24 hours since leaving...

[ImSoLost]

I left my BPD gf yesterday afternoon.  I told her I wanted to talk about us.  She said there was no "us" and hadn't been since I lied to her five months ago.  She said I was a deceitful liar to her, my ex-wife (we are best of friends), and will be to the next person I meet.  I have made mistakes, but I genuinely think I'm a good person.  Maybe I'm delusional?  I mean, I have lied to her... .though everyone lies to her.  Doesn't make it right, but it's all for the same reason - we fear her reaction.  Again, it's not right.  I feel bad about it... .She will take that lie, hold onto the pain, and use it to pave her future.

I have paid her bills, I have taken care of her children, I have acted as her emotional caretaker.  We go out of town for events and she's one way, but when we come back, she's another.  We don't sleep in the same room, barely talk, and haven't been physically intimate in nearly a year.

After our "talk", she left the house to run errands.  I asked friends and family (and my therapist) what I should do.  I felt like I was spinning out of control.  They all told me to get a hotel room or find someplace else to be so as not to further the confrontation.  They also said to block her phone number so she cannot contact me.

I told my gf (ex, I guess) that I would be staying at a hotel room the next few days.  Her reply?  

She said it was disgusting how I've always had excuses as to why my lies and deceit were justified.  
She said it was nice that I could afford a hotel and to have fun with "her" (whoever this her is?).  
She said I left her to take care of the dog.  
She then went back to saying I messed this up by lying to her face instead of allowing her to make an informed decision knowing the truth up front... .and then I put the blame on her because of how she handled things (in other words, I know she's like this so I should accept her reaction).  
She said that I'm screwing her and her kids over because of my mistake to lie to her again and how I can explain it to them (though after one argument, I went to her son to apologize for his mom's behavior and that he had to hear it... .his reply, "Now you know what my 16 years have been like with her.  At least you can leave."  
She said she hoped I took care of the dog because she didn't want to come back to "YOUR HOUSE" since I'm going to stay at a hotel with some chick (I did not stay with a chick... .I just wanted to get away).  That she would find somewhere else to sleep.
She told me to answer my phone and stop acting shady.
Did I leave our dog alone?
Answer your phone.

I ignored all of these texts and sent them to my therapist.  He said that she was trying to manipulate me and to be strong.

I feel scared of what she might do.  She has threatened suicide multiple times in the past (once where I had to pull her out of a car in the middle of the summer... I left her with her mother [who she doesn't get a long with] and my gf was angry at me because I did that).  I don't believe she would hurt me or go on a smear campaign, but she might (I do the catastrophic thing).

I'm sad because it has to be this way.

I removed my most important belongings from the house I've paid the entire rent for (there are 3 months left on it) and took some clothes with me, but the rest of my stuff is there.  I'm afraid to go back because I don't want to deal with her lashing out... .or calling me names (she has done this on multiple occasions).  I don't want to see her anymore.  I just want it to all go away.

I feel so out of control.  What if she escalates things because I don't reply to her texts or calls?

My therapist's advice was to figure out where I am going to live and what I'm going to take from my house and when I will get it.  She's being manipulative and will say anything to hurt me or pull me back in.

I don't care about the stuff I left there... .it's all replaceable.  

I just want this to stop.  This wasn't supposed to be my life.  

(I'm not suicidal... .I won't hurt myself... .I'm just fearful and feel a tremendous amount of guilt... .When she was yelling at me, I saw the pain in her eyes.  She thought I was the one and I betrayed her... .And all of the pain she feels is coming out now.)

Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi ImSoLost,

Oh my! This is all so raw and fresh! You are very brave.

I am glad you are here and I hope we can all help you through this tough time.

You mention feeling guilty. Do you want to elaborate on that a bit more? Are you worried she won't be able to take good care of herself?

I am sorry that it has come to this! 

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I’mSoLost,

Let me join pearl in welcoming you to the BPD family.  I’m sorry you are going through this.  it’s very upsetting when things escalate to that point.   

I think you will find that many of us here have been through similar things.  I left my home, husband and dog and went to a hotel once also.  So I can sympathize with you. 

It’s understandable that you feel guilt.  There is a lot of blame being thrown at you.  Try to take care of yourself by eating well, getting enough rest and treating yourself kindly. 

There are lots of resources here and members who can lend support.   

Again, welcome!

Mustbeabetterway

[ImSoLost]

So an hour after my email, I walked out of work and my gf (ex, I guess?) was waiting in her car in the parking lot.  I can't say this was too abnormal.  After all, I would not respond to texts or phone calls.  We talked for about an hour and a half.  She wasn't happy.  She was upset.

We went our separate ways... .She went to pick up her daughter and I went to my hotel.  She called me and we spoke for another few hours... .Then texted for another 3 or 4 more.

