Afraid of what will happen if I leave and husband is left alone with our son.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am the mother of a 2 year old son. I believe my husband has BPD traits and an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother. We tried 6 months of counseling and he could not be brought to see it. I have told him I do not want his mother left alone with our son, and now I fear him being left alone with him too. He has grabbed my son on his inner thighs (right by his groin) to give him a "leg massage" when he was trapped in the high chair and made him cry, made evil faces at him (4 or 5 inches away from his face) for long periods of time (unable to sense he needed to stop because my son was screaming), pins him down down on the floor and makes him squeal, holds him down on the bed and demands he "sit with daddy" to make himself feel better, basically terrorizes or picks on him to get attention. When I have tried to call him on it, he threatens to leave or divorce. Every time I think things are starting to calm down, something worse seems to happen. I am afraid of what will happen if I leave and he is left alone with our son. Any advice?

[NeedsHelp]

I am the mother of a 2 year old son. I believe my husband has BPD traits and an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother. We tried 6 months of counseling and he could not be brought to see it. I have told him I do not want his mother left alone with our son, and now I fear him being left alone with him too. He has grabbed my son on his inner thighs (right by his groin) to give him a "leg massage" when he was trapped in the high chair and made him cry, made evil faces at him (4 or 5 inches away from his face) for long periods of time (unable to sense he needed to stop because my son was screaming), pins him down down on the floor and makes him squeal, holds him down on the bed and demands he "sit with daddy" to make himself feel better, basically terrorizes or picks on him to get attention. When I have tried to call him on it, he threatens to leave or divorce. Every time I think things are starting to calm down, something worse seems to happen. I am afraid of what will happen if I leave and he is left alone with our son. Any advice?

[momtara]

This is one of the tough parts of leaving, having to worry about sharing custody and what the other person may do. Am on the run now but I'll try to respond later this weekend. For now, hang in there, and just keep an eye out.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JDNeedsHelp,

Welcome to the community. After reading the descriptions of your husband's behavior toward your son, I can understand your questioning the wisdom of staying or leaving. You've found a safe place to work through this, with members who understand. There are also tools and resources here that can help the relationship.

It sounds like you haven't filed for divorce? I would encourage you to check out the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board, where you will find members working to improve their relationships. There are things that can be done to keep conflict down and to improve the lines of communication between you and your husband.

Have you told anyone else about your concerns with your husband's behavior?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[NeedsHelp]

This is one of the tough parts of leaving, having to worry about sharing custody and what the other person may do. Am on the run now but I'll try to respond later this weekend. For now, hang in there, and just keep an eye out.

Thank you for the encouragement. I will keep an eye out for your reply.

[Panda39]

Hi JDNeedsHelp,

Did you mention these behaviors to your Therapist?  Are you in individual therapy at all? A Therapist should be able to give you some good direction in the real world.

What did you do when your husband grabed your son's thigh's?

If you are thinking about leaving one thing you might want to start is documenting these behaviors (obviously somewhere well hidden from your husband) You also want to document your reactions (how you are protecting your son).  You are then able to show a pattern of behavior later.

Take Care,
Panda39

[NeedsHelp]

Hi JDNeedsHelp,

Did you mention these behaviors to your Therapist?  Are you in individual therapy at all? A Therapist should be able to give you some good direction in the real world.

What did you do when your husband grabed your son's thigh's?

If you are thinking about leaving one thing you might want to start is documenting these behaviors (obviously somewhere well hidden from your husband) You also want to document your reactions (how you are protecting your son).  You are then able to show a pattern of behavior later.

Take Care,
Panda39

When I was in individual therapy it was before I realized my husband was a threat. We talked more about the issues with his mother. He started raging at me because I would not allow his mother alone time with our son after she attempted suicide and blamed me for it. I told him I had been seeing a therapist and she agreed with me on this issue. After this, we ended up going to couples counseling. He did not want me seeing a therapist on my own. He threatened divorce a couple times while we were in therapy because I did not want a close relationship with his mother and would not let her babysit our son.

