fool hit the nail on the head. He always had one foot out and I and tge kids need someone reliable or at tge least not have this instability of breaking up pretty much every year.

Its so hard feeling like this, i just want to fall in a heap.

[formflier]

Rather than deciding here to let him back in or not... why not "set up a process", perhaps with a T or MC where you can listen and understand his reasoning and you can express yourself as well.

Perhaps he would be willing to do a serious course of therapy.

There is only one way to find out.

Look at it another way... if the ONLY way he will come back is "without" addressing the issues present, does that help you make your decision?

FF

[Zen606]

Hi BreatheFirst,
Please don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything, making any decisions. He left abruptly, then he can wait. Do you have a therapist or are you attending a support group? Discuss this with them or as you are doing here in the forum.

Now that he is not living with you and he moved out and you have been happy, the ball is in your court. Think about what you would want to see if he lived with you again. Or what you envision in a future without him. You can have conditions, if he wants to move in he can get therapy, or both of you can attend marriage counseling BEFORE he moves in, IF this is something You want to do. Now that you are free you have a choice. Take it.  Moving in with you because he is broke is not a reason for you to take him in. Sorry to sound cold, but he can go to a shelter.
Zen606

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks Formflier, that might be interesting to broach with him. It is hard because he is not talking to me at present.  I have asked him to sit down with me to talk about our finances but he is resisting this.

Does anyone have any ideas how to broach this with him?  Ring him? Text him? I would like to know his real intentions so that I don't wonder what if for the next 10 years... .

He has not mentioned getting back together though... .just moving in for financial reasons. A true test would be if he was willing to go to therapy.

[BreatheFirst]

I have discussed him moving back with my T plus my solicitor.  Neither think its a good idea although the T did explore it with me.  I just cannot handle him back in the house if we are not a couple.  It'd be so tense and we'd be angry at each other as we try to sort finances.  A thte moment with separate houses we have our separate "corners" to go to, a safe haven away fro the "fight".

It would also be very detrimental for the children to have Daddy back and then leave again once he gets his payout cheque.

I need to find out what his intentions are.  If he were coming back to the relationship it would be very different than if it was just for financial reasons.

I agree with you Zen606 - finances is not good enough reason as he moved out and rented a flat on his own, paid bond, bought new furniture and supposedly now is having financial difficulties?

I only want him back if we do counselling and we change what we are doing in our relationship.  He needs to address this leaving every year or so and also the going  back to old girlfriends when he does these breaks... .I don't know how this is going to change though. How will he change and how can he guarantee he won't leave gain in another 12 months?

Am I better just writing it all off? His past behaviour does not bode well does it... .

[formflier]

I would discuss this with him in person, perhaps over coffee in a public place.

Don't give him a preview... .perhaps a phone call to say that you have been giving some thought to ideas he has raised and would like to meet and discuss.  Then suggest the coffee shop.

"I'm going to be at (name of shop) enjoying coffee tomorrow at (time), it would mean a lot to me if you could join me."

Very important that you go... .even if he doesn't.  Enjoy life... do things... etc etc.

If he really can't make it... .you go enjoy it anyway... .and then if he suggests a time that works for you... .go then as well.

Can you see how there is a "mindset" to what I'm having you do?  Can you "reflect back" that mindset in your own words?

FF

[BreatheFirst]

I like your ideas formflier. Is it about me taking charge and getting him to join me? Sorry if i'm not getting it. About the mindset ... .I still feel like I am in the fog a bit and a bit confused overall.

Happy for you to explain further... .

[Cat Familiar]

I just cannot handle him back in the house if we are not a couple.  It'd be so tense and we'd be angry at each other as we try to sort finances.  A thte moment with separate houses we have our separate "corners" to go to, a safe haven away fro the "fight".

It would also be very detrimental for the children to have Daddy back and then leave again once he gets his payout cheque.

There's your boundary. You know what you want. If he comes back, it's because he wants to be with you and the kids, not because he in a financial bind.

Listen to his behavior, not his words. As shown, he does not have a history of consistency regarding his promises to you and obligations to his family.