Opining on love, sex and my inner narcissist

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This is not easy to share, and if you can relate, happy to hear from you, your own process and experiences. While I sometimes seek and receive helpful feedback about my situation, I’m not seeking that on this post… more thinking out loud.

The hardest arena in which to detach is the physical. The ex is long gone. He doesn’t want to be with me. The whys don’t matter, it’s done.

But I still dream about his embrace. This is something I read a lot on these boards, the sexual allure of the bp both male and female. What is it? They’re very in the moment. They’re charismatic, for some reason they often are handsome or beautiful. Yes, intimacy issues do crop up over time. They sneak up on all of us, yet they’re often exaggerated with pwBP. There’s an extra dollop of fear and anxiety. Maybe it’s like the fears and feelings of a neurotypical on speed and steroids at the same time, I don’t know. I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it and can’t.

This is what I’m having trouble getting past. Prior to the ex I went years without sex. This is personal but we all will never meet right, so here goes. I don’t know why, but I've always liked sex best when I don't care much about the man. As long as he's ready to launch I can blast off. Ten minutes or an hour, doesn’t matter whether he’s a spender or a saver, how smart he is. Which makes for a lot of interpersonal missteps. Go to bed in a few dates and if it turns into a r/s he's incessantly jealous and there's hell to pay. Start a fling with someone then realize we're from different worlds in terms of education or political opinions, or he gives his kids money for pot, or he can't stand that I curse or won’t go rock climbing with him... .you name it. And then to have to back out of it, it’s always bad news.

Having realized that I focused on sex too much, had too much fun or maybe started too soon, I took a sabbatical. Recommitted to chastity unless and until love hit me upside the head. I never thought in terms of a time frame, had no idea when it started how long this self-imposed dry spell would last.

During this period I realized that I had compartmentalized, so either sex was great although (because?) there was no emotional commitment, or love and tenderness were there and the spark was absent …  but never did I find these feelings woven together. Sort of a female version of the “madonna whore syndrome.” I vowed to myself I wanted to do things God’s way and get off this serial monogamy carousel. No more jumping into bed too soon, before friendship had formed or compatibility could be ascertained at least to an extent. I wanted to either be captain of my own ship, or I'd like one more man in my life, a special one who loved me, a best friend who would stick around. And he may or may not rock my world but I needed to let go of passion. And I didn't want to hurt a man again by having to back pedal.

So after nine years in the sexual desert… Things started with my bp ex. Surprise and ka-boom! For the first time ever, I felt the love thing and the sex thing at the same time. His mix of strength and vulnerability, along with his other qualities, brought out all these different sides of me, and I felt he could meet me where I live. The many notes that make up a whole chord or even symphony were all there. Finally, there was no need to compromise or choose between the fun of sex and the sacredness of love… it was all before me in one tall, handsome package. It was a LDR so by necessity we went slowly, but of course I’d hoped it would grow.

Instead, he freaked out and backed out, and the whole thing was done in a few months (last June). We were never intimate. Now it’s 10 years of no sex for me and for the past year, the pendulum swings between a dull ache in my chest and throat, like I swallowed a bowling ball, and a bullet hole in my heart, where there’s wind whistling through the hollow core of me.

I know it’s not about him, per se. It’s just a feeling I had. I brought my whole self to the party and boy did we have fun. Now I’m a year out and I meet man after man. Many have a lot to offer. Yet I haven’t felt a strong spark with anyone. I don’t know what to do, but if I let someone close to me, things will unfold as nature intended.

I’m not ready for love at this time, yet I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, nor will I entirely scrub the ex out of my system, until I have some fun. The men I’m meeting seem fine with no-strings attached sex. Part of me thinks, just hit the sack with someone, anyone without a felony record who brushes his teeth, and things will somehow fall into place. He most likely won’t be “the one” (there probably is no “one”) but the bullet hole will go away, at least for a while. As long as I don’t deceive anyone about my intent it doesn’t strike me as malicious. I don’t care as much about protecting everyone else’s feelings as I once did. I care about how I’m doing, and frankly I could be better.

[spacecadet]

This is not easy to share, and if you can relate, happy to hear from you, your own process and experiences. While I sometimes seek and receive helpful feedback about my situation, I’m not seeking that on this post… more thinking out loud.

