Harassment No Contact Order, Help please :(

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know if I'm in the right board, but here's my situation.

My now ex left me because I didn't get something for her from the grocery store. She accused me of lying about why I didn't get it and ended the relationship. I begged for her to understand why I wasn't able to get it. This part is my fault, but I kept calling and sending her messages, I eventually went and got what she asked for and left it at her house pleading for her understanding.

She threatened me with a no contact order. I didn't take her seriously. I received a letter but not from a court, from her that's I guess a restraining order. I'm definitely done trying to contact her. I'm done, but is this even legal? Can she just mail something herself? What is this game?

[Step3]

I don't know if I'm in the right board, but here's my situation.

My now ex left me because I didn't get something for her from the grocery store. She accused me of lying about why I didn't get it and ended the relationship. I begged for her to understand why I wasn't able to get it. This part is my fault, but I kept calling and sending her messages, I eventually went and got what she asked for and left it at her house pleading for her understanding.

She threatened me with a no contact order. I didn't take her seriously. I received a letter but not from a court, from her that's I guess a restraining order. I'm definitely done trying to contact her. I'm done, but is this even legal? Can she just mail something herself? What is this game?

[ForeverDad]

Typically protection or restraining orders are served upon the 'target' by a process server, sheriff's deputy or court official.  Does it claim to be an official form with county's identification and a long list of blanks filled out?  If not then it's her own solution.  You can show it to a sheriff's deputy or police officer and they should be able to confirm whether it is official or not.  Don't wonder, don't assume, find out for sure.

Regardless of its authenticity, you need to stay away from her and have no further contact of any sort with her.  Repeat, NONE.  Consider the relationship Ended.  Don't even send a polite Closure letter.  Even that could trigger her.  Sadly, you'll have to Gift yourself Closure.

If it is official, is it a warning only?  Or does it list a hearing date for the full matter to be heard in court?  If so then you MUST attend.  If you don't attend then her unopposed claim will be considered valid and who knows what would be ordered against you.  You have a right to defend yourself and your reputation.  As well, you have a right to be silent since you can't be ordered to incriminate yourself.

What if she later wants to get back together?  It would be safer to ask her to first write you another letter terminating the request in the prior letter.  Sorry but you can't risk her later claiming you kept contacting her and you not having proof she recanted her 'notice'.  However, knowing how she reacted before, odds are that if you did get back together she would sooner or later do it again... .and again.

Please let us know when you determine whether it is an official notice or not.

[Mutt]

Hi Step3,

Id listen to Foreverdad even if it’s a makeshift order on her part you can’t risk taking any chances don’t ask her go to the source even try calling a lawyer for a free consultation and ask them but the message is lound and clear she’s telling you stay way.

Do you have an update? It’s been a few days.

[livednlearned]

I'm definitely done trying to contact her.

If she reaches out to you in a month or two or three, how would you respond to her?

How do you usually patch things up after a break like this?

[Step3]

Thank you Mutt and Forever Dad for the advice.  Turns out the order was just made by her but I'm still staying away.  It's not legit.


A friend of hers told me she put a picture of her and I back up that she recently had face down in her living room. I don't know if that means she's going to contact me soon. Usually she gets rid of pictures of us.

Livednlearned- I'm not sure how I'd respond. I know I want to tell her that I need for this back and forth to stop. I want to be with her, I just want to figure out how to make things work. I get really defensive with her accusations. I'm faithful, I'm honest, I'm so committed to her. I miss her
The last time we worked on patching things up, we started couples counseling. We also just talk about how we want things to work and we ask each other how we can do that. It seemed to help up until I didn't buy her the gummy bunnies she wanted.

[ForeverDad]

Decision time is coming up.  It appears from your history that recycling you back is a pattern.  The difference is that this time it was much worse than any rejection before, she really had you believing it was a scary protection or restraining order.  Believe me, that's scary, I've faced such orders.

