Feeling suicidal after my break up with a BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is this normal? I’m currently being ignored/devalued what ever following the break up. Fairly convinced she’s moved on a s she’s not even opening my messages anymore. I’m in a bad place mentally.

[Lsmw88]

Is this normal? I’m currently being ignored/devalued what ever following the break up. Fairly convinced she’s moved on a s she’s not even opening my messages anymore. I’m in a bad place mentally.

[Turkish]

Being ignored and feeling devalued can cut anyone to the core,  Lsmw88. I was also cheated upon like you.  I also felt like nothing I did was good enough. 

She's ignoring you. Do you feel left without closure? I'm concerned about how dark you are feeling right now.  We are all with you on the board,  but do you have anyone on your life to talk to and offer support?

T

[Lsmw88]

Being ignored and feeling devalued can cut anyone to the core,  Lsmw88. I was also cheated upon like you.  I also felt like nothing I did was good enough. 

She's ignoring you. Do you feel left without closure? I'm concerned about how dark you are feeling right now.  We are all with you on the board,  but do you have anyone on your life to talk to and offer support?

T

I feel like maybe I attach too much of my self esteem to her. I can go a few weeks not doing that but then I come back to doing it. I paid all the bills and worked and supported her whenever she needed money, took her doctors apps etc . Now I feel like because we’ve split and I’ve moved away I’m basically just an irrelevant memory. I think my problem is I see the best in people and always consider every option rather than being a healthy ‘forget you, if you don’t see my worth someone will!’. That angry stage can sometimes be good to quell the idealisation I guess.
 
I do have a supportive family but I don’t think they understand that darkness I feel sometimes of complete worthlessness. It’s a constant battle.

[Turkish]

There's nothing wrong with seeing the best in people.  I've been accused of that in the past. 

A concern may be when we attach too much of that to our own self worth.  Others are independent entities, free to make their own choices,  good or bad.  Separating their choices from ours (and our feelings) is where it gets tricky. 

[CryWolf]

Hey buddy, I know it feels difficult right now. Youre in so much pain and anguish, but you arent alone. A lot of us have felt some type of similar pain you are feeling right now. Your pain is yours, and we are here to help you the best we can.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing the best in a person. It shows a lot about your character and you shouldnt blame yourself for this. It's hard to believe right this moment, but its the others persons loss for not acknowledging what they lost in you.

Its easy to put value and base self esteem off another persons validation, I have done this too. I was so lost during my breakup, couldnt get out of bed, skipped work and classes. I was utterly destroyed and depleted. I wanted to simply not exist for a while. The hardest part is to perservere in these moments, and take things slowly. even if its just getting out the bed to brush your teeth. this is a huge step forward.

A lot of people who have not been in these type of relationships wont understand the hurt we face internally. we can tell them every detail but their first instinction is to help us feel better and stop the hurt the best they can.

My ex dismissed me and devalued me, and I didnt get the proper closure I needed. I played every scenario, asked why until I almost drove myself insane. I went through months of anguish, and hurt. Eventually, you give yourself closure and things do get better in time. Time and patience and acceptance is your friend right now. 

I believe you are a strong person Lsmw88. We can help you get through this buddy.

[XSurvivorX]

Now I feel like because we’ve split and I’ve moved away I’m basically just an irrelevant memory.

I really hate to say this Lsmw88, but most likely you are.

It's not an easy pill to swallow - trust me, I know.  Look, my ex dBPDw barely functioned for a long period of our relationship. I did everything; I worked, I paid the bills (mine and hers), I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry, I bought her a car - you name it! I was like married to a child that I had to parent.  And it made me really resentful.

When we split a little part of me really wanted to see her fail.  Most of me was just really relieved to be on my own again, but considering this woman had just about bankrupted me emotional, physically and financially, that tiny part really wanted me to see her fail.  She didn't.  As far as I can tell, she took the swift kick in the $$ and actually pulled herself up and has become functional and successful.  She still has BPD no doubt and perhaps is making someone else's life pure misery.  But I felt completely used.

It was like I was a stepping stone (more like a foundation rock) that got used to better this person at a complete cost to me and my happiness and feelings; they used me up and that allowed them to skate through life with no consequences, and never looked back on it with a sense of thanks or appreciation.

I really hate to say it to you Lsmw88 - that just probably is the case.  I certainly wouldn't off myself as a result of that (nor did I feel that way, despite some serious depression in the following year after our divorce).  I was more mad I let myself do that, let myself be used. Once I forgave myself for that though, things got much better.

Sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride, take one on the chin and move on.  I know it is hard, and if you do truly have suicidal thoughts I would recommend you contact a crisis center or professional soonest.  It's just not worth it, mate.  Why let her do that to you? Shes already done enough, no?

Stay strong - there IS a life after a failed BPD relationship.  If anything, take me as living proof 

[Harri]

Hi, how are you?