When he grabbed my son like he did I was in shock. I asked what he was doing and he said giving him a leg massage because they feel good. I told him no one massaged me like that when I was little. He backed off that time, but acted angry with me for saying something. Other times, he has threatened to leave or divorce when I try to defend my son.

I cannot just leave and go where I want when because he owns his own business and comes home to check in on me all the time.  We are on a family phone plan with his mother and him as the administrators and I am pretty sure he tracks my GPS because he pulls in the driveway right behind me all the time.

[Panda39]

When I was in individual therapy it was before I realized my husband was a threat. We talked more about the issues with his mother. He started raging at me because I would not allow his mother alone time with our son after she attempted suicide and blamed me for it. I told him I had been seeing a therapist and she agreed with me on this issue. After this, we ended up going to couples counseling. He did not want me seeing a therapist on my own. He threatened divorce a couple times while we were in therapy because I did not want a close relationship with his mother and would not let her babysit our son.

When he grabbed my son like he did I was in shock. I asked what he was doing and he said giving him a leg massage because they feel good. I told him no one massaged me like that when I was little. He backed off that time, but acted angry with me for saying something. Other times, he has threatened to leave or divorce when I try to defend my son.

I cannot just leave and go where I want when because he owns his own business and comes home to check in on me all the time.  We are on a family phone plan with his mother and him as the administrators and I am pretty sure he tracks my GPS because he pulls in the driveway right behind me all the time.

These are all very controlling behaviors.  What are your thoughts about your marriage?  Do you want to stay?  Do you want to go? 

Panda39

[NeedsHelp]

These are all very controlling behaviors.  What are your thoughts about your marriage?  Do you want to stay?  Do you want to go? 

Panda39

For my own self, I know this is not a healthy relationship. I went to couples counseling thinking that growing up with parents who are married would be the best thing for my son. Counseling helped me see that his ways are not very likely to change. I guess it has given me time to see more of his behavior toward our son and how inconsistent and frightening his parenting is. One minute he is fun and playful, the next he is scaring my son to death and it is painful to sit by and watch. If I leave, I am so afraid he will be angry with me and take it out on my son. I also know he will try to leave him alone with his mother who is the reason why he is the way he is, and she sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior either. In short, I would like to go, but fear for my son.

[Panda39]

Only you can decide whether or not you leave your marriage.  I am on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so I don't have that direct experience of being married to someone with BPD.  I was however married 19 years to an alcoholic.  So I did experience somethings that are similar to folks here married to someone with BPD.  I experienced co-dependence, I experienced verbal abuse, I experienced controlling behaviors, and I had a son I was trying to protect.

There were 3 times over the 19 years that I seriously considered leaving.  The first time was only 2 years into my marriage, when I realized my ex was an alcoholic. 

He must have sensed that I was contemplating walking away. 

The next thing I knew I was pregnant... .via a sabotaged condom.     

I wanted my baby I wanted to be a mother so I had my son.  When he was 3 months old my ex had his first DUI, did nothing about his drinking problem and our marriage died. That was 3 years in.

A few years later I asked my parents for financial help for a crown that I needed.  They lent me the money but I was also told to never again ask them for financial help.

I had a 4 year old that needed daycare there was no leaving my marriage now.  I couldn't afford to and provide my son with the "things" I thought he needed.  So I stayed.  I was co-dependent. 

I thought I could "protect" my son, by keeping his father's negative behaviors directed on me.  My son was still a witness to it.  My son had an alcoholic dad that was hiding beer all over our apartment, that would become verbally abusive to me, that would be passed out in front of the TV.  My son had no social life in our home, I was hiding the dysfunction, you don't invite other kids over when you have volatile drunk man passed out in front of the TV.

Somewhere in there my husband had a 2nd DUI... .but according to him he wasn't an alcoholic.

I thought about leaving again when my son was about 9 but realized I still couldn't do it financially, so I stayed.

When my son was 10 and I had been married 13 years my mom offered us money to put a down payment on a house.  My husband was of course all over that, I felt obligated to take the offer, and I thought it would be good for my son.  I walked into purchasing a house that only made me feel more trapped.

I became depressed, had suicidal thoughts but would never leave my son with his dad.  About 2 years before my divorce I started climbing up the depression hole, I started doing things that were about me, that took care of me.