So... .what will you do?  Resume the relationship?  Be forewarned that if you do then the cycle will resume and you'll be rejected eventually, again and again.  The difference now is that you've come to realize it is getting worse now.  What will she do the next time?  Call the police?  Hurt herself and claim you did it?  Actually file for protection through the court?  In other words, where is your "red line in the sand"?

We have a saying around here that you should ponder... .
If it has been threatened or even just contemplated then it will happen, given enough time.

Sure, probably in a while she will want to get back together again.  For her she will view it as though nothing had happened.  The sheer scare she put into you will not matter to her.  The next time her emotions or moods are on a rampage, she will not blink twice to do this (or worse) again and again.  Can you survive, much less prosper, with a future like that?

A few visits with a counselor or therapist is not enough.  Would she get into meaningful therapy and actually stick with it indefinitely, for years?  Sadly, decision time is coming up.  Do you want her back, knowing that the poor behaviors typically get worse over time?

Another thought... .  My experience got worse, much worse, after I had a child with my then-spouse.  I thought she would get happier with a child discovering life.  Clueless me, instead she relived her abused childhood and fears though our little son.  By the time he was 3 years old she had driven away my relatives and all our friends.  I was left alone in her perception of "Mother and Son Against the World".  And as spouse I stood in her way.  Despite over a dozen years of marriage, she started viewing me as "probably an abuser" like all the others alienated.  Getting through the custody issues in unconcerned domestic court was a horrendous experience.  Two years for a divorce.  Another 6 years before I got an order that deflated her entitlement balloon.  Yes, it's manageable now, but I call those years my Lost Decade.

I can't predict what she will or won't do.  I can't predict whether or when she will act out worse than she already has.  But you see the pattern now and it's getting scarier now.  What I'm also saying is that having children with an acting-out disordered person is a recipe for disaster, and even worse, having children makes unwinding a failed relationship magnitudes more complicated.  Perhaps it may help you to view from the perspective that if you consider getting back with her then can you risk ever having children in the future?

I'm not sure how I'd respond. I know I want to tell her that I need for this back and forth to stop. I want to be with her, I just want to figure out how to make things work. I get really defensive with her accusations. I'm faithful, I'm honest, I'm so committed to her. I miss her

Pardon me that I responded so strongly.  Your heart is clearly leaning toward a reunion.  We understand, we've "been there, done that".  But your head needs to know what the long term risks are.  So far she hasn't gotten better, despite the sessions with the counselor.  You can't trust "hopes and wishes" alone for your future.  Remember, all it takes is one little trigger and Bam!  Please give your heart time to catch up with your head.

[Mutt]

So far she hasn't gotten better, despite the sessions with the counselor.  You can't trust "hopes and wishes" alone for your future

This is a common trap that a lot of us get stuck in thinking that the other person will change or hanging in there until things improve. BPD is a serious mental disorder. Think about your personality and how difficult it would be to change your personality if someone asked you. She might not even think that there’s anything wrong with her this could what she’s used to she can’t compare it with healthy mental health if she never had it.

Sometimes we go through the motions and grind it out hoping that things will change eventually the only thing that you can control is yourself you can control what you’re going to do next as Foreverdad she keeps pushing the envelope it’s not to be taken lightly that she made up a restraining order it gets really complicated once that you have kids together. Look at her last patterns and look at her actions they’ll show you what her intentions are or what she’s doing or not doing don’t listen to the words.

[Turkish]

The safest thing to do would be to work this out in front of a counselor (publicly, in other words), this specific incident. We can refer you to the Bettering Tools (Lesson 3 on that board), but her threat should be taken seriously. A real RO could mess up your life for a while.  I asked one of our senior members here whose wife got an RO (he already had one against her for DV), "so what does it take for someone to get a TRO?" He replied, "for someone to write well emotionally." He had evidence. She just described being "terrified." Different judge.

My ex was granted a TRO against her BIL (the brother of her current husband). No proof of anything, just her words.  He fled and was never successfully served.  Her husband ended up being arrested on the spot,  cuffed and "beaten" from what  she told me, and charged with resisting arrest.