I need guidance and help

[flyguy]

So... .my family is coming into town to visit tomorrow and my wife has completely flown off the handle. I am beginning to see a pattern that she is triggered anytime we are about to receive company (especially my family). These blowups and rage episodes have taken place the last 3 times my family has arrived.

To give a bit of background... .she has been repeatedly calling me lazy the past few days due to an increased workload she’s had on her job. I called her out on it this morning and she literally flew off the handle. Keep in mind, she has a history of leaving me for days or weeks whenever she is in this state of mind. To protect my vehicle and money, I took the keys and credit cards out of her purse. After I did this, she physically attacked me and I had to leave the house.

Before I left, she called her father begging him to come and get her. I literally had to push her off of me and now she is calling me the abusive one. She told her Dad that I am abusive and that she is afraid for her life (ridiculous). I’ll also add that he is her “favorite” person whom I’ve never heard her say a negative word about. She is always fond of saying “My Dad would never talk to me like that.” I’m not sure if this is the root of our problems.

I had to leave my home for my own safety and now I am debating as to whether I should stay in a hotel tonight. I am at my wits end and do not want a divorce, but these situations are becoming worse. What would you do were you in my situation?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Can you give us a little more detail about the situation?  Is your family staying at your house?  How far are they traveling from?  By car or plane? 

What does she do when she physically attacks you?  Can you describe her worst attack in detail?

There are things we can do to reduce the level of conflict.  One is to avoid the urge to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  When you "set her straight" about you not being lazy, it likely inflamed the situation.

It's quite common for our pwBPD to become upset and difficult before visitors arrive at the home, particularly our FOO.  The most successful path often involves getting ahead of the problem, with increased validation and support for our pwBPD in the days leading up to the visit.

Your overall situation is a tough one, and won't turn around quickly, but we can absolutely help with that.  The key to responding effectively and improving things is to figure out which of your behaviors are helping and which are making things worse.  That will take time.

Between now and tomorrow, avoid JADE at all costs.  See if you can validate her a bit, saying you understand how stressful it can be to have visitors.  Are there things you can do to make the visit less stressful for her?  Can you offer to take them out to dinner on the first night and give her a break?  Can you go shopping to buy groceries for them?  You'll have better specific ideas than I can offer, but you get the general idea -- it's stressful for any woman to have in-laws headed for her home, let alone for someone with BPD.  What can you do to help?

RC

p.s.  About taking things out of her purse... .Can you tell us a bit about how taking the credit cards protected you, and how taking the keys protected you?  (I'm not challenging, just asking to get better understanding before offering my thoughts.)