My son was 15, he was long out of daycare, I was finally making enough money on my own to leave. My divorce was final just before my 19th anniversary.  It took 3 tries. 

I thought I had protected my son from the dysfunction, from his fathers behaviors, I gave no thought to my own behaviors and how those might influence him. 

As soon as we were out my son started to show signs of anxiety and depression.  I'm afraid I have to own the anxiety I have my own issues there.  The good thing about this was, I think he had those feelings for some time but in our old dynamic he took on the role of under the radar guy, there were enough problems without his added to the mix.  So when we left it was safe to express his feelings.  I tried to do my best to listen and help but finally realized he needed some outside support and got him into therapy.

I tell you my story because I thought I was protecting my son through all of this but I really didn't he was still damaged by our dysfunction.  I realize your son is younger and how does he physically protect himself from an adult?  I don't pretend to have the answer for your situation but I do want to make you aware that staying in a dysfunctional marriage creates it's own set of problems. 

Below is a link to... ."Is it better for kids if I stay or leave"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0

I'm also including this link on Domestic Violence (I realize you have not mentioned physical violence against you in the story you have shared but I am hearing a lot of controlling behaviors that could be considered abusive)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

You might consider talking to a therapist, your local Domestic Violence (DV) agency, and a lawyer.  Learn what your legal options are, and some strategies for leaving safetly.  You don't have to do anything today or tomorrow but just get the knowledge you need and learn strategies that can be helpful if and/or when you decide to leave.

And like I mentioned above start documenting the behaviors that you see as inappropriate with regards to your son. 

Panda39

[NeedsHelp]

Only you can decide whether or not you leave your marriage.  I am on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so I don't have that direct experience of being married to someone with BPD.  I was however married 19 years to an alcoholic.  So I did experience somethings that are similar to folks here married to someone with BPD.  I experienced co-dependence, I experienced verbal abuse, I experienced controlling behaviors, and I had a son I was trying to protect.

There were 3 times over the 19 years that I seriously considered leaving.  The first time was only 2 years into my marriage, when I realized my ex was an alcoholic. 

He must have sensed that I was contemplating walking away. 


The next thing I knew I was pregnant... .via a sabotaged condom.     

I wanted my baby I wanted to be a mother so I had my son.  When he was 3 months old my ex had his first DUI, did nothing about his drinking problem and our marriage died. That was 3 years in.

A few years later I asked my parents for financial help for a crown that I needed.  They lent me the money but I was also told to never again ask them for financial help.

I had a 4 year old that needed daycare there was no leaving my marriage now.  I couldn't afford to and provide my son with the "things" I thought he needed.  So I stayed.  I was co-dependent. 

I thought I could "protect" my son, by keeping his father's negative behaviors directed on me.  My son was still a witness to it.  My son had an alcoholic dad that was hiding beer all over our apartment, that would become verbally abusive to me, that would be passed out in front of the TV.  My son had no social life in our home, I was hiding the dysfunction, you don't invite other kids over when you have volatile drunk man passed out in front of the TV.

Somewhere in there my husband had a 2nd DUI... .but according to him he wasn't an alcoholic.

I thought about leaving again when my son was about 9 but realized I still couldn't do it financially, so I stayed.

When my son was 10 and I had been married 13 years my mom offered us money to put a down payment on a house.  My husband was of course all over that, I felt obligated to take the offer, and I thought it would be good for my son.  I walked into purchasing a house that only made me feel more trapped.

I became depressed, had suicidal thoughts but would never leave my son with his dad.  About 2 years before my divorce I started climbing up the depression hole, I started doing things that were about me, that took care of me.

My son was 15, he was long out of daycare, I was finally making enough money on my own to leave. My divorce was final just before my 19th anniversary.  It took 3 tries. 

I thought I had protected my son from the dysfunction, from his fathers behaviors, I gave no thought to my own behaviors and how those might influence him. 

As soon as we were out my son started to show signs of anxiety and depression.  I'm afraid I have to own the anxiety I have my own issues there.  The good thing about this was, I think he had those feelings for some time but in our old dynamic he took on the role of under the radar guy, there were enough problems without his added to the mix.  So when we left it was safe to express his feelings.  I tried to do my best to listen and help but finally realized he needed some outside support and got him into therapy.

