Are pwBPD stingy?

[AskingWhy]

BPD, by its definition, includes lack of empathy; lack of empathy is also a diagnostic criterion for NPD.

pwBPD are too wrapped up in their own hollow sense of identity and self-loathing to see others with any sort empathy.

This is not the entire case with my uBPD/uNPD H.  H is constantly showering his adult children and friends with gifts and money.  Of course, he spares nothing on himself, and recently bought himself an expensive car and expensive sporting goods.  He renewed his golf membership and bought himself new clubs.  

For our 20th anniversary, H bought me a diamond ring far less than he could have afforded; it was a very poor quality and like something a man in his 20s would buy for his wife.  It was an insult to our 20 years together when you consider he is a retired military officer and now a working professional.  When I stated and showed my disappointment, he flew into a rage, told me he wanted it back and would pawn it.  He bellowed that he would never buy me anything else again.  He raged that I did not appreciate "anything" he ever gave me.  In truth, he has never bought me anything of value while showering his adult children with money and expensive gifts (daughters get expensive designer handbags, son get rehab, bail bonds and a snowmobile.)

I know the Eggshells books states that higher functioning BPDs are more inclined to have NPD features and are less likely to seek therapy or treatment.  I see this in my H.  H is always blaming me for pitfalls in his life.  The more depressed I become, the more abusive he becomes.  It's hard enough for me to get out of bed on some days.  It's an endless cycle.  The more H abuses, the more depressed I become; the more depressed I am, the more he abuses.  My worth to him is what use I can be.

H has such a shallow identity that he tries to buy companionship and approval from his children and friends.  It's really embarrassing sometimes to see him fawn over people.  He does this by giving money and buying gifts.  At a large meal with relatives or friends, he will pick up the entire tab for everyone, including drinks, to show what a nice person he is.  In secret, he will call me names, punch holes in walls and upend furniture, and threaten divorce.  He also uses the silent treatment and withholding affection.

For me, on the other hand, he goes as cheap as he can if a gift is warranted.  He ventured this weekend that we, instead of us buying each other nice Christmas gifts, buy a new set of sofas for the living room, and then buy "small" gifts for one another.  This is his way of going cheap with me.

My B said H is not "cheap" as he is certainly insanely generous with others.   B said that, instead, delighting me with a nice gift to show his regard for me is not my H's priority.  H's priority is to ingratiate himself to his children and friends by spending a lot of money.  H's shallow self-esteem is the reason for this.

Does anyone else have comparable stories on what a spouse or SO will do owing to their poor sense of identity or low self-esteem?

[Cat Familiar]

My husband can frequently be overly generous with others as you’ve described. He can be surprisingly generous to me with expensive gifts and he can spend huge sums on himself. Then he will often grouse about how much things cost and has sometimes played the guilt card with me when I’ve mentioned that I wanted to get the windows professionally washed or need to get the burner on the stove repaired.

I used to get upset about these comments, particularly after he’s indulged himself with yet another expensive watch, but now I ignore it and just do as I please and have the damn windows washed.

[snowglobe]

@Askingwhy,
This sounds familiar to me, my unpdh has no merit when it comes to “winning” someone’s approval st the cost of his own financial security. My story, I’m sure will top off your ring story. Last year, after ruining yet another birthday uBPDh left suddenly for a day, at that time we were managing with one car. He drove back an insanely beautiful, luxurious and expensive car, telling me “ you see, this was your bday present”. Only he yelled at me every time he saw any dust, hair or smudge inside of it. As the time went on, he could not bring his car to his frequent work site, so my mom was using it to commute the children. Now, that he decided that he is done with the family he is getting rid of the car lease. As he wants me to smell the real world. Two things- birthday present- gone, didn’t even get a chance to enjoy it without being yelled at for over a year. Two- I’m being left without a way of commuting, we don’t live close to the city center, it’s most sleeping neighborhoods, one needs a car to get from point a to point b. I know this doesn’t make you feel any better, but I also know what it’s like to be abused the more you get depressed. WhAt I remember is, once I’m strong enough and I start walking, this is the time he usually snorts cocaine and tries to justify his behaviour. As you can imagine, it’s aleays my fault

[PeteWitsend]

In my experience, BPDw was not stingy with money, although her gifts were usually not what I ever wanted.

In my experience though, she was more or less irresponsible with money.  Really pushed us to take a lot of weekend trips we could've done without.  even short weekend trips get costly when you factor in a hotel for 1-2 nights. 

at the same time, she would get on my case for $15 lunches a couple times a week.

She was generally okay with leaving the bills and finances to me, but every couple months would imagine I was hiding something and angrily demand to see our accounts, and then justify her outburst by nitpicking my  spending, and/or insinuating I was going to lunch with someone else

When I would propose mutual budgets & spending limits, with the requirement we run individual purchases over $100 by the other person first, she dropped it.  Her $100-$200 online purchases of clothes or unnecessary household stuff 2-3 times a month easily exceeded what I was spending on eating out 3-4 times a week.