Back in touch with my ex - he comes and goes

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello, BPD-Family!

If you've followed my story you might know, I have a hard break up behind me with my long distance fiancé which is almost a year ago after a beautiful 1 year relationship.
After we didn't speak for a month I could reestablish contact with him 3 months ago. He has been with another girl, lived with her for 2 months, then moved out again because they fought and he told me they have broken up - although it seems as if that is not not true.

I love this guy from all my heart and want him back. I am trying my best to use the tools in our communication to help him trust me and until now things worked out quite fine and we got closer again.

The past weeks we have been chatting a bit daily - there have been days we have been talking a lot and days  I barely heard from him. We are planning to see each other again in two months to see our favourite band together (he lives really far away, so there is no chance to see him often/earlier).


Now, two days ago I barely heard from him. In the evening he told me he had a bad day, then stopped replying. A few hours later he texted me that he'll be okay.
At night he posted on social media about how horrible people are and that nobody is ever ready to help him out and that he feels like stopping to interact with people.
I can't tell what this has been about, don't think it has anything to do with me - all I know is that since then he didn't post anything further (although he used to do this everyday) and he didn't get back to me anymore.
The last message I sent him, trying to validate his feelings, saying that I have read his posts and that I know it is devastating to feel let down by people, stayed unanswered, although we always use to text back and forth.

I miss him and I am worried about him when he is that silent... .I'm trying my best to stay calm here and only sent that one message. This is not the first time he disappears for a day, but the last time he at least told me he needs some time away to "get his head straight".
Now he is just gone... .I'd love to know, is there a way I could have handled this better? Does he just need some time away from everyone?

Thank you for your advice in advance!

Faithful

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[pearlsw]

Hi FIL,

Sounds like you spoke with him in a nice way and there was no specific conflict between the two of you. I'd be careful at the moment because if he is upset at other things now, this could transfer over to you if you are pushing/putting pressure on him I'd imagine. He is taking some space. Let him have it I'd say. Try to take it easy and stay busy.

Did you break up with your other boyfriend? Am I up to date on this?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

Thank you for your advice, pearl! I'm trying to!

I'm not in touch with the other guy anymore, he has never officially been my "boyfriend". We never had a connection like my ex and me, so now that a few weeks have passed I feel like I'm completely over this already.
Still it's hard to be all alone in everything I'm going through with him my ex now, but it is not fair to pull any other man into all this drama.

Before he pulled away I had planned to send some pictures of a joyful event from exactly a year ago to remind him of it. Do you think sharing them now in this situation would be a mistake if he doesn't text me today?
I just wanna put a smile on his face actually, as it's the anniversary, but I'm scared this could be perceived as pressuring him to talk to me again... also I am scared that he thinks I don't care at all when I'm not checking on him at all when he stays away... .

It's scary to see him leave without telling me that he'll be back! All I read is that he doesn't feel like talking to "people" in general... ."ever again"... .

[babyducks]

Hi FIL

At night he posted on social media about how horrible people are and that nobody is ever ready to help him out and that he feels like stopping to interact with people.

I can't tell what this has been about, don't think it has anything to do with me - all I know is that since then he didn't post anything further (although he used to do this everyday) and he didn't get back to me anymore.

The last message I sent him, trying to validate his feelings, saying that I have read his posts and that I know it is devastating to feel let down by people, stayed unanswered, although we always use to text back and forth.

I can see you working the tools.   Nice job.   I think you did a fine job of validating.   Still I think there could be some value in talking about validation, what it is,  what it isn't, how it works between people.

I see validation as less of a tool to soothe someone and more of a tool to keep cordial communications going.    Would you agree?   Have you successfully validated him in the past ?and how did that look and feel?

It seems like from what you describe he has a real habit of pulling away when feeling overwhelmed and returning when he feels more centered.   I understand that is scary for you.   It's good that you think about how to approach that, both his habit and your reaction to it.

I think that when we've talked in the past, we've talked about how it's not possible to "fix" our responses so we always say the perfect thing, but to change our responses so we don't make things worse.    and then to work to change our feelings so we are calm and centered for the next communication.   I think in your case that means finding a way to manage your fears about his silence.   

There is always going to be the possible better response, and the possible not so good response.   Striving for the better response is good.   So long as you don't get stuck in thinking I need to say the perfect thing to make him feel better.