The hardest arena in which to detach is the physical. The ex is long gone. He doesn’t want to be with me. The whys don’t matter, it’s done.

But I still dream about his embrace. This is something I read a lot on these boards, the sexual allure of the bp both male and female. What is it? They’re very in the moment. They’re charismatic, for some reason they often are handsome or beautiful. Yes, intimacy issues do crop up over time. They sneak up on all of us, yet they’re often exaggerated with pwBP. There’s an extra dollop of fear and anxiety. Maybe it’s like the fears and feelings of a neurotypical on speed and steroids at the same time, I don’t know. I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it and can’t.

This is what I’m having trouble getting past. Prior to the ex I went years without sex. This is personal but we all will never meet right, so here goes. I don’t know why, but I've always liked sex best when I don't care much about the man. As long as he's ready to launch I can blast off. Ten minutes or an hour, doesn’t matter whether he’s a spender or a saver, how smart he is. Which makes for a lot of interpersonal missteps. Go to bed in a few dates and if it turns into a r/s he's incessantly jealous and there's hell to pay. Start a fling with someone then realize we're from different worlds in terms of education or political opinions, or he gives his kids money for pot, or he can't stand that I curse or won’t go rock climbing with him... .you name it. And then to have to back out of it, it’s always bad news.

Having realized that I focused on sex too much, had too much fun or maybe started too soon, I took a sabbatical. Recommitted to chastity unless and until love hit me upside the head. I never thought in terms of a time frame, had no idea when it started how long this self-imposed dry spell would last.

During this period I realized that I had compartmentalized, so either sex was great although (because?) there was no emotional commitment, or love and tenderness were there and the spark was absent …  but never did I find these feelings woven together. Sort of a female version of the “madonna whore syndrome.” I vowed to myself I wanted to do things God’s way and get off this serial monogamy carousel. No more jumping into bed too soon, before friendship had formed or compatibility could be ascertained at least to an extent. I wanted to either be captain of my own ship, or I'd like one more man in my life, a special one who loved me, a best friend who would stick around. And he may or may not rock my world but I needed to let go of passion. And I didn't want to hurt a man again by having to back pedal.

So after nine years in the sexual desert… Things started with my bp ex. Surprise and ka-boom! For the first time ever, I felt the love thing and the sex thing at the same time. His mix of strength and vulnerability, along with his other qualities, brought out all these different sides of me, and I felt he could meet me where I live. The many notes that make up a whole chord or even symphony were all there. Finally, there was no need to compromise or choose between the fun of sex and the sacredness of love… it was all before me in one tall, handsome package. It was a LDR so by necessity we went slowly, but of course I’d hoped it would grow.

Instead, he freaked out and backed out, and the whole thing was done in a few months (last June). We were never intimate. Now it’s 10 years of no sex for me and for the past year, the pendulum swings between a dull ache in my chest and throat, like I swallowed a bowling ball, and a bullet hole in my heart, where there’s wind whistling through the hollow core of me.

I know it’s not about him, per se. It’s just a feeling I had. I brought my whole self to the party and boy did we have fun. Now I’m a year out and I meet man after man. Many have a lot to offer. Yet I haven’t felt a strong spark with anyone. I don’t know what to do, but if I let someone close to me, things will unfold as nature intended.

I’m not ready for love at this time, yet I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, nor will I entirely scrub the ex out of my system, until I have some fun. The men I’m meeting seem fine with no-strings attached sex. Part of me thinks, just hit the sack with someone, anyone without a felony record who brushes his teeth, and things will somehow fall into place. He most likely won’t be “the one” (there probably is no “one”) but the bullet hole will go away, at least for a while. As long as I don’t deceive anyone about my intent it doesn’t strike me as malicious. I don’t care as much about protecting everyone else’s feelings as I once did. I care about how I’m doing, and frankly I could be better.

[WindofChange]

"anyone without a felony record who brushes his teeth"
I have to say, this made me laugh.

Hits kind of close to home in a way for me, because I met my exBPD fiance after being fed up with a husband who had gained a lot of weight (that wasn't as much of an issue as the following) and became sloppy/lazy in his hygiene habits. Not a BPD issue for the ex-husband (not sure what that was), but it didn't do much for my self-esteem to feel I wasn't good enough for him to take a shower or brush his teeth for, even after I tried to tactfully bring it up several times. Guess he just figured that I'd go along with being intimate anyway. So for me, when this pwBPD came along and he was slim, handsome, and clean, interested in me, and willing to be open and vulnerable with me, I was ripe for the picking. I idealized him and when the love bombing happened, I was all in. Six years later, and here I am.