I tell you my story because I thought I was protecting my son through all of this but I really didn't he was still damaged by our dysfunction.  I realize your son is younger and how does he physically protect himself from an adult?  I don't pretend to have the answer for your situation but I do want to make you aware that staying in a dysfunctional marriage creates it's own set of problems. 

Below is a link to... ."Is it better for kids if I stay or leave"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0

I'm also including this link on Domestic Violence (I realize you have not mentioned physical violence against you in the story you have shared but I am hearing a lot of controlling behaviors that could be considered abusive)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

You might consider talking to a therapist, your local Domestic Violence (DV) agency, and a lawyer.  Learn what your legal options are, and some strategies for leaving safetly.  You don't have to do anything today or tomorrow but just get the knowledge you need and learn strategies that can be helpful if and/or when you decide to leave.

And like I mentioned above start documenting the behaviors that you see as inappropriate with regards to your son. 

Panda39

Thank you for taking time to share this with me. It is a difficult situation to be faced with. It feels like one way or the other the little ones end up hurt and it is so painful to see. My son is already very timid from the dynamics at our house and probably seeing my behavior toward his father and my efforts to avoid conflict by walking on eggshells. I try to get him out of the house and around relaxed people, but that opens a whole new area where his dad often shows up and wants to come along, and then I'm back on the eggshells in front of him again.  I will check out the lnks you posted. Thank you again.

[ForeverDad]

For my own self, I know this is not a healthy relationship. I went to couples counseling thinking that growing up with parents who are married would be the best thing for my son. Counseling helped me see that his ways are not very likely to change. I guess it has given me time to see more of his behavior toward our son and how inconsistent and frightening his parenting is. One minute he is fun and playful, the next he is scaring my son to death and it is painful to sit by and watch. If I leave, I am so afraid he will be angry with me and take it out on my son. I also know he will try to leave him alone with his mother who is the reason why he is the way he is, and she sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior either. In short, I would like to go, but fear for my son.

Most of us had the same inclination, we didn't know what we were really dealing with and fall into the behavior pattern thinking that if we stayed and were acquiescing and appeasing that it was the best path.  But doing that usually just enables the disordered parent to ramp up more and more concerning behaviors over time, almost like they feel impelled to find out how far we will let them go.

Here's what I have  written in the past... .In general, when we realize that the other parent is refusing to attend therapy and/or make progress in therapy then that typically translates into the conclusion and acceptance that the relationship is dysfunctional, unhealthy and unlikely to improve unless we decide to Do Something That Helps.

The reality for many here is that dysfunction and unhealthiness can become such a major issue that divorce is the only practical solution.  The ex won't respect our authority as the other parent and so we get family court to be The Authority, since its decisions are likely to be, if not optimal, then "less unfair".

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Yes, you're concerned whether your spouse (or someone he wishes to provide care) can be unsupervised as a court may be likely to allow.  Well, the fact is you probably can't be watching over your son 100% of the time anyway.  In my divorce my ex hated my parents but since they were in their 80s I didn't mind her demand my parents not be caregivers, I just made sure it was "grandparents" that included her side too.  If you have concerns about his mother, such as past suicide attempts, provide documentation to the court and it might agree with your concerns.

Most courts require the divorcing parents to attend Parenting classes.  Whether that will have a positive impact on him can't be predicted.  Perhaps you can have your son in counseling sessions, courts love counseling.  The kids often open up with a trained neutral professional.  If the perceptive counselor detects poor parental behaviors then counseling for the parent may be recommended.

[NeedsHelp]

Hi JDNeedsHelp,

Welcome to the community. After reading the descriptions of your husband's behavior toward your son, I can understand your questioning the wisdom of staying or leaving. You've found a safe place to work through this, with members who understand. There are also tools and resources here that can help the relationship.

It sounds like you haven't filed for divorce? I would encourage you to check out the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board, where you will find members working to improve their relationships. There are things that can be done to keep conflict down and to improve the lines of communication between you and your husband.