In your case since he didn't ask for time away, you are not disrepecting his wishes by texting.  I would not bombard him with texts,   I would keep it very light, nothing emotionally loaded.    Have you heard of validating questions?    Would now be a good time to try one with him?

'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

First a little update:

I just heard from him. He sais that he is working on getting the time off, to really make our meeting in October possible. So he has been only been away for one and a half days - which still was a long time for me of course.

Thank you, BabyDucks, this is helpful, thinking about what validation is meant for.

When I think about myself, if someone is there to validate my feelings, it does not only NOT make things worse, it also soothes me as it makes me feel understood. Whoever follows my story for longer knows, that I am super anxious since the break up. So for me it does make things a little better already, if I am feeling validated. I don't know what it's like with BPD.

I must say this weekend I think I have handled my feelings quite well - compared to how much I have been panicking the weeks before.
It calms me that we even set a date to see each other again. My biggest fear was never seeing my loved one again! And I know it still can happen, he still can pull back anytime.
Yes, I have been worried but didn't cry or really panic about it - I am just asking for advice on here to really handle things the best way possible and to get advice from more experienced members.

When we've been together he only really pulled away when the fight has been between US, when I caused him anxiety. I don't think it has been the case this time, this is something new for me that I have to learn, that he sometimes needs time away when life gets too much.

Could you please tell me more about validating questions?

I am rather guessing what he is feeling when I'm trying to validate, sometimes ask him about how something made him feel, but the past weeks most of the validation was on light topics.
Sometimes I feel like validation makes things worse because to him it could seem as if I was acting like I know what he is going through - and no, actually, I don't know what it's like to have BPD, I just know what it's like to be super anxious and depressive, so I can relate a bit - but don't know if he takes that seriously when he is in such great pain himself.

Thanks for being there!

[FaithfulInLove]

He was having a normal conversation with me earlier, just ignored the question about how he is feeling and I did't ask a second time.

I hope he still knows that I wasn't just asking but really do care. Won't push him for an answer. Does it make sense to tell him in a calm moment that I care and that it makes me worry when he pulls away? Or is that some kind of unnecessary pressure I should better just avoid? I am ready to give him the space he needs, still it makes me worry when I see he is upset and he won't get back to me.

[FaithfulInLove]

We have planned our trip a little further yesterday, he let me know about what he's doing. It was great to talk to him again after being so worried on Sunday - but I know I gotta be prepared for more of those silent days.
I am unbelievably thankful for the help I'm getting here

[babyducks]

Hi FIL,

Sometimes I think it is easier to talk about validation and validating questions using examples that are overly simple... .and then try to build from there.

So let's say I drive up and show you my brand new car... .all shiny and smelling of new car.   You are surprised because I haven't mentioned shopping for a car... .

Invalidating questions:

-Can you afford that?
-Why on earth did you buy that now?
-What happened to your old car?
-Why didn't you mention shopping for a car?

More Validating Questions:
-Wow that's a surprise - what made you decide on this car now?
- That looks like a very nice car - did you get the deal you wanted?
- I had no idea you were in the market for a new car - did your old one give out on you?

You mentioned that you find validation soothing and that it makes you feel understood.   Do you think that is how it feels for him too?

I think a validating environment, where there is a lot of light validation going on all the time is probably better than trying to only validate during emotionally charged times.   

'ducks


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[FaithfulInLove]

You mentioned that you find validation soothing and that it makes you feel understood. Do you think that is how it feels for him too?

I can't tell, but I think it helps him at least a Little bit.
As most of our communication is just through text I can not really see what effect it has on him, but I got him back from not wanting to talk to me at all to positive daily texting. I guess communicating with me must be kind of pleasant for him, too, why else would he do it?
In situations when he is upset he still pulls away and takes his time away, even when I'm trying to validate, just like I've told you in my previous posts here. He'd surely become more upset if I didn't validate, like in the past before I knew about the tools. 

I think a validating environment, where there is a lot of light validation going on all the time is probably better than trying to only validate during emotionally charged times.   

I do agree! Validating should happen as much as as possible - if you don't always do it, you won't find the right words in emotional charged times. It's something one has to learn and practice and get better at - and Feeling validated might be helpful for most people, not just BPD partners.

Thank you, ducks !