But to relate more to your post, I feel bad that I complained on another thread about feeling lonely and touch-starved after 2 months of no physical contact and two months before that of low physical contact. And you've gone 10 years, wow... .It's no wonder you're wanting to be intimate with someone.

It seems like part of what you're saying is that you feel conflicted because you feel it could be perceived as wrong by someone else, like it would be somehow misleading if all you want is sex, even if you make it clear to the man up front. Am I understanding that correctly? I know you've posted things in a similar vein on another thread.

[gotbushels]

spacecadet   

But I still dream about his embrace.

Yes sometimes I missed physical intimacy with my ex close to the breakup. It was fun.

This is something I read a lot on these boards, the sexual allure of the bp both male and female. What is it?

I think one way you can look at it is that humans get that chemical feel-good from physical intimate contact. That's fine. We're here to help and share; with my pwBPD, it seemed to be letting go a bit of my restrictions. She was quite experimental, and my life was quite structured. It was a relief to just throw structure and timings out of the window.

So after nine years in the sexual desert… Things started with my bp ex. Surprise and ka-boom! For the first time ever, I felt the love thing and the sex thing at the same time.

Many of us are here because we've been with someone with at least BPD traits. From this group, I think the journey you describe here can be more difficult because you seem to go from thirsty (pardon the word) in the 'desert' into what seems an oasis. One way you can look at the pwBPD in your life was like that pool of water to you. The attractiveness obviously goes up to you if you've been in a desert. 

Looking for a long term healthy relationship can be difficult, it can be rewarding, it can be risky, and it can be painful. Something that helps me here is to remember that sources of joy can come from other places besides intimacy with someone. Doing those things and remembering that I've improved myself despite not getting the relationship I wanted, that helps me to see that surely I will get around what I want--or better. That helps me a lot when I ruminated on my singleness or lack of intimacy. I hope that helps you too. 

[spacecadet]

Appreciate the responses.

It seems like part of what you're saying is that you feel conflicted because you feel it could be perceived as wrong by someone else, like it would be somehow misleading if all you want is sex, even if you make it clear to the man up front. Am I understanding that correctly?

I'm not concerned about being perceived in any given way, I'm trying to decide on my best next steps. My experience has been that men catch feelings from the physical and I don't like dealing with that but I can.

Gotbushels Oasis is a great metaphor. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't real. Farce, maybe?
 

[gotbushels]

I'm not concerned about being perceived in any given way, I'm trying to decide on my best next steps.

  So what are those next steps for you spacecadet?

[spacecadet]

  So what are those next steps for you spacecadet?

Thank you for your thought response above. I re-read it and it sank in more this time.

All this stress of the past year has affected my attention span and even reading comprehension. So weird.

I appreciate what you say about doing the work on yourself, that's my path as well.

To answer your question, nothing profound to share, maybe just continue as I've been. I am back to feeling my ex is gross though, which is a good place to be.

[Insom]

This is something I read a lot on these boards, the sexual allure of the bp both male and female. What is it? They’re very in the moment. They’re charismatic, for some reason they often are handsome or beautiful. Yes, intimacy issues do crop up over time. They sneak up on all of us, yet they’re often exaggerated with pwBP. There’s an extra dollop of fear and anxiety. Maybe it’s like the fears and feelings of a neurotypical on speed and steroids at the same time, I don’t know. I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it and can’t.

This is what I’m having trouble getting past. Prior to the ex I went years without sex.

It sounds like he opened or touched something deep, emotional and important in you, spacecadet.  Have you thought about what that might be?

[once removed]

what are your values around and about sex?

speak both broadly and specifically if you can.

[truthbeknown]

Appreciate the responses.

I'm not concerned about being perceived in any given way, I'm trying to decide on my best next steps. My experience has been that men catch feelings from the physical and I don't like dealing with that but I can.

Gotbushels Oasis is a great metaphor. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't real. Farce, maybe?

