How to handle constant bringing up of past injustices

[Joy70]

Hi all and thank you for welcoming me in to the family. I would very much appreciate some advise and support. I have been with my husband for almost 21 years now and although I very early on suspected something wasn't right, I didn't realise he fits most of the symptoms of a high functioning BPD until a few years ago. Like so many say, it felt like coming out of the fog but I also experienced a grieving process before I snapped in to action and tried to help him, me, our children, our family. I have read tonnes and I feel I have made/am still making great progress although it's very difficult and if I am honest with myself, I am staying with him largely because I instinctively know that separating from him will be a thousand times worse than staying with him due to his strong abandonment issues. Also, on the whole, he's functioning quite well and I feel I am able to steer and guide our children through the worst of his behaviors. But one thing I am constantly struggling with is how to respond to his regular upset over incidents that took place between 20 years ago and 12 years ago respectively. The first incident involved me going out partying with a group of friends, including guys, a few months after we met, in a manner he deems deeply disrespectful to him, although absolutely no infidelity took place. I should mention here that he's not naturally jealous and always has - and continues to - encourage me to see friends and have my own hobbies and interests, so this is not a jealousy issue. He's definitely not controlling in that sense. The second incident - or situation is more accurate - is that I felt close to a guy at work during a time when our marriage was at its absolute worst, and I felt constantly depressed and confused about my situation, and I felt trapped, not able to leave as I was worried about how my husband would react. Again, I was not unfaithful in the physical respect, but clearly I did have feelings for this person. I was honest and told my husband about it. I am not making any excuses for any of this and I understand he's hurt, but I have for two decades told him everything there is to know about every minute detail of both situations, but there's been no convincing him that nothing untoward happened. He keeps bringing this up (although it can be dormant for years but it always comes back) and I feel desperate about this. He says I shouldn't be able to get away with it, and I am trying to explain to him that I am not trying to get away with it, but I can't change the past and I can't explain any more than I already have. I feel as if I am being tortured mentally about this but leaving him is not an option, that is not the advice I am looking for. I would just appreciate it if somebody has any advice about how to handle the topic when it comes up. I know about BPDs need for validation, I know about their fear of abandonment and how they can bring everything that happens back to themselves, but I feel I have listened and listened, and tried to respond to the abandonment issues and also trying to make him see that maybe this is all pointing to his own lack of self-worth (although I am of course not using those words!) rather than jealousy or sadness over something I did. But nothing seems to help, and it's causing regular explosions and rants. I hope I haven't given the wrong impression about him as a person - he is in his core a wonderful man and father, but he's been through abuse as a child and feels let down by a lot of people and a lot of things in life. I do also want to stress again that he's not controlling me or my life in the sense that he doesn't want me to pursue friendships and hobbies, although of course his BPD behaviour in itself controls me. I think he can see that sometimes, but other times it's like he turns in to somebody else and he just can't see the effect he's having on me and us as a family. I would be so grateful for advice if anyone is experiencing similar issues.

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[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello  

It's hard to respond well in situations when you feel surprise attacked, especially if you have some regrets or guilt about the incident being dragged up from the past.

Do you feel that you've come to peace and acceptance with the two incidents? It must be hard to do that when it's being litigated repeatedly.  

You may want to run through exactly what happens to you physically when he raises the subject, and pay attention to what's happening emotionally so you can begin to regulate it and get centered. You'll be changing a pattern with him, so there's a chance he may dysregulate when the rules of the interaction change -- he won't get the same payoff and it will throw him.

This rehashing is making you feel bad, which means he's crossing a limit.

What would happen if you described to him how you feel in that moment, "I feel physically ill talking right now. My chest is tight, my heart is pounding, I feel sick to my stomach. I need to take a break and figure out what's going on. I will come back when I'm feeling less ill." And then follow through. Leave until you feel centered.

He may be getting some positive reinforcement when he rehashes the conversation. I find with my BPD loved one that validation can sometimes make her more emotionally aroused. You may be validating his rage and sadness and giving him some fuel to keep going. People with BPD are regulated externally, so if you mirror back a willingness to discuss the topic, he will gladly follow what feels to him like permission to ruminate.

After you set a limit based on how you are feeling, you could introduce the idea that you will not discuss it further.