In the title of your post you say you feel suicidal and then ask if it is normal.  Well, I wouldn't say it is normal but it is common.  You are not alone in this.  These sorts of relationships can cause some pretty deep wounds and really hit us in some places that got hurt long ago.

How are you doing today?  I read the update you made on your other thread about her changing her facebook status.  that can be hard to deal with.  What are you doing to take care of you?

[Panda39]

Hi Lsmw88,

I've not been a relationship with someone with BPD, my SO has an uBPDxw, so I don't have that experience in common with you and others here.

I do have experience with depression and suicidal thoughts though, and they're tough to deal with especially alone.  I'm so glad you decided to reach out. 

I wanted to ask if you have a Therapist or have considered one?  It can be really helpful to get a professional involved.

 Sending you a group... .                

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing, we are concerned about you!

Panda39

[Lsmw88]

Hi Lsmw88,

I've not been a relationship with someone with BPD, my SO has an uBPDxw, so I don't have that experience in common with you and others here.

I do have experience with depression and suicidal thoughts though, and they're tough to deal with especially alone.  I'm so glad you decided to reach out. 

I wanted to ask if you have a Therapist or have considered one?  It can be really helpful to get a professional involved.

 Sending you a group... .                

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing, we are concerned about you!

Panda39

I am based in the UK and I’ve not slept a wink as all I’ve been thinking about is her and her new squeeze. It’s looe being heartbroken all over again.
I  basically nothing to her now after all I did for her... nothing

How can they treat people like this?

[Panda39]

I'm so glad you checked in and I hope you are sleeping as I write this.  Rest and self-care are your friends right now.   What are some other things you can do for you today?

I am based in the UK and I’ve not slept a wink as all I’ve been thinking about is her and her new squeeze. It’s looe being heartbroken all over again.
I  basically nothing to her now after all I did for her... nothing

How can they treat people like this?

I asked the very same question when I first met my SO and saw how his ex treated him and their daughters.  I was always asking why? Why would she do this or that?  Or why wouldn't she do this or that?   

It's mental illness.  It's distorted emotions.  It's her own pain & shame. It's the inability to function as you or I would.  It's about them.  It's about their limitations.

I hope you know that this is all about her and who she is, and has absolutely nothing to do with who you are.  I hope you aren't blaming yourself for the breakup.  I had a very important boyfriend in the past that cheated on me, he cheated and I actually blamed myself.  If I had only done this or that, he wouldn't have cheated, he wouldn't have left.  But those were his choices and I was not to blame for them and should have never taken responsibility for them.

And yes the pain was excruciating and it was for awhile and it probably will be for you too for awhile... .for as long as it takes to grieve. 

I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out some of the topics that resonate with you, when you get the chance.

Take Care,
Panda39

[XSurvivorX]

How can they treat people like this?

Like Panda said, its an illness.  I know it is hard - really hard!  What's making it worse for you right now is you're trying to analyze it and rationalize it - dissect it and make an understanding of it that will help you in some way. But, there often times is little to understand, assess, or gain closure from.  It's almost like you were just an innocent victim who happened to get in the way, and were caught up in a situation that she was directing and controlling without your knowing.  Seriously, its not your fault, mate. 

Like Harri asks - how're you going? What are you doing for yourself today? What would you like to do (side from make sense of this whole mess)?

Please do take care,

[Lsmw88]

I'm so glad you checked in and I hope you are sleeping as I write this.  Rest and self-care are your friends right now.   What are some other things you can do for you today?


I asked the very same question when I first met my SO and saw how his ex treated him and their daughters.  I was always asking why? Why would she do this or that?  Or why wouldn't she do this or that?   

It's mental illness.  It's distorted emotions.  It's her own pain & shame. It's the inability to function as you or I would.  It's about them.  It's about their limitations.

I hope you know that this is all about her and who she is, and has absolutely nothing to do with who you are.  I hope you aren't blaming yourself for the breakup.  I had a very important boyfriend in the past that cheated on me, he cheated and I actually blamed myself.  If I had only done this or that, he wouldn't have cheated, he wouldn't have left.  But those were his choices and I was not to blame for them and should have never taken responsibility for them.

And yes the pain was excruciating and it was for awhile and it probably will be for you too for awhile... .for as long as it takes to grieve. 

I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out some of the topics that resonate with you, when you get the chance.

Take Care,
Panda39

My next step is moving all outlets photos to a laptop. People say they’re memories but it feels more like a facade now tbh.

I had two hours then went to work!

I get it’s a mental illness and I have been so u derstanding for so long but that is hard to rationalise when you’re sat at home crying over someone that couldn’t give two hoots and is on to their latest target.
I find that grotesque tbh. I know there are spectrums but as well all keep saying aside from BPD what I’m starting to realise is she isn’t actually a vey nice person.

And yes I am with you on the cheating. I’ve been like that ever since she cheated on me. I suppose if I can back from this I can come back from anything. And I know deep down no relationship she has will ever work because she won’t get treated.