Spacecadet:

first i want to answer to the "it certainly wasn't real".    It sounded like a very intense relationship without the sex in a very short time but the bond was there on your part.  I have been studying attachment theories and it's helped me very much because of the whole "avoidant" dynamic and the "anxious" dynamic etc.   Some people just can't be secure in love because they have been hurt before.  I'm not making any excuses for him; I'm still recovering from an "avoidant" personality whether she be BPD/bipolar etc is less concerning to me and more of just looking at that dynamic and really wanting to be with someone who wants to conquer their demons; someone who is "awake" in the sense that when the going gets tough; the tough STAY (sorry Vince Lombardi but there are too many runners these days).  Anyway, it was "real" for you because you found the type of connection that you want.  What makes it real for long term will be someone else that is ready to work on their stuff.  He wasn't ready; most people arent.  Alot of us here were woken up because of being in a r/s with someone who wasn't "awake" or ready or able to handle their demons.  They couldn't or can't get past their traumas to get "real" but that doesn't mean for a minute it wasn't real for you.  I went through that stage of mourning too.  You're still mourning the death of your dream with respects to having what you want in a relationship.  I had to get through morning, accept that even if i never met the "one" (meaning the person who is willing to do the work and we "like" each other, and pursue self mastery together) that i could dream.  I read books about those who overcame odds. I hung out with handicapped people who were making their dreams come true and i realized that person who left, cheated, sabotaged etc can take themselves away from me but they can not take my personality, my love, my dream of meeting someone on my level away from me.   I still have wounds but i'm willing to work through them with the right person.  I haven't crossed the finish line; I'm a work in progress but I hate to hear another person let the dream stealers (wound mates) steal the dreams from those who want to be more aware

As far as the sex:  I want to chime in on this and i don't think it's age dependent because i am having conversations with people in their 20's and 30's who are saying the same things.   There is a group of us that is awakening to the fact that sex can either be like consuming junk food and be short term pleasure or it can be a healthy sustaining meal.   Sounds like you want a man who takes care of himself.  I want this in a female partner myself.  My last gf complained of her husband being overweight and not taking care of himself but then with me she didn't take care of herself.   I am a holistic practitioner and it's important to me that a partner "walk the walk vs just talking the talk".  I have not been able to find a partner who is not hypocritical in that way.  I was close with a former partner but her mood swings were severe and after being in a r/s she started to sabotage her health.

As far as feeling guilty about superficial intimacy or not:
1.  i think if that is what you want but you are clear about it then go for it but you've already stated that it didn't make you feel whole (junk food?)
2.  don't give up.   

recently, after a year of not being intimate and being approached by someone in one of my relationship groups I met someone who is "awake" and we talk about attachment styles and the like and she almost had the same story as you in regard to men.  She told me that she had a one night stand and a very short term sex relationship and she feels that now that isn't for her.  We are long distance too and yet we are going to meet.  I've already talked to her about going slow and how I view sex now.  We shared that we have had great sex and not great sex in relationships and what we have learned from it.   I think I've crossed a line that i may not be able to go back to anymore and maybe you are feeling it too?  in my last relationship the sex was great for me in a different way.  I feel for her quickly and if she and I never would be able to have intercourse or sex but could just lie together naked i would have been okay with that.  It was because until she got off her meds we had so much fun and i imagined myself fitting into her life and visa versa.  Off her meds she needed to experiment with sex and get a new partner.  She became fearful of intimacy (emotional). 

So with the new gal that i am interacting with we are bonding at incredible speeds.  I think of your guy that went away and I don't know if he got scared etc.  All i know is that i have fears but i'm willing to confront them.  I know i have been bit by the last person and i'm watching myself to make sure i don't get scared and run because i'm afraid of getting hurt again.  I'm afraid of falling for this gal only to find out she may run, we may not be able to make it work because of our distance etc.  But, i'm here, i'm conscious, and I'm watching myself.  I would never do what most people are doing these days when they get scared- they run.  But i can imagine why people do. Once you've been hurt really bad by someone; love can bring up all kinds of insecurities. 

I don't know if your last guy just wasn't evolved enough to handle that but hang out in place where evolved people are.  I went to speaker conference and there were people who went there just for the atmosphere.  There were so many high consciousness people there it was incredible.  What i'm trying to say is don't give up!
(thinking of that Peter Gabriel Song by the same title)

Jada pinkett Smith: https://youtu.be/NRwhJEMVZCQ   It's not your fault!