To tell him you will not discuss it further, there must be a validating environment already in place. It sounds like you have already made that shift and applied validation skills.

The tough part is following through and managing our own emotions. If you feel guilt when you withdraw your participation in your half of the conversation, it can feel uncomfortable to the point you return in an attempt to return to what feels familiar.

[Inquisitive1]

livednlearned is a master and gives great advice.

I can relate to how frustrating it can be to have old things brought up again and again--my wife used to do this a lot. I found setting boundaries about bringing up old wrongs reduce the frequency of her doing this. I'll listen to some of this and own what I did wrong, but if starts getting repeated or coming up frequently I set a boundary.

We recently got into a fight about an email I sent to some friends of ours. It wasn't harmful but, in retrospect I shouldn't have sent it. She got really mad about this--out of proportion to the infraction, called me an f'ing idiot. I gave her my honest explanation with some detail. She probed me for details a couple more times and I started to telling her that I'd already explained it and didn't have anything more to say. The furor eventually calmed down.

Best of luck, I1

[Joy70]

Thank you for your replies and insights, livednlearned and Inquisitive1. It is wonderful to feel supported and that I am not alone. I very much value your thoughts.

A few things you both said, in different but from both of you in very graceful and respectful ways, has really struck a chord with me: have I come to peace and acceptance with how I've acted? Have I owned what I did wrong? Have I set boundaries? I have tried setting boundaries in the past, and I have - as I said in my post - validated and validated (I take your point livednlearned about perhaps doing it too much) but have I acted in a genuine way or have I actually been busy defending myself? Have I set boundaries by shutting down what he's trying to tell me without actually taking it onboard? Saying all the right things in theory but has it sounded heartfelt?

I am asking myself all these hard questions today because I took your advice yesterday livednlearned, and told my husband how it's affecting me physically when he brings it up. All the physical symptoms you described in your response, I feel those. I explained that and I then said, enough - I am not willing to talk about this anymore, it is crossing a limit. He heard me - yes, he ranted and defended himself and took us down countless rabbit holes in the usual manner of our circular arguments, but not to the same degree as usual. And eventually he managed to explain to me that he's never really felt heard himself, by me. He conveyed that he feels that the words are coming out of my mouth but he doesn't feel there's any substance to them. He also said that he's beginning to realise that the hurt he still feels over the incidents all those years ago, stems from two things: his own very low sense of self-worth but also the fact that he is really starting to become aware of that back then, he actually compromised on the type of person he wants to share his life with. He said he should never have accepted my actions, he will never be able to get over them and as a result, he now realises that I am not the person he should ever have been choosing as a wife, or now to continue to have an intimate relationship with. He said this without being hurtful or mean, but of course to hear it did hurt.

So there it is. Even though it was painful I feel it was a great breakthrough for both of us. I don't know where we go from here but it feels like we reached new ground and a common understanding. Practically, I can't see us ever divorcing or separating as we both want to live full time with our children. So who knows.

As for me, I now need to work out how to  truly own my past actions, and to recognize that even though I feel very strongly that his hurt is out of proportion with what I actually did, (or didn't do as it were), it is not for me to judge that - it is his hurt and he is allowed to feel that way, and I have caused that hurt.

But I also am going to focus on balancing that with everything good that I know and feel that I am, and everything good I have done over the last two decades. And, I also want to balance the hurt I've caused him with the hurt that I feel myself, as a result of his actions past and present. All the yelling, name calling, intimidating behavior, irrational rants and other challenges that I feel are inflicted not only on me, but also on our children which is a million times worse. I too have very much compromised on the type of person I was hoping to spend my life with, the difference is, I've felt too intimidated to say that to him, so I've had to for all of our sake, and of course above all for our children's sake, had to learn coping mechanisms to put up with all of it and to get through it without breaking down, whereas he could say it openly yesterday without fear. 

I guess what I am saying is: I will take all this and continue on my path of self-enlightenment, which I started unwittingly when I began to read up and understand about BPD as it highlights not just the BPDs bad sides, but also how your own bad sides and negative behavior can effect the BPD. And I will do all of this without losing myself in the process.

Writing this has been incredibly cathartic. I am not sure if it will help anyone else but just by being able to write this, I feel stronger.

Thanks again to both of you for your replies.