New Member: Wife just got a BPD diagnosis

[PeacePlease88]

This is my first post, and I have found it very difficult to provide anywhere near the appropriate level of detail regarding my relationship with my wife. However, this has been truly cathartic and i thank you all for reading.

I have been married to my wife for two years now, we have been together for nearly five years. We are the same age (now 30) By way of backstory- my wife and I have known each other since high school. I always had strong feelings for her back in the day, but eventually we both moved away from home. We had a rekindling in our college years- we talked for hours and hours using Facebook messenger, like all day every day. There was an immediate rush of old feelings on my end, and she started visiting me at school and back home. We would laugh so hard, we would have so much fun just being together. I remember telling her near the end of that period I could not stand to be "just friends". During that time- to be clear there were "hook-ups", but the distance always proved to be too much for her. We resigned ourselves to irregular contact and we both dated other people.

Flash forward to 2012- My wife was in a horrible car/pedestrian accident, which brought her back home to our hometown for rehab/recovery. She suffered severe injuries and endured numerous surgeries. During this time she had many experiences that could be described as real and/or imagined abandonment- friends stopped calling/ visiting, many relatives did the same. I tried really hard to be a "light that never goes out" for her during that time.

The year after her accident was the year that our romance truly began. I was her bright spot in a chaotic new life, and we had so much fun- through her pain we laughed like old times. We watched movies, we talked for hours, we were not sexual until quite a ways into her recovery- because we both agreed she should be sure that a relationship of that sort was something she truly wanted, and not just a comfort thing, given the situation.

We began living together-about one year after we started dating. We rented a small house, which we both paid for equally. I was finishing law school and working at the time, and she was using funds from her accident settlement to subsidize our lifestyle.

From the outset, I always knew that my wife was passionate- she speaks her mind and she is very intelligent, bold, and funny. She really listens to people, and generally has a way about her that people either gravitate towards or pull away from her. I love to talk and so does she. However, I also knew that my wife experienced many issues in her lifetime that I have not and that these remain "unresolved": When she was 3 years old, her father passed away in a drunk driving accident (he was drunk). He left behind his wife and 7 children (!), including my wife.

My wife has many issues with her immediate family. I believe, in the absence of her husband, my wife's mother took a utilitarian approach to raising her 7 kids. The ones that needed her the most got the most attention- like a medic in the field. My wife, deemed more independent than some of the lot, often lost out on her mother's attention to her youngest sister (who is 14 months younger than my wife). The result of the "core trauma" of my father in laws passing= a real mixed bag. Two of my wife's siblings are drug addicts, others have substance abuse issues attributable to childhood difficulties.

My wife and I had a daughter together a year ago. I cant necessarily confirm it to be the case, but that seems to be a turning point for me.

I have noticed patterns in my wife's behavior before- and I had found some information on BPD that led me to believe that was what was going on. However, after a recent fight with her mother, she finally saw a counselor who confirmed the diagnosis. Since then i have been learning all I can about the illness. I still struggle to accept it. But, I need help and I am happy I found this message board. I have a lot more to say and I probably should find a counselor who understands BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[schwing]

Hi PeacePlease88 and

Since then i have been learning all I can about the illness. I still struggle to accept it. But, I need help and I am happy I found this message board. I have a lot more to say and I probably should find a counselor who understands BPD.

When I first learned about this disorder, I could only accept some parts of this disordered that applied to my BPD loved one.  Maybe it was because I didn't understand some of the aspects of this disorder.  But maybe because it takes time to accept an idea that runs counter to what you've believed for some time already.

My advice is only "bite" as much as you can "chew," but keep biting.  And don't deny yourself any support you can afford/muster.

... .However, I also knew that my wife experienced many issues in her lifetime that I have not and that these remain "unresolved": When she was 3 years old, her father passed away in a drunk driving accident (he was drunk). He left behind his wife and 7 children (!), including my wife.

... .My wife, deemed more independent than some of the lot, often lost out on her mother's attention to her youngest sister (who is 14 months younger than my wife). The result of the "core trauma" of my father in laws passing= a real mixed bag. Two of my wife's siblings are drug addicts, others have substance abuse issues attributable to childhood difficulties.