The next morning, I went back to the house before work to walk the dog (the dog is partly my obligation as well and I will not just up and disappear).  It turned into 8 hours of her pleading me not to go... .She said that I created the situation and would not make it right.  She said that she can't imagine a future without me in it.  She begged me to go to couples counseling (I had asked her at least twice before and she refused).  She told me not to break up the family (she has two children).  She asked if I knew the pain I was causing.  She said she loved me.  She waited five years for me and now I'm just leaving.  Why?  Why?  Why?  What did she do to deserve this?  Please, please, please.  I can't live without you.  You're supposed to be by my side.

I maintained my stance... .That we need time apart.  That the relationship is not healthy.  That we're not happy.  That there is no trust (she doesn't trust me).

We talked about other things, but that's the gist.  There were a lot of tears.  A suicidal threat (It hurts so much... .I don't want to live anymore).  She left to work around 5:30 and I went back to the hotel.

I was heartbroken.  I cried.  I felt so unbelievably guilty.  I still do.  Now I'm going back to the house to sleep tonight and I'm not sure I'm ready for the onslaught of emotions.

I understand that it was at least partially manipulative on her part, but I think even non-BPD partners would have a similar reaction.  She's devastated.  She's broken.  She has lost her identity.  She is depressed.

I keep asking myself how I could do this to someone? 

I'm so tempted to try couples counseling with her, but I'm not sure it will change a thing.  I really think she needs to see a therapist to work on a host of her issues.

This is really hard.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, ImSoLost,

What you are experiencing is not uncommon.  It’s difficult to separate from a partner when you feel fear, obligation and guilt, commonly referred to as FOG. 

You say you are tempted to try couples counseling.  Have the two of you  been in couples counseling before?  You mentioned that you see a therapist.  What is your reluctance in trying couples therapy?  If you are comfortable sharing, is yout therapy  related to the problems in your relationship? 

Only you know what is best for you.  We are here to listen and support you in whatever direction you choose to take.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[ImSoLost]

You mention feeling guilty. Do you want to elaborate on that a bit more? Are you worried she won't be able to take good care of herself?

Yes.  I'm worried exactly about that... .She says that she cannot work more than 15 or 20 hours a week, if that.  She just physically can't do it.  She doesn't have the energy or wherewithal to face getting a job and having to move.  It's the depression talking.

I enabled her by trying to make her happy.  I tried to set up situations that would not be stressful.  I tried to "save" her, I suppose.

Each time she would lash out at me, I would do less though.  That's where the distance grew.  I became depressed myself and didn't want to help around the house as much.  I started to resent her.  I started to think, "I pay all the bills, run errands, and do whatever else... .We don't sleep in the same room, haven't had sex in nearly a year (part of which was due to her medication), barely talk, and she lashes out."  I tried to bring things up, but she would be dismissive and act as if I didn't deserve the things I asked for.  I told her I wasn't earning enough to continue to pay the bills because we were spending too much.  Her reply?  "I was able to work two jobs making less than you and make ends meet.  A real man would get a second job."  Really?  The next time I asked, she again reiterated that I should get the second job.

Eventually, she came around, but she still hasn't found anything.

In this particular case, my gf and I had recently gotten back together after a 7 or 8 month period of not talking.  We agreed to put everything on the table.  I hid the fact that during that time, I had visited a lady in the Grand Canyon.  At the time of the trip, my gf and I weren't talking or in a relationship and I didn't think I would talk to her ever again.

Anyway, she looked me in the eyes and asked me about her and I told her I didn't see that lady.  As a matter of fact, I had stopped talking to the lady in the Grand Canyon before my gf and I re-established our connection.  The reason?  When I was out there, all I could think about was my gf.  I tried to move on, but wished it was her I was with.  

A year went by and she read an email to another friend where I mentioned visiting the lady and Grand Canyon.  My gf snapped.  She started yelling, called me a deceitful liar, called me names... .and she kept going.  She demanded the other woman's phone number and email, but I didn't have them as I hadn't spoken with her in over a year... .I had no communication with her.  I dropped all contact after I got back with my gf.

In the five months after my gf discovered my lie, she has called me names on a few other occasions and brought up that I'm a deceitful liar more times that I can count... .Even when the issue at hand had nothing to do with it.  It was as if now that she had this over on me, she could pull it out at any time to justify her behavior.  Meanwhile, she hasn't hesitated to let me continue to pay for the bills, accompany on trips out of town, and continue to help with her children.

Don't get me wrong... .I shouldn't have lied.  We were starting fresh and I killed the trust.  I lied because I was afraid of her reaction and the other lady didn't mean anything to me anymore.  As a matter of fact, I cut all ties with any women who showed interest in me in order to start fresh.  It was a non-issue to me.  It was still the wrong thing to do and I admitted it.

So after I break up with my gf, she says it's my fault I made her act the way she did.  That if I never lied, she wouldn't have acted that way and she doesn't have the tools to handle stress in a less angry manner.  She conveniently glosses over the fact that for the year prior to her finding out, she lashed out at me for other reasons and I was ready to end things, but afraid to do so for fear of her reaction... .that she might self harm or start a smear campaign.  And during that year, I offered to pay for her to go to therapy to equip herself with those tools.  She rejected my attempts.

