How do I get past this love mixed with anger and fear?

[Depression = 72% of members]

LoveontheRocks,

Thank you for your words, again. That line, sometimes love just isn't enough, is so true. One of my sons has brain damage due to his birth mother's drug and alcohol abuse. I love him with everything I have, he's smart and funny and loving and wonderful, but he keeps making so many bad choices. I raised him with love and commitment and all the things I raised my other kids with. But it wasn't enough. His brain can not process some things, he can't learn from his mistakes, at least not until it's happened repeatedly for years. So it's interesting to apply that to BPD traits. I hadn't thought of that before.

It still hurts though. I'm in the lost period I guess, grieving. I still partly believe my husband could somehow change. I know he can't, or if he can, it will take so many years. I'm old now, and sick, and just can't spend the rest of my life being abused. I hope I can regain some of my health, but I don't think that's likely. And being bedbound makes it unlikely I will meet someone new.

Did you have a lot of anger to cope with? I'm just now starting to feel angry at what he did to me, the lies, the smear campaigns, the financial and verbal and emotional abuse. I was so focussed on trying to help him, I lost myself, I guess. And his counselors didn't help, they kept telling me he would get better, after one more class, or one more treatment.  How do you deal with the anger?

[H2H]

LoveontheRocks,

Thank you for your words, again. That line, sometimes love just isn't enough, is so true. One of my sons has brain damage due to his birth mother's drug and alcohol abuse. I love him with everything I have, he's smart and funny and loving and wonderful, but he keeps making so many bad choices. I raised him with love and commitment and all the things I raised my other kids with. But it wasn't enough. His brain can not process some things, he can't learn from his mistakes, at least not until it's happened repeatedly for years. So it's interesting to apply that to BPD traits. I hadn't thought of that before.

It still hurts though. I'm in the lost period I guess, grieving. I still partly believe my husband could somehow change. I know he can't, or if he can, it will take so many years. I'm old now, and sick, and just can't spend the rest of my life being abused. I hope I can regain some of my health, but I don't think that's likely. And being bedbound makes it unlikely I will meet someone new.

Did you have a lot of anger to cope with? I'm just now starting to feel angry at what he did to me, the lies, the smear campaigns, the financial and verbal and emotional abuse. I was so focussed on trying to help him, I lost myself, I guess. And his counselors didn't help, they kept telling me he would get better, after one more class, or one more treatment.  How do you deal with the anger?

[H2H]

Cromwell,

This fits me so well (sorry, don't know how to quote properly yet):

"I never knew her as much as I thought I did and this gave way to dissappointment mixed with a lot of what you are going through now; new revelations, anger mixed up together still holding on to those original feelings of love for a person that you hoped things would have been different with."

How do I get through this? I don't think I could have done anything differently, I know I wasn't perfect, never have been,  I do know I gave the marriage all I had. But how do I get past this love mixed with anger? And fear? I'm on my own now, disabled, finances are very tight. How do I survive all this?

[Cromwell]

Hi H2H

I felt the same as you describe, ie, I didnt even acknowledge that I was angry, or saw no point in expressing it, yet it is real, and it is pent up, repressed and carried. what was layered over it? A lot of love notions and hopes, dreams and other forms of preferred thinking. I remember on this board saying that "actually, my relationship was good overall, hardly the fights, we actually got on well and had good times despite the here and there problems"

Thats because I learned to walk on eggshells so well and also tune out to all the negativity, not express true feelings, because if I had - it wouldnt have been a relationship that would have lasted years, more like - weeks.

but it did take a lot of reflection, soul searching to realise it - such is the self-programming that can occur during the r/s. I only managed to piece it all together after going no contact and getting time to think but crucially, the idea of ever being together again being totally evaporated. Once that was gone, there was no reason to repress, or walk on eggshells, pander to her needs - she was gone and there was no going back.

thats when I started to feel angry about how I was treated, yet as you experience too - still having feelings of love that carried through. eventually they both unravelled themselves and I got an unfiltered big picture. emotionally - it took a lot of time and soul searching.