Have you told anyone else about your concerns with your husband's behavior?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

Thank you for replying to me. I have not filed yet, but feel afraid he may do it first since he threatened several times while we were going to counseling. I believe the counseling actually triggered his abandonment fears and he kept going back and forth between loving and hating his mother and blaming me for all their problems. When I try to confront him about his behavior toward our son, he makes it all about himself. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong and I am picking on him and he has threatened to leave in those situations too. I have one friend I have spoken to about this and she thinks I need to leave. She has no children though, so I am not sure she can relate to the fears I have for my son and leaving him alone with his father.

[NeedsHelp]

Most of us had the same inclination, we didn't know what we were really dealing with and fall into the behavior pattern thinking that if we stayed and were acquiescing and appeasing that it was the best path.  But doing that usually just enables the disordered parent to ramp up more and more concerning behaviors over time, almost like they feel impelled to find out how far we will let them go.

Here's what I have  written in the past... .In general, when we realize that the other parent is refusing to attend therapy and/or make progress in therapy then that typically translates into the conclusion and acceptance that the relationship is dysfunctional, unhealthy and unlikely to improve unless we decide to Do Something That Helps.

The reality for many here is that dysfunction and unhealthiness can become such a major issue that divorce is the only practical solution.  The ex won't respect our authority as the other parent and so we get family court to be The Authority, since its decisions are likely to be, if not optimal, then "less unfair".

Yes, you're concerned whether your spouse (or someone he wishes to provide care) can be unsupervised as a court may be likely to allow.  Well, the fact is you probably can't be watching over your son 100% of the time anyway.  In my divorce my ex hated my parents but since they were in their 80s I didn't mind her demand my parents not be caregivers, I just made sure it was "grandparents" that included her side too.  If you have concerns about his mother, such as past suicide attempts, provide documentation to the court and it might agree with your concerns.

Most courts require the divorcing parents to attend Parenting classes.  Whether that will have a positive impact on him can't be predicted.  Perhaps you can have your son in counseling sessions, courts love counseling.  The kids often open up with a trained neutral professional.  If the perceptive counselor detects poor parental behaviors then counseling for the parent may be recommended.

Thank you very much. This information is so helpful. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I am not sure how I would obtain documentation of suicide attempts. Aren't medical records confidential? I know she has also been arrested before and put in mental institutions, but I am not sure how to obtain that information either.

[ForeverDad]

You can consult a few family law attorneys to (1) ask questions about where you stand and (2) to get a sense of their likely strategies and solutions to your quandaries.  Sometimes consultations are free or inexpensive, other times just at an hourly rate.  We are peer support, although we're not able to give legal advice, we do have a vast collective wisdom and experience on what usually works and what usually doesn't work.

Very important, consulting a lawyer for possible divorce is to be kept confidential.  Yes, confidential and private from him.  You don't have bills sent to the home.  If he is ranting or raging you don't have to divulge these confidential matters under interrogation.  This is a hard concept to embrace, but this is not the time to share information like that.  Don't let guilting or pressuring induce you to react by sharing.  Yes, for a marriage to work the spouses need to share but when divorce is contemplated and especially when there is conflict or abuse then some things can't be shared without sabotaging yourself.

Generally it is advisable to file first, it is a first step toward being proactive, but it is not a disaster if he files first.  One potential problem is that if he files first he could include ridiculous but scary allegations about how bad a wife and mother you are, pure emotional blaming and blame shifting.  Then you would feel put on the Defensive trying to counter his claims.  As the competitive games comparison goes, The team playing only Defense has a hard time winning the game.

A couple things to mention now.  First, start documenting in a journal, diary or log the behaviors you see that are concerning to you.  Include dates, times, places, etc.  Why?  When a spouse or parent says to the judge "he always... ." or "she always... ." yet has no specifics, no documentation then the judge can decide to view it as hearsay, bickering and largely ignore it.  You want to be the one with Documentation as well as Practical Solutions.

