I'm Going a Little Crazy Here

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My STBX left last August. Haven't seen him or talked to him since. On the one hand, the NC is beneficial, on the other... .I think the dream I had last night says it all.

We were in a room together, some sort of anteroom in a courthouse. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. So tight. I felt so safe. Then we kissed.

When I pulled away, I said the truth, "Oh my God, have I missed you."

Then he asked something about getting together or stopping the divorce or something like that, and I said no I couldn't. Not ever.

Then I saw my STBX try to worm his way into my son's life and my son allowing it to happen.

So there you have it: I am conflicted. I am sad. I am grieving a loss, and I am worried that my being with my STBX has made it somehow acceptable for my 2 kids to settle for as little as I did.

Yeah, and maybe none of that qualifies as making me seem crazy, but the story about the landscaper and me... .

He's chopped my plants down. Lobbed it off at the top. I got so frustrated. I looked at other bushes he'd done the same to a few years ago, vast portions of them are dead. So I am now digging up the nearly dead plants, and I cut down the begonias. I never wanted begonias. I wanted an evergreen plant that smelled good, but the landscaper put in begonias, so i have now cut them down.

Even my wonderful sister said, "Yeah, TMD, that's crazy. But at least you're not cutting yourself."

Yup. At least I'm not cutting myself--something I used to do as an adolescent and a 30something.

Happy Saturday,

TMD

[toomanydogs]

My STBX left last August. Haven't seen him or talked to him since. On the one hand, the NC is beneficial, on the other... .I think the dream I had last night says it all.

We were in a room together, some sort of anteroom in a courthouse. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. So tight. I felt so safe. Then we kissed.

When I pulled away, I said the truth, "Oh my God, have I missed you."

Then he asked something about getting together or stopping the divorce or something like that, and I said no I couldn't. Not ever.

Then I saw my STBX try to worm his way into my son's life and my son allowing it to happen.

So there you have it: I am conflicted. I am sad. I am grieving a loss, and I am worried that my being with my STBX has made it somehow acceptable for my 2 kids to settle for as little as I did.

Yeah, and maybe none of that qualifies as making me seem crazy, but the story about the landscaper and me... .

He's chopped my plants down. Lobbed it off at the top. I got so frustrated. I looked at other bushes he'd done the same to a few years ago, vast portions of them are dead. So I am now digging up the nearly dead plants, and I cut down the begonias. I never wanted begonias. I wanted an evergreen plant that smelled good, but the landscaper put in begonias, so i have now cut them down.

Even my wonderful sister said, "Yeah, TMD, that's crazy. But at least you're not cutting yourself."

Yup. At least I'm not cutting myself--something I used to do as an adolescent and a 30something.

Happy Saturday,

TMD

[Turkish]

I tried begonias once, but they didn't overgrow. Too much sun? Not enough water? I've reinvented my front flower bed several times over the past 9 years. The mint looked and smells nice but it was a disaster after two years.  Tore it out.  Nice smelling weed. The was another plant recommend by a friend.  By year 2 it was a disaster.  Tore it out. The s
Sweet Alyssum ground cover seems to do ok for at least 3 years.

Everything is pretty and alluring in the beginning,  much like our relationships.  When things turn sour,  it's time to uproot and plant untainted soil.

I'm sorry that you are hurting.  I don't see these attachments and feelings as unnatural,  even if they are frustrating and hard. 

What your sister said seems a little unkind,  but I don't think she meant it that way,  do you think?

[toomanydogs]

What your sister said seems a little unkind,  but I don't think she meant it that way,  do you think?

Oh gosh, no. My sister was playing with me. She was laughing. She was also laughing because I'd told my son I felt like burning the entire yard down, and he told me very seriously, "Mom, that would not be a good idea. That is not going to make you look reasonable."

So then I told my sister is that i cut down the begonias instead and asked if she could see me trying to burn my yard down. (I'm mid-60s, under 5 feet, and I'm afraid of fire.)

My family--sisters and kids--are sarcastic with a dry wit. She was teasing.

Thanks for clarifying.   

TMD

[formflier]

I don't dream a lot, or likely better said I don't remember my dreams often.  When I do remember it's usually about something "really emotional"

It seems totally natural that you play out the "what would I say if he came back" thing.  And that certainly would be emotional. 

Do you usually remember or have "vivid" dreams?   What do you think this dream "means"?


FF

[worriedStepmom]

You're totally normal.

I had dreams about my xH during our divorce, too.  By the end I was having dreams like yours because I was terrified he'd ask to come back and I knew I didn't want him anymore.

I also tore up all of my flower beds and started over.  It was a terrific stress relief, I ended up with amazing arms, and when it was done the yard was MINE.  It was awesome.

Enjoy your yard work.

[toomanydogs]

Do you usually remember or have "vivid" dreams?   What do you think this dream "means"?


FF

Yeah, I've had vivid dreams since I was a little girl; in fact, I still remember a lot of my dreams when I was little, precisely because they were so vivid.

I think a few things regarding this dream. First, I haven't heard from STBX in over a year. I know him pretty well, and unless a miracle has occurred, right about now he's not doing well. By not doing well, I mean he has probably cut ties with his lawyer and his father, making it pretty difficult to move forward.

Part of me has worried that without his response that the divorce will continue to be pending for the near foreseeable future. That worry is always in the back of my mind.

Next, I have also worried that he would ask me to come back. He cannot take care of himself in any meaningful way. Before I came into the picture, he had tried to rob a bank, been put on "do not take calls" from this man because he'd threatened customer service, said he was coming down to kill her. He knows he can't take care of himself. His father knows. And I've worried one or both would ask me to stay.

So in a way that dream was my "practice." I do love my STBX; I always have. I can't see that ending. And I've always worried about him. Now, however, I am more worried about myself. And before he left, I had become afraid of him. I could no longer rely on my ability to read him, and without that ability, he was too unpredictable.

You know, and all that is the reason I feel sad. I love him. I worry about him. And I can't live with him. All I can do is pray for him, but right now. I need to pray with an open heart, and right now I'm too wounded.

Wow. I had no idea I was going to write all that.   
TMD

[toomanydogs]

You're totally normal.

I had dreams about my xH during our divorce, too.  By the end I was having dreams like yours because I was terrified he'd ask to come back and I knew I didn't want him anymore.

I also tore up all of my flower beds and started over.  It was a terrific stress relief, I ended up with amazing arms, and when it was done the yard was MINE.  It was awesome.

Enjoy your yard work.

Thanks, Worried

I wasn't feeling all too normal, so it's good to hear what you did with your flower beds.

There's a chance, probably a good chance, that I won't get the marital home. And I will then be digging out a lot of plants.

Because I wasn't planning on divorcing him, I put in plants to commemorate the deaths of several animals. I have other plants my kids gave me for Mother's Day. Every last plant that I've put in that has meaning like that, I will be taking.

I also have inside doors and cabinetry that had been given to me as gifts. Given to me, not STBX and me. So those will also go.

It's funny I don't consider myself a material person, yet the "things" here, including the living things like the plants, mean something to me beyond what they are. And that emotional connection is why I'll take them.

 
TMD