As for fear, it is the most crippling of emotion out there and is rooted I believe in anxiety and worry. Once my ex was gone, i found myself also in a state of ill health, physically, mentally, my finances and career were impacted. I got back on my feet only by day by day action steps; doing everything possible, but the crux of what helped the most was to reframe towards "number 1" - basically building up self esteem again to become strong enough to deal with the day to day issues of modern life, and prepare for the future - with no regard at all about the issues of my ex, who I had poured so much concern, worry and energy into for so long.

I think the fact I had to struggle through all this alone from the ground up, without her help, also cemented in my mind how one-sided the relationship and the 'love' went. I guess I had that hunch all along but it was repressed too. So much for love, I could have ended up really ill, destitute or worse - what would she have done? Asides from being the prime source of grinding me down to that stage in the first place, I had to acknowledge the painful truth that life was infinitely better off without her and her 'love'.

once that was put to one side and dealt with, I dealt solely with the anger element on its own. Thereafter, got myself my life back and it is pointless to even be angry about it anymore, its in the past, its the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one.

I hope any of this might give comfort or insight in the difficult time you are in, I think the fundamental thing is beware of conflicting emotions such as anger mixed with love, try to untangle them but most importantly express them and let them manifest, rather than numb them out. A therapist and/or people here are able to give more objective view of it than we can as being so emotionally involved.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

LoveontheRocks,

Thank you for your words, again. That line, sometimes love just isn't enough, is so true. One of my sons has brain damage due to his birth mother's drug and alcohol abuse. I love him with everything I have, he's smart and funny and loving and wonderful, but he keeps making so many bad choices. I raised him with love and commitment and all the things I raised my other kids with. But it wasn't enough. His brain can not process some things, he can't learn from his mistakes, at least not until it's happened repeatedly for years. So it's interesting to apply that to BPD traits. I hadn't thought of that before.

It still hurts though. I'm in the lost period I guess, grieving. I still partly believe my husband could somehow change. I know he can't, or if he can, it will take so many years. I'm old now, and sick, and just can't spend the rest of my life being abused. I hope I can regain some of my health, but I don't think that's likely. And being bedbound makes it unlikely I will meet someone new.

Did you have a lot of anger to cope with? I'm just now starting to feel angry at what he did to me, the lies, the smear campaigns, the financial and verbal and emotional abuse. I was so focussed on trying to help him, I lost myself, I guess. And his counselors didn't help, they kept telling me he would get better, after one more class, or one more treatment.  How do you deal with the anger?

Honestly, H2H, I was being physically abused, and he damaged me for life with his rages, so yes, I have had to deal with a lot of anger and several attempts at forgiveness until I was able to actually forgive and let it go.  First, for me, was just resolving to stop trying to communicate with a human being whose brain was set at 12:15 on a clock when mine and most around me had brains set at 12:00... .that is how I took the first step.  Back when this happened, I didn't know about BPD, didn't know that was at least one of his problems (I do now without a shadow of a doubt)... .back when I left my ex, if there was one thing I understood, it was that his brain didn't process guilty conscious and hurting the ones he loved... .he would take and hurt and do and then be utterly shocked that I took offense to it.  When my reaction was to want out, he would flip and go mad... .Enough about him, actually it was TOO MUCH about him... .lets talk about me again, .
I did a lot of damage to me thinking all of this stuff... .I can help him see what he's doing, I know deep down he loves me, I love him so much and ... .my word the reasons for not standing by good boundaries and strong red lines... .
By the time I left this man, it took me 3 years to be able to date.  I could not be alone with a man without shaking like a leaf on a tree... .I didn't want to be like this, but certainly damage to me had been done in so many ways, and some of that stuff took a lot of time to heal from.  Don't get me wrong, I was back at life soon and glowed like a full moon... .I mean, I wasn't being tormented anymore... .why wouldn't I spring back to life.  I remember attracting some amazing people to myself after I left my UBPDX... .a psychiatrist who was absolutely attracted to my full of life attitude and disposition... .a cardiac doctor... .LOL... .you know, looking back, it's crazy, honestly, that some of the best catches that could have been in my life were at a time when I was unable to be alone with them without having to work through fear issues, as a result of being battered and abused by my uBPDx... .but just standing up for myself and refusing the abuse anymore... .it did something with me and made me come back to life so full that others were drawn to me.