[FaithfulInLove]

He comes, goes - but does not let me go!

Hey, BPD-Family  , I wanted to update you about how things are going and I can't even tell if they are going the right way, it seems to, but you never know what my loved xxxx does next!

So, I we have always been talking on one specific app and when I told him I wanted to stop using it for a while, told him where else he can reach me if he wants to but actually thought I would not hear from him at all then and it would give me a little break from those heartbreaking ups and downs of him being there and then disappearing again for hours or even days.
Well, unexpectedly that made him download our old standard app, which we have always been talking on when we have still been together. 

Last weekend he took part in an event that has been important to him, and I have asked him to tell me about it more - first he said he'd send me a video message, but when I said he could also call, he ended up calling me during my break at work and we have been talking through 20 minutes until I had to end the conversation.

I see those things as signs that I do matter a bit in his life, because he seems to enjoy talking to me as well. Why else should he do those things?
Those are big steps compared to where we've been in April in case you remember how he said we can't stay in touch and refused to answer me at all for a whole month.

What really concerns me is when he does not get back to me for hours, does not tell me what he is doing. He sometimes sais he was struggling with his anxieties but I think sometimes he is just straight out lying... .that's what I think when I see his mum's Facebook who sometimes posts pictures of the Family spending time together with the girl he has been/is dating on the days when he is silent... .That makes me anxious! 
I still don't know anything more about them and no, I won't even ask. If he wants to tell me about it, I'm sure he will. I'm just focusing on the connection/friendship we have at the moment and hope that from here we can find a way back to where we have been. 

Thanks to the ones following my story - and again, I just wanna ask if there's something I could do better than being there for him, listening, validating his feelings... .and sometimes taking long to respond myself so he doesn't feel too much in control of me  ?

I started working out a bit to feel better about myself, try to distract myself whenever he is not there to talk to. 

[babyducks]

hi FIL,

it sounds like you are excited and hopeful about some of these developements?   The downloading of the app and the phone call.   It sounds like you are having pleasant, cordial conversations?

I have been thinking about your posts, and how things have played out for you.   

can we talk about this bit for a minute?

What really concerns me is when he does not get back to me for hours, does not tell me what he is doing.

I can understand why you are concerned.    I can see why you would be anxious.   I want to ask you a tough question, and I really hope you think deeply, dig deep for an answer.   who do you feel is responsible for your anxiety?   who is responsible for addressing your concerns?    Is it him?   Should he always be there?  Let you know what is going on with him each and every day?   is it up to him?    or is it your responsibility to find healthy ways  to cope and deal with anxiety and concerns in a friendship?  should you never ever depend on him to be in communication?    how much should you feel comfortable with the friendship?    how much trust and fear is reasonable for you in a relationship?    if he was always constantly there,  always in communication, always in good mood and never ever pulling back, would that mean you would feel better one hundred percent of the time?     is there something in the middle between those extremes?

I just wanna ask if there's something I could do better than being there for him, listening, validating his feelings... .and sometimes taking long to respond myself so he doesn't feel too much in control of me

yes I think there is and I think it is right here 

I started working out a bit to feel better about myself, try to distract myself whenever he is not there to talk to.

I know we've talked about this before.  and I know this is difficult to grapple with.    you want to move back to a loving romantic relationship... .I am suggesting it's important to think about what you bring to the relationship,   what emotional skills, strengths and weakness you have, and how to fold them into a possible reconnection.    don't make it all about him.    what do you bring to the table?   

all relationships have challenges,   every relationship has challenges.   this I know for sure.   It is not possible to return to the idealization / honeymoon /infauation stage.     I think mature healthy relationships grow... .and that they grow by facing difficulties.     What can you do to make yourself a confident, comfortable, calm faithfulinlove that would attract him to you?


'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

it sounds like you are excited and hopeful about some of these developements? The downloading of the app and the phone call. It sounds like you are having pleasant, cordial conversations?

Yes, I am excited and hopeful like always. Our conversations go from cordial to silly to flirty - no negativity at all.
The connection we have is all I'm fighting for for months and I am so happy that after giving it my all and staying consistent I am rewarded with having a loved person back in my life.

who do you feel is responsible for your anxiety? who is responsible for addressing your concerns? Is it him?

