Can it be saved, or better yet, should I?

[snowglobe]

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm actually not surprised. It isn't unusual for a member here to have at least one parent with a disorder. These issues tend to be intergenerational. How we grow up influences our choice of partner. This doesn't mean we are only destined to this kind of thing- but it does mean we have some personal work to do. As children, we learn coping behaviors that "worked" in our FOO, but they were also dysfunctional. We can learn new ones.

I asked you before if your D was in your situation, would you expect her to tolerate how your H treats you for your own security. I had hoped that your parents would support you emotionally in your situation. Since your mother isn't from this country, it makes sense that one marries off a daughter for economic security. Some cultures did that, and still do that, but even so, they probably don't anticipate abuse. This doesn't mean you have to tolerate abuse. This is a different time, and a different country.

It's a shock to see old behaviors that you thought were stable. I had a similar experience when my father got ill. I hadn't seen my BPD mother behave like she did for a long time. I don't know if your mother has BPD or not, but this episode and calling you a "B" at this time is off the wall. I think these types of behaviors can be exacerbated by stress and also changes but that doesn't make you responsible for her stress.

You are a parent now of a teen almost your age when you got married. It was an eye opener to me to become a parent and realize that some of the things I experienced from my own mother were not anything I would do to a child. It must have been a shock for you this evening.

@NotWendy,
As I mentioned in the previous reply, my life from 15-16 yo was a constant fight for survival. New culture, new language, new customs, mother who is acting out, or leaving me. Once uBPDh came into my life, the relationships began to shift into a better direction. As bad as it may sound, his abuse wasn’t as bad as the one she inflicted on me. He began to build up our life, she seemed recovered. There weren’t a lot of dramatic gestures, name calling or outbursts, the financial security, as I now see it, became a strong boundary she didn’t want to loose. Now, I’m sure not maliciously, she is manipulating me to act in a way that suits her needs. I’ve already contacted family clinical psychologist, that worked with my family on number of issues, from son’s disability to d15 issues. I will have a sit down chat with him about “my needs and what I want”. Frankly, neither my mom (step dad is super hands on, supportive and leveled headed) not my unpdh are good for my mental health. So I’m going to leave her (my mom) where she is at, and have her sort out her issues. It’s awe fullly “convenient” to throw a fit the night before my medical procedure, she knows I’m going under, she knows there will be pain, discomfort, yet, for either uBPDh or her it’s about them.
It’s all good, there is uber, uBPDh will have to get the kids from school, I’ll give instructions to d15 how to feed herself and her brother.
At this stage in my life, in a bigger strokes, I just want peace and stability. I want zen and acceptance, I want to find my inner strength to stop thinking of other people, and for once take care of myself

[Notwendy]

As I mentioned in the previous reply, my life from 15-16 yo was a constant fight for survival. New culture, new language, new customs, mother who is acting out, or leaving me.


Mine was too, minus the new country. Economically - I don't think I was as worried about basic survival, but BPD mom's spending had gotten the family into debt and the emotional tension was evident.


Once uBPDh came into my life, the relationships began to shift into a better direction. As bad as it may sound, his abuse wasn’t as bad as the one she inflicted on me.

I didn't get married until much later. I can relate to the fact that my H has treated me much better than my mother did. Still, there were things I realized much later that were not kind or loving. It was all relative to what I was used to.


She seemed recovered

I had this illusion too. I was not living near my parents, and my father provided a lot of emotional/financial support for her. I realize now that there were issues, I just didn't see them.


Now, I’m sure not maliciously, she is manipulating me to act in a way that suits her needs.


Mine does that, I don't know if there is malicious intent or not, but she perceives me as a way to get her needs met. I remain grateful that my father provided for her.

I’ve already contacted family clinical psychologist, that worked with my family on number of issues, from son’s disability to d15 issues. I will have a sit down chat with him about “my needs and what I want”. Frankly, neither my mom (step dad is super hands on, supportive and leveled headed) not my unpdh are good for my mental health.

Yes! I had to arrive at this conclusion- it is hard to realize that the people closest to you are not behaving in ways that are good for you. Eventually we have to consider our own well being. We can still care about others but we have to take care of our own mental health.


So I’m going to leave her (my mom) where she is at, and have her sort out her issues.



Yes!  These are her issues.

It’s awe fullly “convenient” to throw a fit the night before my medical procedure, she knows I’m going under, she knows there will be pain, discomfort, yet, for either uBPDh or her it’s about them.



My mother tends to act up at times where people are not focused on her. She's acted up at graduations, other family events, if anyone isn't feeling well.


It’s all good, there is uber, uBPDh will have to get the kids from school, I’ll give instructions to d15 how to feed herself and her brother.

Yes, they can manage



At this stage in my life, in a bigger strokes, I just want peace and stability. I want zen and acceptance, I want to find my inner strength to stop thinking of other people, and for once take care of myself


Make copies of this! Keep one in your purse, in your car, in a book, on your phone. This is a statement of intent and affirmation. Read this whenever you are feeling afraid or losing your resolve, or triggered!