She says I'm the one that lied to her so it's up to me to make it right.  Apparently, all her friends agree as well.  So how can I possibly do her wrong, not accept her behavior because I was the one to cause the reaction, and then have the gall to leave?  It's like the culprit doesn't like his penalty and decides he won't serve out his time.

I feel like I'm the worst person on the planet.  And I want to try to help make it right, but I know she'll just lash out at me again in the future.  Even if I make it right, there's no way she doesn't pull this out the next time she is sufficiently upset.

[ImSoLost]

You say you are tempted to try couples counseling.  Have the two of you  been in couples counseling before?  You mentioned that you see a therapist.  What is your reluctance in trying couples therapy?  If you are comfortable sharing, is yout therapy  related to the problems in your relationship? 

Thank you for the reply.

I am in therapy because I do not know how to deal with her and the relationship.  She doesn't know I'm going because she doesn't approve of my therapist (she thinks he's a touchy feely quack).  My therapist said I'm a victim of emotional abuse and she has all the hallmark signs of Axis II (BPD).  She has so many unresolved issues from her past -- too many to list out here.  I'm not a perfect person, but she's most definitely a tortured soul.  He has said she needs to go to therapy before couples counseling would ever work.

I just don't know I have the energy or desire to do it.  I know she will lash out again.  There has been so much pain that I can't see her the same way I used to.  I wish I could, but I don't think I can.

I'm going back to the house tonight and I'm afraid of the guilt she will lay on me.  She will cry and beg me to stay.  That she will change. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Wow!  You have been through a lot of emotional upset.  Trying to make things right when nothing you do seems to make them right is frustrating, I know.

You seem very fearful of being honest with her.  What would happen if you were honest about seeing a therapist?

Have you heard about setting boundaries?  It’s not as harsh as it seems.  It’s actually just about keeping what you want in your life and deciding what you don’t want and not accepting into your life what is unacceptable.  Learning to set boundaries can help you live a more authentic life.  If you are interested, I can provide a link to an article and/or a book recommendation.

There are ways to improve your situation whether you decide to give your relationship another try or not.

Mustbeabetterway

[ImSoLost]

Wow!  You have been through a lot of emotional upset.  Trying to make things right when nothing you do seems to make them right is frustrating, I know.

You seem very fearful of being honest with her.  What would happen if you were honest about seeing a therapist?

Have you heard about setting boundaries?  It’s not as harsh as it seems.  It’s actually just about keeping what you want in your life and deciding what you don’t want and not accepting into your life what is unacceptable.  Learning to set boundaries can help you live a more authentic life.  If you are interested, I can provide a link to an article and/or a book recommendation.

There are ways to improve your situation whether you decide to give your relationship another try or not.

Mustbeabetterway

Thank you, Mustbeabetterway.

If I told her that I've been seeing my therapist again for the last four months, before I broke up, she'd roll her eyes and/or make a disparaging comment about him not really being helpful.  If I told her today, she'd be much more positive about it because she knows we're done as a couple and she wants to get back together with me.

I feel like now that I've made the split, I can't go back.  It took so much energy and overcoming my fear, I don't think I can walk back my comments and go through something like this again.  My therapist and everyone I've confided in say that I need to leave and take care of myself.  And they've been saying it for awhile.  I've just been too afraid.  I'm still afraid.

The pain she's feeling now hurts me to no end.  I love her, I just can't be in a healthy relationship with her.  The same things she laments in terms of not having a future together... .The plans we cannot have... .The places we wanted to visit... .Where we wanted to move... .I lament them, too.  It hurts me and it hurts me even more watching her suffer.  I feel like the bad guy.  I keep telling myself that she hasn't been the best to me.  She has been abusive.  At the same time she deserves to be loved.  I desperately want to be that person for her.  But I can't. 

And I know when I get back to the house tonight, she will ask me again... .Ask me to go to couples counseling with her... .Ask me to reconsider... .She will say please... .She will ask me what she has done to deserve this.  All questions I've answered, but she will ask them again.

I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and tried to implement some of the boundary setting activities.  It didn't really help in my case (or I didn't do it correctly).

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi ImSoLost,

Ok, I wasn’t sure if you meant by you were going home that you had decided not to leave the relationship.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good resource.  In fact, by googling that term, I happened upon resources that helped me learn about BPD.

If you aren’t familiar with the concept of boundaries, it can take some practice.  When I first sought therapy years ago because my uBPDh was having an affair, the therapist  mentioned boundaries and I honestly did not even know what a personal boundary was.  So you are not alone in being unfamiliar.  Here is a link to an article from the BPD family website:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Believe me, I totally understand how much energy leaving takes.  When you get a chance take a look at the article and we can talk more about boundaries, if you have questions.

I can identify also with feeling like the “bad guy”.  I tell myself that I’m not a bad person, I’m not a perfect person, but I tried very hard. 

It takes two people to have a relationship and both are responsible for their own actions in the relationship.

Hang in there.  It will get better if you are willing to help yourself heal.

Mustbeabetterway