I think when you are trying to improve an ongoing relationship with someone with BPD, it's helpful to de-personalize as much of their (offending) behavior as possible.  The truth is, your BPD loved one is going to exhibit behavior that is going to hurt you, perhaps deeply.  (And so this is one reason to get external support for yourself.)  Understanding (and accepting) that part of her behavior is driven by her disorder might limit the chance that this behavior ends up escalating your conflicts.

You brought up a couple of observations about your wife's history.  Here's how I might relate those observations to behavior she is probably exhibiting:

Having an "unresolved" loss of a parental figure early in her life could be the source of a strong "fear of (imagined) abandonment."  Everyone should be afraid of abandonment; no one wants to be abandoned.  However, for people with BPD (pwBPD), they will perceive possible (imagined) abandonment even when there is no hint of it happening, even if you try your darnedest to convince them that you are fully committed.

"Resolving" this fear of abandonment will not be a small task for anyone with BPD, and there is no chance of resolving (or recovery) when the pwBPD is not committed to recovering.  So, you may have to accept that this is a quality that you will need to live with.

The other observation you brought you, that your wife comes from a family where the kids that have the most difficulty end up getting the most parental attention.  Well, this might translate to your wife possibly acting out in self destructive ways whenever she perceives that she is either not getting enough attention or perceiving her "fear of (imagined) abandonment."

Maybe some of this applies to your wife.  But maybe it doesn't.

In any case, you're in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PeacePlease-  (please forgive the length of this response)

I’d like to welcome you to our community and I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion that brought you here.  I want to strongly encourage you to stay with us and post as much as you can... .it’s all anonymous.  And don’t tell your dear W that your doing this.

Your objective here is to obtain support, with people who understand pretty directly what you’re experiencing; and to learn through the tools that are available on this site.  It is also very beneficial, when you’re ready, to read and respond to the posts of other members here.  You may likely see some things that closely reflect your own experiences.

I’d like you to step back from the “BPD diagnosis” for a moment and not be too freaked out by that.  I get that it’s a big hit, but try not to let that in and of itself overwhelm you.  You do KNOW your W... .and you’ve known her for years.  The diagnosis simply provides an explanation of sorts, and rather than the BPD in total, I’ve found it’s more manageable to look at each of the applicable traits, and try to understand those over time.

Has your W disclosed the diagnosis to you directly, or did you learn of the BPD diagnosis from someone else?  What was it about your wife’s argument/ fight with her mom that prompted your W to see a counselor That resulted in the BPD diagnosis?  How did your W respond to the diagnosis-and what steps does she intend to take toward healing / recovery?

Now for you and your relationship.  First, congratulations on the birth of your baby.  You stated that the birth of your daughter seemed to be a turning point for you.  Can you please explain what you mean by that?

You provided a good timeline of your relationship.  I believe you are a loving, compassionate and very strong man.  You rightly recognize certain “core” fears of abandonment that your W may have.  And you also state that during your W’s long recovery from the terrible accident that people DID disappear from her life.  So her fears are not wholly unjustified, even as an adult... .not to mention the death of her dad as a small child.

I agree with Schwing’s assessment that your W may believe (through a child’s eyes) that “misbehaving” will gain attention from you (and/or others who are important in her life).  Can you please provide some detail on your relationship and her behavior so we can step up and point you in the direction of which tools to pursue first.  This will also help us understand the dynamics of your relationship.

As I mentioned above, there are so many helpful tools on this site to de-escalate confrontations between us and our pwBPD, great communication tools (nearly like learning a new language); however with practice, these become second nature.

Please look to the right side.  I would begin with learning NOT to JADE... .Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  And then read about FOG.-Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Very good places to begin.

Obtaining a Therapist for yourself is a great idea.  It is vital that you gather up your support network, and not allow yourself to become isolated.  You do NOT need to share intimate details of your marital difficulties with friends, but keeping those relationships alive is important for your self esteem.  Self-care is imperative.

My friend - we are here for you, and we understand.  Again, please share anything you want to share... .and stay with us.  We know that none of this is easy. 

From your screen name, I gather that you’re needing some quiet time.  When you learn about establishing boundaries (and THIS may actually be the starting point for you?), this may be the first boundary you impose.  We can talk about that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[livednlearned]

Can you give an example of one of the most challenging behaviors you're dealing with?

Does she have periods where she seems to be more or less emotionally regulated and calm?