Second, keep alert for effective Strategies you may hear from peer support, from lawyers and from your trusted friends.  A divorce with conflict involved is a difficult struggle.  Maybe he will back off sometimes, maybe he won't.  Either way you will need common sense and proactive strategies for the long haul.  Reacting in the moment to surprises won't gain you the upper hand in a protracted custody struggle.  While you can't anticipate every hurdle, do try to look ahead and for every action you think he may try, settle in your mind how you will handle it.  If you can't come up with something in the moment, then try to find a way to give yourself time to ponder the problem*, consult with others and then respond better.

Some ways when caught off guard to delay the pressure of the moment... ."Let me think... ." "I'll call you back... ." "I don't have an answer now, I'll email/text you tomorrow... ."

[momtara]

Hi. Looks like I said I'd reply, and never got back to it. It's a hard situation. My ex was somewhat like this too. I did a lot of tiptoeing as I left and still do. If you want advice, let me know. Hope you are doing well.

[NeedsHelp]

My ex was somewhat like this too. I did a lot of tiptoeing as I left and still do. If you want advice, let me know. Hope you are doing well.

Yes, please. I would like some advice. I was able to visit with one attorney who said my husband would most likely get unsupervised visitation because there is no evidence of significant physical abuse. It is a struggle to visit attorneys because my husband watches my every move. I am very afraid of my son being left alone with him. I know I need to leave, but keep trying to pretend everything is normal for my son.

[livednlearned]

I was able to visit with one attorney who said my husband would most likely get unsupervised visitation because there is no evidence of significant physical abuse.

Ooof. I feel for you on this one.

Did the attorney outline a strategy for you, or describe how to proceed? For many of us, we had to bring in third-party professionals to shine light on our situations. There may be no evidence of significant physical abuse, but it is possible (depending on how ill your husband is) for a third-party professional to figure out pretty quickly that something is wrong, and to make a recommendation based on a thorough custody evaluation.

It is still hair-raising to divorce knowing that your toddler will be under his father's full care.

One of the odd things I've noticed here is the number of BPD dads who seem incapable of living up to the amount of custodial time they get, even while fighting for that time (and sometimes more). BPD sufferers don't handle stress well, and kids can be stressful. My ex fought for more time with our son while giving up his actual time.

At some point, you have to weigh the realities of whether your presence is protecting your son or not. For me, I realized the long stretches of time with me allowed my son to get back to some semblance of normal emotional baseline, where he wasn't being bathed in chronic stress. I could no longer give him that in the marriage, so while it was still insanely scary to leave, I knew it was time. Maybe we can help you work through some of those difficult decisions. What worked for others may not be right for you, but we can listen and try to help tease out some kind of long-term strategy so that you are prepared whichever way your decisions eventually land.

 

LnL

[NeedsHelp]

Did the attorney outline a strategy for you, or describe how to proceed?

For many of us, we had to bring in third-party professionals to shine light on our situations. 

LnL

He did not give a detailed strategy. He did say I could request his mother (also uBPD but diagnosed bipolar) not be allowed to be left alone wirh our son. He said he could do background checks on both of them. He asked the name of the marriage counselor we went to and how my husband behaved in counseling. He said I could request he take a mental health evaluation and most likely I would have to do the same. He said that judges in Kansas like to stick with standard custody arrangements and most likely he would get every other weekend visitation without evidence of significant physical abuse. Is a marriage counselor what you would consider a third party professional? The thought of him being alone with our son IS extremely frightening.

[ForeverDad]

You are free to get multiple legal consultations.  Ask what strategies they would likely try, what concerns they have for the case.  Don't be timid, you can ask whether they feel they are up to the task of a high conflict case or would recommend another lawyer who would handle matters better.  Good lawyers know they won't get, and shouldn't get, everyone who walks in the door as a client.  Long ago one of our members suggested this question, "If you were facing my difficult situation, who would you use as your lawyer?"  This is a roundabout way to get a short list of good attorneys from which to choose for yourself.

[NeedsHelp]

Long ago one of our members suggested this question, "If you were facing my difficult situation, who would you use as your lawyer?"  This is a roundabout way to get a short list of good attorneys from which to choose for yourself.

That sounds like a great way to put it without sounding like you don't have faith in the attorney you are currently speaking with to help you. Thank you.