Back to the clock.  In the early days after leaving my uBPDx, I remember grieving on my own... .there was NO WAY I could process this with my x... .call him up, work towards closure... .any of that... .it took a WHOLE LOT to even get him to stop stalking me and just let me go, as I wished... .so NO CONTACT at all... .I had to do this on my own.  I decided and it happened... .then, I had to deal with so many emotions.  I remember sitting in my bedroom looking above the door jam and imagining a clock and reminding myself that absolutely nothing could be done about the fact that he saw 1215 when I saw 1200... .nothing... .it was a tried and true (8 years worth!) reality.  Yes, I admitted to myself, I was feeling a serious loss, because this man was the best lover and friend when he was able to be that... .but I had to face the damage he had caused and protect myself from more damage. I also had to agree with myself that during the 8 years with him there had been no stability and there would not be any ... .ever... .his brain worked how it worked, and at the end of the day,  I was unable to work with it.

Anger... .absolutely there was anger, but we all know the stages of grieving a loss process and anger is something that happens, nomatter what... .(if you aren't familiar with these, I think they are denial, anger, grief, acceptance?... .but google will know better than me!).  Working through anger is best done (if able) in a gym, or running or on a treadmill or rowing machine... .something that involves headphones, a ticked off song, lots of thoughts and controlled breathing, ... .this is how I did it... .and to boot, I ended up with my best body ever, ... .That said, if you can't work out your anger physically, journaling is also really good for me... .and when I succinctly state the facts and then even a few days later look at them on paper, I get really pissed at what that person did to me and it reinforces my will that they go wherever they are going as long as I dont have to be there with them... .the miserable moronic at times souls!... .(see what I mean? ... .I really dont like to be mistreated!).

You know, I am a Christian (not relevant but only to make a point)... .So, I was really surprised when someone pointed out to me that even Christ was filled with righteous anger all throughout the bible... .I mean, He never sinned while on this earth, and yet the bible shows numerous occasions where He was really angry... .tossing tables around and on and on... .So... .it drove home something to me in my own faith... .be angry, but do not sin... .so, turns out... .anger is actually appropriate at given times... .just dont sin in my anger... .AH HAH... .Clearly this means it's ok that I am angry, it's an acceptable and even appropriate emotion and so there is no need for me to feel bad about being super duper ticked the hell off... .well alright then!  GOOD TO KNOW!

H2H, I am only speaking from my experiences and perspectives and hope that any part of what I thought and have shared here has helped you to make peace with your own anger.  It's a healthy emotion, actually... .and not going to linger too long... .as a matter of fact, it is a fact you will even get bored with that emotion and decide within yourself to move on.  It takes a lot of energy (necessary energy, tho)... .but you just get to a place where you want a new emotion to dominate, and believe me, one will... .but in the meantime, be at peace with your anger... .it's real, its deserved and has been earned by someone else... .and you know, as long as you don't turn their car upside down and shake them out of it... .its good, especially if it helps you to move from a place where you don't like being to a place you'de prefer to be at the end of the day.
All the best, H2H  LoTR

       

[H2H]

Thanks, to both of you. It helps so much to be understood and to know other people have survived this. I hope I will too. I hope this makes sense, I'm pretty mentally wiped today.

I don't think I will ever regain my health. That scares me. I'm totally dependent on others for food, laundry, shopping, cooking. I can feed and dress myself but that's about it. Every time H gets upset, or feels guilty, or I ask him to do something he's promised to do for months (there are some financial and legal things I can't do for him), he gets angry at me. Every time he gets angry, even though he lives in another city, I get scared and I get sicker.

I can see how one-sided things are, and have been for the past several years. I haven't untangled my feelings from the good years yet. I know, more processing. It's just hard for me to believe he can be so bad to me. I have trouble reconciling the 30+ years of good memories, the years he was supportive, my best friend,  the one I trusted most in the world, with the betrayal and anger he's shown me the past several years. I knew things were messed up, but it’s only a few months that I’ve known the true extent of the financial destruction, and I never even suspected the existence of the smear campaign until a couple of months back. I have trouble understanding how any human being could turn on the person who loved them. I know in my head that I'll never understand it really, he's messed up and doesn't play by the same rules most people do. My heart is taking longer to get it.

