SS14 just diagnosed BPD

[Nope]

Hello. First time posting on this board.

SS14 has lived with DH and I for more than four years. He's been in court ordered counseling this entire time. We are currently starting therapist #3 who has experience with DBT treatment. Prior to these last four years he lived in another stste where his uBPD mom had primary custody. DH had to fight for access and you can probably imagine most of the broader details as everyone on the legal board posts variations on the same themes.

Lately DH and I have been at the end of our rope with SS14. He is a quiet borderline in that he is very passive aggressive and finds sneaky ways to punish and disobey people who have incurred his wrath. At first I thought he had ODD, except he does well in school, as long as he likes his teacher and he never gave coaches a hard time back when he did sports. He'll flat out fail a class in school if he doesn't like his teacher. Right now he has 4 As and one F... .In Drama class. Last year the only class he did badly in was Science because, he said, "she reminds me of mom and dad". (DH is former military and when pushed too far is known to lose his cool.

So, needless to say, living with a fourteen year old BPD child really makes our household a pretty rough place to be a lot of the time. SS14 is always pushing buttons, being disobedient, refusing to do his chores, steeling, lying, manipulating, etc. And when he does get under DH's skin, the whole house is tense and uncomfortable.

DH just sold SS14's gaming console after having threatened for years to do so after he found out that SS was waiting until everyone fell asleep and then bringing it back to his room and playing through the night all week even though he was grounded. We found out when SS missed the school bus last week because he overslept and then had to walk to school. SS has been very clear that nothing and nobody is more important to him than his video games. So there is some friction and SS is currently looking at us with a look on his face like he's going to make us sorry for angering him, but of course hasn't said as much.

So, here is where it gets interesting. When SS told his BPD mom about what had happened she completely took his side and blamed DH for everything. She offered to buy him a brand new gaming console if he would tell DH he wants to live with her and she would let him play it as much as he wants and never have to do any chores. I have no doubt she would absolutely hold up to that bargain to get him back, and he knows she'd do what she's saying as well. So, why on Earth won't he ask to go live with her? DH flat out told him that all he had to do was say he wanted to go live with his mom and DH would see what he could work out with her. (Which should tell you exactly how badly at the end of his rope DH is.) But SS absolutely without hesitation refuses to even entertain the idea of going back to live with his mom. Why?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Comforter]

Sending compassion.  I think he cares for you and knows you are doing what is best for him in long run.

[wendydarling]

Hello Nope and welcome to the board  

Sounds like you've had your work cut out.

So, here is where it gets interesting. When SS told his BPD mom about what had happened she completely took his side and blamed DH for everything. She offered to buy him a brand new gaming console if he would tell DH he wants to live with her and she would let him play it as much as he wants and never have to do any chores. I have no doubt she would absolutely hold up to that bargain to get him back, and he knows she'd do what she's saying as well. So, why on Earth won't he ask to go live with her? DH flat out told him that all he had to do was say he wanted to go live with his mom and DH would see what he could work out with her. (Which should tell you exactly how badly at the end of his rope DH is.) But SS absolutely without hesitation refuses to even entertain the idea of going back to live with his mom. Why?

Good question! I agree with Comforter. Has SS explained why he does not want to go back to live with his Mum?  Can you be sure she offered him what he says?

Good luck with therapist 3 and DBT. My 30DD is fortunately sold on it. What kind of therapy has he taken part in previously? What are the reasons he's now on no 3?

Welcome again.

WDx

[Nope]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. While I've come to terms with dealing with his mom it is at a very safe distance. But this is a whole new ballgame.

I don't think he is a forward thinking "best in the long run" kind of kid. As far as I can tell he has painted all his caretakers black. His stated reason in counseling for not wanting to live with his mom is because he knows she won't take care of him. He's in braces and he knows his mom is often too "busy" to bring her kids to appointments. He also doesn't get attention from his mom. She wants him away in his room playing video games and only coming out to meet her emotional need to feel like she is a good mother. He said he comes out and gives her hugs once in awhile to "keep her calm". Obviously, he makes no effort at all to keep DH calm. So that is specifically part of his dynamic with his mom. Maybe he just wanta to stay somewhere where there is a dynamic that allows him to make us miserable in a way he doesn't feel safe acting out with his BPD mom.

We are on #3 because he started at age ten with a talk/play therapist and there was almost no improvement beyond getting to the point where he could label his feelings (which he couldn't do at all before that therapist). With nothing getting better and puberty making things worse we moved him to a new counselor who was great, but spent the months before testing trying to reason with him. And talk about how he could make things better for himself by taking simple steps. But that he had to be on board and feel there was value in that. This approach got nowhere. After the testing we began medication for ADHD which is what skyrocketed his grades... .as long as the teacher is painted white.

But it was almost like giving the ADHD meds meant he was better able to concentrate on button pushing behavior better. We decided over the summer to take a break from the counseling and when we went to restart that counselor had reduced his hours and couldn't fit SS14 in any more. So now we're working with #3.

[wendydarling]

Hello Nope

It sounds from what you say your SS is pretty smart from his experience of not wanting to live with his Mum and why. To me that is a huge learning in his self care, he is not the parent. He learnt to label, identify his feelings at 10, he's doing well at school. He paints most of his teachers white, perhaps they understand him and validate, validate, he succeeds. Lousy teachers, well I dumped a few in my time  

Our kids are highly intuitive and super sensitive, they want us to listen, listen, listen.

You are an amazing SM Nope, I hear you, it is tough and we are here for you and your family.

No 3 DBT …... he may engage and if he does, game on! My advice is your husband and you do your homework here. Are there family sessions?

Things can get better, there is hope. It's small steps of change we make, they in turn respond, learn and find their way, with our support.

There is a pull and tug dynamic, confiscation, any resolution ahead?

WDx  

[Nope]

Hi Wendy,

Yes, the first order of business is to change the dynamics in our home. Right now he's doing a lot of trying to prove to us that we can't control him and taking a mile whenever he's given an inch. We've gotten to a bad place where he is pretty much on total lock down when not in school and there is no graceful way to back down at this point that won't make him feel like he "won". In DH's attempts to show him that actions have consequences we've now completely run out of consequences to give. He isn't allowed outside. He isn't allowed out of his room except to do chores (if he is so enclined) or to eat dinner. He has no electronics besides a flip phone for talking and texting with uBPD mom and occasionally a TV when he can earn it. He's literally worked his way to this situation in the past four years with a significant ramping up since I had D1.

DH told me he was actually looking at our finances to see if we can afford to send him back to live with uBPD mom. I'm sure SS14 is feeling pretty unloved and uncared-for at this point, but we have so much on our plates - unexpected financial issues, unexpected surgeries, parenting a high needs toddler, all the appointments for SS14's counseling and braces and trying new medications (he's also ADHD), the little bit SD15 ever asks for that we feel guilty if we don't do because she's such a good kid. It's really hard to carve out the time, patience, and energy for a kid who insists on making himself as unlikeable as possible. Fortunately, at this point the whole house is in counseling. Had my first session today. Was told I need to pivot and focus on self care before I even think about anything else.