No, it is me of course and that is what I'm slowly learning. I was crying a lot after the break up last year, telling him how horrible he made me feel, now this is something I'd never do again. I'm taking responsibility and if I'm feeling bad about how things are being, I'm crying on my own and come back when I feel better. Why pressure someone who has enough problems on his own?

Should he always be there? Let you know what is going on with him each and every day? is it up to him? or is it your responsibility to find healthy ways  to cope and deal with anxiety and concerns in a friendship? should you never ever depend on him to be in communication? how much should you feel comfortable with the friendship?

That's what I wish for. Things being the way they were. Being in communication 24/7, but no, I should not depend on it. I think if I feel secure about a person staying in my life, I would not even feel anxious. I am someone who can be left alone, who usually even enjoys time on my own. What I am so scared of is losing him. 

how much trust and fear is reasonable for you in a relationship? if he was always constantly there, always in communication, always in good mood and never ever pulling back, would that mean you would feel better one hundred percent of the time? is there something in the middle between those extremes?

No, he does not have to be in a good mood always, what I want is sharing the ups and downs of our lives and be there for each other like we always have been. No posturing.
If I did not have to worry about him going anywhere, I think I'd feel much better, yeah. I know giving him the responsibility for my feelings is not right, so although he still has that kind of control over me I'm not saying a word, not begging him to tell me where he is going, because realistically this is not my business... .I just miss talking about everything.

I am suggesting it's important to think about what you bring to the relationship, what emotional skills, strengths and weakness you have, and how to fold them into a possible reconnection. don't make it all about him. what do you bring to the table? 

This is what I'm working on the most. I have joined this forum to learn the tools, I bought BPD books to really be informed, lately I have joined a relationship online programme which helps me with my relational skills a lot. I'm spending hours on this everyday after work.
I'm trying to get away from my obsession with a band because the fact that they were so important to me was something that has always hurt him.
I am working on my body and look better than I ever did.
I am going to therapy to learn coping with my anxieties and be more confident.
Also I have a safe and well-paid job now, could offer him security and stability if he decided to come and be with me again.

What can you do to make yourself a confident, comfortable, calm faithfulinlove that would attract him to you?

That is what I am trying so hard. I wanna be the best woman he could ever get. I was hit hard by that break up, but now I really am here, doing everything to make up for my mistakes. I wanna take responsibility.

Thank you for being there and helping with your questions, babyducks!

[FaithfulInLove]

I just feel like talking and hearing what you say regarding this:

My ex is super sweet to me. He is supporting me by saying things like that he believes in me, that I can reach my goals.
Also, we have planned to go to that event together and he has booked a hotel room with two beds so I have a place to stay at - so he doesn't resist spending time with me. Still his messages are short most of the time and less invested than mine are.

At the same time he sometimes is pulling away. I barely get to talk to him really - like yesterday I didn't hear anything from him after 4pm - he just left in the middle of a sweet conversation, came back in the middle of the night. I'm not making a big deal out of those situations, he can come and go whenever he wants to... I'm just trying to understand what might be going on here.

I am working on myself still, trying to be less anxious when he is not there and concentrate on me.

Just... .I don't understand his behaviour at all... .if he enjoys talking to me, why is he barely there to talk to? And if he does not enjoy talking to me, why would he do it and plan things with me? Is anything seeing this clearer than me? Does not make any sense to me

[FaithfulInLove]

Short update on the whole situation:

things are getting a little better day by day, slowly, but I'm still feeling progress.

I don't remember the last time he pulled away for a whole day, he often still doesn't reply for hours but I don't see it as a bad thing that he's taking time for himself - he doesn't have to apologize for that.

He told me he wants to take me out for a meal when we meet as it is my birthday soon and I think that's really sweet. Also he is really supportive and so am I when it comes to him.

Summed up: the whole situation between us feels good and I hope we'll be able to rekindle things.
His ex moved on by the way and is already dating someone else, so no need to worry about a third person in the game at the moment.

[CryWolf]

If I remember correctly, you both live in differnt countries correct? What’s the plan to further this relationship if you guys do rekindle things. Will you Or him move closer?

[FaithfulInLove]

Yes, exactly. He always was really looking forward to moving to my country and living with me.
As I am earning much more than him in my job and couldn't do this job in his country, I'd say this would be the best solution for us.

But I'd also say that's something so far away from now, might be a bit early to think about it when we're not even back together.