I’m also Christian, and one thing that has really been hard for me lately is I’m afraid of God. God’s never been anything but love to me, no matter how angry or sad or scared I was. Now I’m afraid to talk to God even. Maybe it has something to do with the betrayal I’m processing now. If the one person I trusted most in my life can betray me, maybe God will too. Or maybe I’m afraid of letting my anger out, because H was so much worse when I got angry at him.  It makes no sense,  I don’t believe God has any trouble accepting honest feelings, but it’s what I feel. It doesn’t help that many of the people at church have believed H’s lies about me, and I’ve been cold shouldered by some when I try to reach out. It’s hard to give my side when he’s had years to suggest I’m a bad person and I’ve been stuck in bed, unable to talk to anybody.

Part of my problem with my feelings is that I have to balance my physical energy and my emotional needs. I’m not always good at that. If I get too scared, too angry, too upset, it sets me back for days physically. Even journaling or replying to posts is too much for me many days. But I know I have to deal with my feelings, or they’ll just sit there, stressing me out and making me sicker that way. I know I need to find a way to let my anger out. I’m just so scared. I don’t know if I’m walking on eggshells.  I know when he lived here I never once let him rage at me or say something unkind or inaccurate without challenging him. That’s part of why I’m so sick now, it took so much energy to defend myself and the one young adult child that he hated.

Maybe that was my way of walking on eggshells, believing somehow I could reach him, make him stop, by force of will and honesty.

I guess I’m just surprised by how much this has affected me. I feel devastated. I used to think I was strong. That’s what let me fight him when he was raging. Now I know I’m not, I‘m trashed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

[Cromwell]

I have trouble reconciling the 30+ years of good memories, the years he was supportive, my best friend,  the one I trusted most in the world, with the betrayal and anger he's shown me the past several years. I knew things were messed up, but it’s only a few months that I’ve known the true extent of the financial destruction, and I never even suspected the existence of the smear campaign until a couple of months back.

Hi H2H

These feelings of betrayal I can relate to, however what interests me is to ask you about this change in behaviour. You were together for a long time and is it these last years where he changed out of character, or was he like this throughout?

Im trying hard not to speculate but at the same time offer up the possibility that maybe his behavioural change is a result of something that could be linked to other health issues affecting mental state.

For instance, it is only after a long period that has spanned a year, post relationship, that I started to look beyond BPD and there is a high indication that my ex suffered a depressive illness, which can explain a range of behaviour. At least, I have found another avenue to give some credit to, that her behaviours was linked via mood imbalances. This is just one example I could go on; her drug and alcohol addictions, her family dynamics. The point is, I overlooked the inter-relating factors and focused so long on BPD, her and her relationship and negative behaviour to me. It made it hurtful because it was narrow in scope and personalised. I understand the emotional grief and i can relate to how heavy it feels at this moment in time, id like to cast back to my going through that same period - it was hard to think clearly or find answers when in that state of mind, only through time that slowly but surely new parts of the puzzle started to emerge. I was desperate to find answers, sometimes obssessive, as a perceived way to justifying what had happened - but in the end, still today, the conclusion so far is that much cannot and will never be answered definitivly - yet, the difference is that I found acceptance in this itself. Acceptance just like it took time for you to uncover the smear campaign you were unaware of, there is so much that is either hidden and far more complex than appears on the surface. I will never know, and there is a good chance that much of her behaviour, she wouldnt be able to even explain the underlying reasons for herself, deep rooted issues from the past combined with many dynamics in the present, mixed together that resulted in the outcome experienced.

If the one person I trusted most in my life can betray me, maybe God will too. Or maybe I’m afraid of letting my anger out, because H was so much worse when I got angry at him. 

This lack of being able to express anger at a time it should have been is why I believe I became so unwell. What it helped me to reflect on afterwards is that it was not the love I had been looking for, there was also not a true genuine emotional intimacy, based on the fact that my partner never got to see my true self and feelings, because i also felt unsafe to express them through fear of it escalating. I had appeased and pandered to her needs whilst side lining my own at the same time. This support group became the safe place to do so and my advice is to allow yourself the opportunity to unburden yourself whenever you feel ready. Trust is critical and after a betrayal can be extremely difficult to find again, Im glad I managed to share that burden I carried it was a vital part of my recovery.

