New member, hopeful to find support here: want a mutually caring relationship

[sunflower321]

Hi bpdfamily,
It's really encouraging to find this forum. My partner was diagnosed with BPD last year, and she's started therapy this year, so although she's had this a long time, it's a new thing for us in a way. I'm finding a struggle with the balance between being supportive and patient, and standing up for myself when I'm being verbally abused or treated poorly. Knowing when to leave her alone and when to stay beside her to keep her safe. There have been some very difficult times lately. She doesn't have a support network besides me and her therapist, so I think I'm taking the brunt of her anger. Whereas a few years ago we would identify any unhelpful behaviors we had and look at how to improve them, I find she is often now telling me that this is just who she is, that I can't criticize her and she won't deal with her emotions because they're too big. Perhaps this is normal with a new diagnosis? A way of accepting these things in herself? I hope this is something that will get better with time.

I want to understand more, and have a relationship where we are both caring of each other. It's been a lonely ride for a while now, so I would love to connect with some people here and feel that someone else understands. Thanks everyone x

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[desperate.wife]

 
Welcome sunflower321, glad you found this site! It is really helpful.

Whereas a few years ago we would identify any unhelpful behaviors we had and look at how to improve them, I find she is often now telling me that this is just who she is, that I can't criticize her and she won't deal with her emotions because they're too big. Perhaps this is normal with a new diagnosis? A way of accepting these things in herself? I hope this is something that will get better with time.

Interesting you say that. My husband was diagnosed just on February. Recently he started saying that he is manipulator. Doctors said so. That is who he is. And he sounds very proud of it. I think it might be a stage of acceptance. Only 6 month after he was diagnosed he started to understand it was with him all the time and everything he thought he was, was BPD. And now he is saying that who he is. I am no expert, but maybe he needs to find something to hold on to know who he is. Some foundation of self. There must be a lot going on in the mind when you find out about disorder. Also it is easier: this is my illness, I am that way, you deal with it, I can't do anything. I guess it takes time to process. I am still waiting when my husband’s doctors top start teaching him to change his thinking. To give tools to work with. 

What kind of therapy your partner is in?

 

D.W

[pearlsw]

Hi sunflower321,



Glad to have you with us! Sorry to hear you are struggling in your relationship with your partner. Yes, this is a lot to carry on your shoulders! Do you have others supporting you? Participating here on the site, posting about yourself, but also offering support to others can become a great coping strategy for yourself. I know it has helped many of us to navigate the challenges such relationships can present.

Yes, I do imagine she is having a period of adjustment to the idea. I "sold" it to my SO as him being a regular human, like anyone, who has emotions, but his are just a bit stronger than others, he's "emotionally sensitive". I think this made him feel more comfortable, and he is able to admit he is a "bit crazy" and "not able to control himself at times". It's funny, yesterday he was just telling me how he was trying to teach his son about controlling his anger towards his sisters. We laughed at the end of the story because he said it was like "crazy trying to teach crazy". But I have to admit, though he likely made some mistakes, and said some things that were a bit extreme while trying to "help" his son, it was sweet that he was trying his best to be a good dad for his son (& daughters) even with his own communication limitations.

If your partner is saying she feels criticized it is worth the effort to reexamine your own communication and make sure you retrain yourself to not criticize. If you do that and she still says you are then at least you will know you have done all you can and that it is just a distortion on her part and not something you are actually doing.

Until then, it is worth taking the hint to relearn your own communication skills. I know early on in my relationship I thought "I'm awesome" it's him who sucks.  But it wasn't. I had to set my own ego aside and say to myself time to stop, reassess and rebuild myself from scratch. As rotten as he seemed at times, I, hard to believe, might be making mistakes or be wrong! It actually felt pretty great to recognize that and realize that, whether my relationship works out in the long run or not, I had nothing to lose by re-upping my own game on communication.

We understand and how complicated these things get, that's why posting here can make a big, big difference in deepening your understanding about yourself and these issues.

Do you feel like you could gain something by working on your communication style?

sincerely, pearl.

p.s. looks like we posted at the same time! Let me also thank desperate.wife for sharing and being here with us to support!

[braveSun]

Hey sunflower321,   
I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the boards. It's a good place.

If you look around you'll find there are great tools you can learn here. Many people have experienced similar situations you might be going through. By learning from other people's stories it gives you a better perspective, and by engaging on other people's posts you'll find that there is a great community here.

Like desperate.wife brought up, there seems to be a phase like this in our loved one starting to accept their condition. It doesn't mean nothing can be improved. pearlsw has a good point. I did too, make mistakes in my approach to my spouse. Initially I didn't know what I was looking into and just thought her behavior was exaggerated. I confronted and criticized her back. Got in plenty circular arguments.  I wanted to bring her back to reason.

Naturally, after learning more about BPD/NPD traits I read about in other people's stories, I could connect the dots. Mine is not diagnosed and doesn't believe anything is wrong with her. She won't consider therapy. She is high functioning. And she might even be sub-clinical, meaning she doesn't have enough BPD traits to be diagnosed as such. But in the end, it's the hurtful behaviors that count.

For me I must admit, once I did accept that her 'condition' deserved a second look, and started to try to apply some of the tools instead of confronting, some things got a bit easier.

desperate.wife mentioned this, and I am wondering too, do you know what kind of therapy your partner is having?

Keep posting

Brave