Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
November 24, 2024, 08:34:34 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Ambiguous grief
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Ambiguous grief (Read 501 times)
Chitchat
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Romantic (on - off) August 2017 to June 2018. DV. Both reached out but both mostly No Contact since.
Posts: 106
Ambiguous grief
«
on:
October 27, 2018, 04:34:43 AM »
https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/#comment-39270
Excerpt
Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive
My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, “what are they talking about? How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief?” or a “holy crap, yes! I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic”. This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven’t, you don’t. Either way, hopefully you’ll read on.
Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article. Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.
In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize. The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen. Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness. If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand. The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t. But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were. This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.
This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real. Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things. You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction. You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.
These things do not change our love for the person – we still love our mom with dementia, our husband with an opiate addiction, our son with schizophrenia. But this continued love doesn’t change how deeply we miss the person they used to be, the person we lost. We may not feel like we have the same relationship with that person – our marriage no longer feels like a marriage when one spouse can no longer remember the other. The parent-child relationship no longer feels the same when a parent has to stop protecting, trusting, or helping a child in the same way due to addiction. The child-parent relationship becomes confused when a child has to care for a parent. Though we still have a relationship with the person it has radically changed and we grieve the relationship we used to have.
Our ‘ambiguous grief’ feelings may be sadness and yearning, anger and guilt, or a range of other emotions. These emotions can become even more complicated than the grief that comes after a death when the behaviors and words of the ‘new’ person causes us to question our old memories. Or worse, they can start to consume our brains as those old memories begin to fade. Another complication of ambiguous grief is that many people don’t recognize it as grief. When those around us don’t acknowledge our grief, or make us feel that we have permission to grieve this sort of loss, that can make you feel lonely and isolated. It can be a hard type of grief to open up about because we know others may not acknowledge it.
As usual, the big question is so what? So what that it is grief? So what do I do about it?
Ambiguous Grief Tips: what to do when you are grieving someone who is still alive:
Remember that the present doesn’t override the past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn’t change the person they were. Even if their words or behaviors now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this doesn’t change the person they were and the relationship you had. Cherish those positive memories, write them down, create a scrapbook of old photos, whatever you can.
Understand that the illness isn’t the person. This sounds obvious, but it can be really tough when someone you love seems like they should be the same wonderful person they always were, they’re not. Whether it is addiction, dementia, a brain injury, mental illness, or anything else, it is important to understand the illness. As much as we may still feel anger, frustration, or blame toward the person, understanding the illness can divert some of those feelings.
Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss. Though society may not always recognize this type of grief, it is important that you give yourself permission to grieve this loss. Acknowledge and express the pain of the loss, rather than trying to ignore or avoid the pain.
Be open to a new type of relationship. When the person we love has changed, the relationship we have with them will inevitably change. This can feel like it is objectively and entirely a bad thing, but there is the opportunity for a new type of relationship. Will this new relationship always be easy? No. Hell no. In fact, many days it will be very very hard. But being open and seeking gratitude in your new relationship can be extremely helpful.
Connect with others who can relate. When many won’t relate to ambiguous loss, finding a support group can be of help. There are support groups out there for caregivers of those with dementia, groups like Al-anon and Nar-anon for family members of those with addiction, and groups like NAMI who offer groups for family of those with mental illness.
Logged
Che sara, sara.
Mutt
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10396
Re: Ambiguous grief
«
Reply #1 on:
October 27, 2018, 07:10:27 PM »
Quote from: Chitchat on October 27, 2018, 04:34:43 AM
These things do not change our love for the person – we still love our mom with dementia, our husband with an opiate addiction, our son with schizophrenia. But this continued love doesn’t change how deeply we miss the person they used to be, the person we lost
This is a good article Chitchat thanks for sharing your find. I can relate with this article it has happened with two people in my family first my exuBPDw - she became someone completely different by the end of the r/s filled with anger and rage and couldn't see the positive aspects of who I am.
The second person is more recent it's my D12 coming out and saying that she's a boy seeing her chop her hair wear baggy boys clothes.
I had to let go of the idea of my exuBPDw returning back to the person that I met at the beginning of the r/s she changed, she wasn't the only one that changed I changed due to the divorce and I see things now that I didn't see then I'm aware now that what she was doing is not normal her behaviours are driven by the disorder.
My D12 feels like I lost my D and I'm seeing a r/s slip because her mother saw an opportunity and wedged herself between her and I. This is something that is a work in process now and will probably be for some time I am deal with the alienation through court now though.
Quote from: Chitchat on October 27, 2018, 04:34:43 AM
These things do not change our love for the person – we still love our mom with dementia, our husband with an opiate addiction, our son with schizophrenia. But this continued love doesn’t change how deeply we miss the person they used to be, the person we lost.
I half agree with this statement I do miss the D that I lost I don't miss my exuBPDw the person that that idealised me or the person that she became in the end.
Quote from: Chitchat on October 27, 2018, 04:34:43 AM
Remember that the present doesn’t override the past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn’t change the person they were. Even if their words or behaviours now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this doesn’t change the person they were and the relationship you had. Cherish those positive memories, write them down, create a scrapbook of old photos, whatever you can.
This is something that I struggle with my D she wants to bury the person that she was in the LGBQT community it's invalidating to have pictures up of the person that they were before she's asked to not have pictures up of her as a girl I took them and put them in the closet in my room so that nobody stumbles upon. I thought to ask her P if dissociation and not thinking about or trying to erase your past is a good idea. That's a story for a different board but it is about grieving and I agree it is complicated.
Logged
"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Online
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12732
Re: Ambiguous grief
«
Reply #2 on:
November 01, 2018, 11:55:19 PM »
Quote from: Chitchat on October 27, 2018, 04:34:43 AM
what to do when you are grieving someone who is still alive:
thats a way of putting it. it felt that way to me too. it was one of the aspects that made it so hard.
what were your thoughts/reaction to the article Chitchat?
Logged
and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sirnut
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 89
Re: Ambiguous grief
«
Reply #3 on:
November 02, 2018, 05:25:22 AM »
Quote from: once removed on November 01, 2018, 11:55:19 PM
Remember that the present doesn’t override the past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn’t change the person they were. Even if their words or behaviors now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this doesn’t change the person they were and the relationship you had.
Thanks, these words seem to capture the way I’ve been trying to deal with what happened - to honour and grieve the one I’ve lost, even though she seems to have turned into a different person.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Ambiguous grief
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...