uBPD mom's negativity and criticism is wearing on me

[Pam Letgo]

Hi Everyone Just thought I would share something that's been helpful, managing expectations.  I used this in customer relations but I found it useful in dealing with BPD loved ones.  I have finally stopped seeking compassion and understanding from my Mom .  For the longest time I would get frustrated that my Mom wasn't acting like I thought Moms should act , that is with compassion and understanding. No more .  I now understand and accept that that is not her.  And it is OK .  She is other wonderful things.  Now that I accept who she is her comments don't bother me like they used to. I am expecting them and just let them pass over me.  And since I no longer react to her comments we generally just move on .  I am managing my expectations of my Mom .  They are now more realistic .

[Harri]

That is excellent insight into your situation.  Accepting her limitations and having realistic expectations will help in a lot of situations.

Thank you for sharing your success with us!

 

[Kwamina]

Hi Pam Letgo

Thanks for this update. It is definitely great that you've found managing expectations so helpful  Acceptance, often radical acceptance, of the current reality as it is (not as we would like it to be) and having realistic expectations of our BPD family-members, are also in my experience very important elements of our healing as we forge onwards on our path.

Take care

[Pam Letgo]

Hi All. Yes acceptance has helped me immensely.  However I want to point out I am able to accept my Mom because she has shown me she loves me and has done good things for me.  In contrast I did not choose to accept my former bipolar husband because in the end I realized he never loved me.  In that case I left.  It just feels so good to finally get a handle on this . 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Pam Letgo,
It really helped my healing when I realized that my BPD mom really did love me, despite behaving in ways that made my life really unpleasant. It was hard to hold those ideas simultaneously at first but now I know that she did her best for me and knowing that her intentions were generally good was helpful. It's a work in progress to accept when the messages are so mixed.

Like you, I realize that my ex-husband, though he said he loved me at times, certainly didn't behave that way and when push came to shove, it was obvious that the only person he cared about was himself. Thus it was easy to release the emotional attachment I had once felt for him when I finally came to that understanding.

Yes, it really helps to be able to get a grip on these confusing feelings and have a clear overview. Good work, Pam Letgo!  

Cat

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you so much everyone for your sharing and your insights. You have make the difference for me. I know I would not have been able to make the progress I have made without your encouragement and insights.

I have just started reading Surviving a Borderline Parent .  I know that is going to help also.  I will keep you posted.   As you say it is a journey .