Just trying to remain calm

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
I’m posting as I am trying to compose myself. I just grabbed my duaghter’s Phone- stupid me.
We’ve been waiting to see the endocrinologist since July and within minutes she painted the entire medical system black and said she’s tired of being invalidated by doctors. She said ‘turn off my phone - I don’t care- I’m not going’

I’ve taken the day off of work and have been worried about her physical well-being- thus the endocrinologist to rule out Cushing Syndrome.

Well wait... .she’s just come down the stairs in a better mood. Let me see if I can cut a deal with her.

Breathe in- thanks for being my sounding board
Breathe out- I am over the top anxious- I don’t want to lose my temper... .

Ok- She offered if I got Spotify- she’d go- so I said yes- once we
Get to the Drs office, Spotify will be available for a month.
She got upset and swore at me, ran up the stairs - back in bed.

What a yo-yo of an hour. I do still have her phone- should I keep it?


Daisy123

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

How stressful for you. So much anticipation and obvious let down.

I think it comes back to dealing with the crisis which is that she wont go to the endocrinologist.

If it were me, I probably wouldnt give back the phone. I would most likely ride out the storm and give it to her when she is calm on the proviso that you could have a calm conversation about the medical visit and what are the barriers for getting her there. 

At the end of the day its about finding a way to get her buy in about going.

If this cant happen, we cant change them, only how we are around them.

I wish you well Daisy123.  Let us know how you go.

Thinking of you.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

How did it turn out, Daisy?

[Only Human]

Hello Daisy123 

I'm here to say I've read your post and that, even though I don't have any words of wisdom, I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok.

I especially like how you were open to cutting a deal with her and that you thought to hold off on getting spotify until after the visit with the Dr.

~ OH

[Daisy123]

Hi folks-
DD didn’t make it to Dr. She stayed in bed for two full days stating that she was done. I just gave back her phone when she’s risen from bed yesterday afternoon and agreed to get out of the house for a trip to Walgreens- our pharmacy. I have talked with her about what had happened and she says she feels stupid and should have gone to Dr.

It takes so much energy to read the subtext behind her behavior. I was in no place to do that on Thursday- that’s why it was so helpful to post rather than react to her refusal.

Later, when putting the pieces together. I knew she was frustrated at being invalidated by a ‘male dr’. And perhaps - she might be afraid of what’s really going on with her health. The Drs appt coincides or collided with BF huge 2 day fight, first day of her monthly visit - along with all that emotional baggage of just getting out of the house. She seems like she’s becoming more house bound... .so I’m hoping she makes it to the one in February.

She did agree that she felt very ‘borderline’ as she put it and agreed that she needs to add DBT to her treatment. She sees a therapist weekly (when she makes it). Fingers crossed ! Focus set- priority- just get her to buy in - thanks HB!

Only human, thanks for the kind words of support. I was so close to losing it with her- and instead- I just posted.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Daisy123,

You're doing such a good job with her. You're amazing. I wish I could be as patient as you are. Hang in there, you're an inspiration!

[bluek9]

Hey Daisy123,

  Just wanted to tell you I've done some of that "stupid me" stuff too. But man, sometimes my brain just reacts, then I'm stuck later thinking why did I do that.

  My D also is in the process of becoming house bound. I hate it, she won't go any where. I have to force her to go out to appointments with me. Once she has done that she goes to bed for the rest of the day. You do more than I would, I won't bargan with my D either she accepts my view or we separate.

[Only Human]

Thanks for the update, Daisy123.

It sounds like your daughter has some insight, so great! She recognized that she was "very borderline," and shared that with you, she trusts you with this information. That says a lot about your relationship with her and your ability to validate her.

I was so close to losing it with her- and instead- I just posted.

  I applaud this clear thinking and am so glad you posted! 

Take good care,

~ OH

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Thanks for all of the support.

Posting instead of going into a rage feels so much better.

OH- I only hope DD can follow through and get to a DBT therapist/ group.

B9- It’s heartbreaking watching DD recede into the shadows of her room.  How’s your D’s med change going? DD20 has much more zip in her speech and now seems to have the opposite problem of insomnia.

The soonest we can get her in to see the endocrinologist is February 7th. Fingers crossed that she makes it to next Monday therapy and Thursday psychiatrist.

Again- I so appreciate your support.

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

Gee, how infuriating for you, high five for posting  instead of losing it , do you see a pattern to her avoidance, she avoided going back to treatment to focus on physical, now avoiding physical and offering DBT. Not unusual, just commenting appears like when she resists she moves on to something else … is their a pattern, does that sound right, I may barking up the wrong tree here.

You are likely right she maybe scared of the results, later when feeling relieved she's able to acknowledge she was stupid not to go and should have, it's great that you're able to get her to talk with you, you sound very close Daisy. Worth remembering this for February appointment if her fear or whatever it is perhaps pushes her to leg it, how can that be managed, worked through ahead of the appointment so perhaps she can sit with and accept the discomfort of her feelings and know that they will pass.

Is BF back in the house?

You are doing great Daisy, hang in there. 

[Lollypop]

Hi Daisy

she might be afraid of what’s really going on with her health.

Hit it in one!

My son was so very fearful of all things, a strong aversion and mistrust of Doctors and all things professional.  

The fears that there may be something even more wrong above and beyond BPD must feel completely overwhelming. When confronted with an almost impossible situation, it can feel completely hopeless and then helplessness falls in.

I think the fact your daughter missed her appointment and now she regrets it is a very important lesson she’s learned. I know it was an important appointment and it’s deeply frustrating to now have to wait. Looking on the positive there’s time now to reflect and prepare for it.

You really are doing marvellously and your daughter (with her sharing) is proof that you’re getting things right.

It’s a matter of priorities Daisy. I can’t say what yours are. For me, relationship came first - always, even if that meant that other important things had to be put to one side awhile.

It’s a long game made up of tiny steps.  Eventually, your daughter will make decisions about her own health a little more wisely. She needs to learn how to do this through making mistakes. That’s how we learn.

Hugs

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders