Frequent Make up/Break up

[jxeer]

My uBPD partner has broken up with me on a weekly basis almost every week for the past two years, all while professing undying love and adamantly wanting me to marry and have children with me. The only exception being a few months of relative stability this past Winter and Spring.

Has anyone else experienced this with their partners? How do you cope with it?

I grew increasingly distant and more prone to stone-walling and ignoring them (usually not longer than for a day or two) to protect my autonomy and peace of mind. When things got too overwhelming and I pulled back, they experienced it as me giving them the silent treatment. You could say, when I felt like I was the Victim and they were Persecutor, my actions in self-defense made me appear like a Persecutor in their eyes. I also had a BPD mother and I learned to cope with similar symptoms by closing off. I feel some regret for responding that way because it had corrosive effects upon the relationship, but I didn't know how to cope otherwise. I'm also trying to find a line between taking responsibility for my part and blaming myself.

What are your experiences?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi jxeer,

Thank you for posing this question to the community! I hope others will join us here to discuss this topic!

I think this is a common theme for many people. It is one of the reasons I originally sought out this site - trying to understand how someone could "take the nuclear option", as I called it, so often. Just end it, instead of make an effort to talk with me and work things out as I was more typically used to.

It was a devastating personal experience for me and led to a lot of pain, confusion, damage, and significant breakdown of the relationship.

It is definitely something you must get a handle on, in my opinion, or it will go on and on I am afraid.

I used a combination of strategies to deal with it. It was never easy.

For now I want to focus on how it makes you feel. How do you handle it emotionally? How open are you able to be about you feel about it with her? How does she respond? (I saw the letter you wrote on your other post, but dropped in here first.)

Does anyone else have experience with this? Weekly, or otherwise very often, break ups/break up threats?

sincerely, pearl.

[Skip]

My uBPD partner has broken up with me on a weekly basis almost every week for the past two years, all while professing undying love and adamantly wanting me to marry and have children with me... //... How do you cope with it?

Do you want to cope with this? Are you ok to settle in and normalize this behavior as a life style?

If your mom had BPD traits and treated you in unacceptable ways, you had no choice but to cope. But with your girlfriend you aren't locked into those "helpless" coping tools - you can stand your ground. You should stand your ground.

I'm not suggesting that you go crazy right now... .reversing this "norm" will take some planning, some communication, and some slow tightening of the noose of on this bad behavior, and accepting the risk (she may only want you in she can "on you").  Short of this, you are rewarding/condoning it and devaluing yourself infront of her - losing her respect.

As understand it, she has broken up with you for 30 days right now. Is that right?

Do you want to end this type of treatment? Are you ready to stand up?