[Lsmw88]

Like Panda said, its an illness.  I know it is hard - really hard!  What's making it worse for you right now is you're trying to analyze it and rationalize it - dissect it and make an understanding of it that will help you in some way. But, there often times is little to understand, assess, or gain closure from.  It's almost like you were just an innocent victim who happened to get in the way, and were caught up in a situation that she was directing and controlling without your knowing.  Seriously, its not your fault, mate. 

Like Harri asks - how're you going? What are you doing for yourself today? What would you like to do (side from make sense of this whole mess)?

Please do take care,

I know what you mean. It’s like a sense of vacancy. We were supposed to have had a relationship but instead I just feel
Like a used vessel that is no longer fit for purpose.
I get the impression I wasn’t living on the edge enough for her and I think she wanted someone that was in her social circle that she suddenly made. I’ve known for a while she’s been trying to build s life without me. Even when she was talking about sorting things out she was also talking about the future with including me.
I know you can wish the best for someone but at this stage all it is to me is someone trying to move on with someone else so they don’t have to do the real work which is what she’s done her whole life.

[Lsmw88]

Like Panda said, its an illness.  I know it is hard - really hard!  What's making it worse for you right now is you're trying to analyze it and rationalize it - dissect it and make an understanding of it that will help you in some way. But, there often times is little to understand, assess, or gain closure from.  It's almost like you were just an innocent victim who happened to get in the way, and were caught up in a situation that she was directing and controlling without your knowing.  Seriously, its not your fault, mate. 

Like Harri asks - how're you going? What are you doing for yourself today? What would you like to do (side from make sense of this whole mess)?

Please do take care,

I’m so upset because I’ve basically been used. It just makes me very angry and I know it’s a mental illness but that is an emotion I’m
Entitled to feel and I’m done making excuses. I did that enough when we were together and look where it got me

[XSurvivorX]

Oh look mate, you are 100% entitled to be upset, feel mad - hell, get good and angry! That indeed is your undeniable right.  I myself was mad for a real long while.  Mad at her, and then mad at myself.

I just sense that this is really doing a number on you and mostly want to make sure you're doing alright and are safe.  It might seem fake or weird to have random people on the internet show care and concern for your own personal situation - but all of us on this board have been there, so we know.  And we care.

Wish I had found this place when I most needed it.  I am glad you are here.

[Panda39]

Anger is part of the grieving process too, it is completely normal to feel this way.  When my old relationship ended... .I was stuck on being hurt, loving him and taking blame for the break up, for a very long time.  I didn't grieve, I stuffed and that did not do me any favors.

It took me years to realize how angry I was, how disappointed I was, and how sad I was... .all of these feelings and more are part of grieving.  You will pass through one to another and back again for a while as you work through things.

I know that her mental illness doesn't make things hurt any less.  You love her (mental illness or not) and you are hurting and feeling loss.  I'm glad to see you here sharing your feelings and talking about all of the emotions you are feeling, it's sucks, and it's hard, but it is ultimately how you will recover.

 
Panda39

[Lsmw88]

Oh look mate, you are 100% entitled to be upset, feel mad - hell, get good and angry! That indeed is your undeniable right.  I myself was mad for a real long while.  Mad at her, and then mad at myself.

I just sense that this is really doing a number on you and mostly want to make sure you're doing alright and are safe.  It might seem fake or weird to have random people on the internet show care and concern for your own personal situation - but all of us on this board have been there, so we know.  And we care.

Wish I had found this place when I most needed it.  I am glad you are here.

Thank you mate and no it’s not weird it’s nice and the answers on standard boards just don’t come close because you cannot apply the same rules

[Lsmw88]

Anger is part of the grieving process too, it is completely normal to feel this way.  When my old relationship ended... .I was stuck on being hurt, loving him and taking blame for the break up, for a very long time.  I didn't grieve, I stuffed and that did not do me any favors.

It took me years to realize how angry I was, how disappointed I was, and how sad I was... .all of these feelings and more are part of grieving.  You will pass through one to another and back again for a while as you work through things.

I know that her mental illness doesn't make things hurt any less.  You love her (mental illness or not) and you are hurting and feeling loss.  I'm glad to see you here sharing your feelings and talking about all of the emotions you are feeling, it's sucks, and it's hard, but it is ultimately how you will recover.

 
Panda39

Yeh, it’s true I’m back on the rolllecaoster. Up until I suspected she’d moved on I was doing really well. Practising meditation twice a day join clubs, going to gym. I’ve had a wobble this week because I sensed this was coming but maybe I needed this to make me finally realise it’s over and this is the universes way of telling me that better things are waiting. If it was meant to be then it will be when she gets treatment but in all honesty I don’t think that will ever come unless she hits rock bottom.
My one and only revenge is to have a life that is rich, full of things that I’ve always wanted to do and things she will never do. If that’s slightly childish so be it ha. Just this moment in time I got that positive fire then swing back to an emotional wreck again.