Part of my problem with my feelings is that I have to balance my physical energy and my emotional needs. I’m not always good at that. If I get too scared, too angry, too upset, it sets me back for days physically. Even journaling or replying to posts is too much for me many days. But I know I have to deal with my feelings, or they’ll just sit there, stressing me out and making me sicker that way.

 I‘m trashed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

The only thing that kept my energy going was the adrenaline of being conditioned to start to see that lifestyle as normal. What happened is that it worked to begin with, but behind the scenes it took its toil, cumulatively, until I had no option but to remove myself because I realised I was reaching my limitations of what I could cope with. I didnt leave her because I felt I didnt love her anymore, but on reflection, this was the most significant milestone I had reached; I was finally taking charge of my own needs. I no longer had to walk on eggshells or anticipate problems, id removed myself from the source of antagonism. The way you describe now was actually long-overdue; this was rest and recovery time that was never allowed to happen before, but was desperately needed. Im otherwise a fit, healthy person, there was no underlying condition that I should have felt that way, yet the mind and body are interlinked and it was not apparent to me that the result of it i was very depressed but couldnt recognise it even; the lack of energy, the sleep deprivation, the fatalistic feelings, the heightened lack of trust not just towards my ex, but to humans in general. It took a long time to bounce back from this, if I could go back in time I would have reached out for more help. I know that it is very difficult for you H2H but at the same time, you are not only strong for reaching out at this difficult time - your experience is helping others who have been through those times and those who are going through them with you. It was a challenging day for me andI recalled your post and others, it gave me the strength to carry on through and make changes that in the past, I would have been reluctant to. You will find compassion and understanding here even in the midst of feeling alienated from those that your husband has now isolated you from as sources of friendship or support.

Your last word "spiritually" means so much to me, id like to share that it felt as if all hope had been lost that id ever find a way out of the dilemma I was in, it wasnt physical or mental strength - they were both at their lowest ever, I clung on to a shred of hope that id find a way through this, but it was enough to start the process of getting everything else moving forward. It was a long process, nothing changed radically overnight but as an atheist, I appealed even for divine intervention to guide me out of the turmoil. Hold on to it H2H, as you said - it hasnt let you down for so long in your life, it has been tried and tested, this is a rut, but at the same time it is also an opportunity to grow, overcome and one day look back on - it feels this way now, it wont always be like this.

[Mutt]

I have trouble understanding how any human being could turn on the person who loved them. I know in my head that I'll never understand it really, he's messed up and doesn't play by the same rules most people do. My heart is taking longer to get it.

Im sorry that you’re going through this H2H. I can relate with how painful it is when the person that you cared a lot about ( they cared a lot about you too once ) splits you black it feels like someone turned off a light switch and the person that you once knew is gone.

Id suggest to read as much as you can about BPD the person that you met in the last several years is both your H and this person. You can learn to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them s owBPD behave the way that they do for a reason and it’s not personal to us.

Ill touch on God a little bit Im non practicing but I had to turn to a higher power for this experience understand that not everyone in your life is going to treat you the way that your H did and if that’s true then you could say the same thing about god. I’ve always thought of god as love and I think that love can overcome this Im not talking about loving your pwBPD I’m talking about self love, I felt worried too that I’ll never get back to the strong person that I was maybe you’ll get surprised at how you’ll return to being that same strong person or stronger than the person that you were. Take really good care of yourself H2H

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi H2H:  I remember, just reading your post, how exhausted I was, and how it took me so long to recover... .I've even said as much here.  It took lots of time... .and I could only process so much at any given moment on any given day, and I got ok with that.  I would sit on that bed and look above that doorframe and see that clock in  my head that I put there... .and I would just let honesty and truth come to me in the increments I was able to deal with... .day after day.  It hurt me to my core that I gave so much power to another person and allowed them to bring me to that low, low, low place... .and accepting responsibility for those actions as well as working on the strength to move ahead in light of the facts of who he was, what he did, what I allowed and what it did to me... .all of it... .take your time H2H.

God... .the prodigal child.  Those of us who are Christian know the story... .so, even at worst, we are always welcome back to Him without needing worry that He won't embrace us.  I know for me, I have crisis in my life and I am angry and unable to really interact with Him, not understanding why He allowed things, but as time has gone on, I can see that He was there all through, and these special times are about my growth.  Separating what He allowed in my life versus what I allowed... .has been painful for me... .and difficult.  He'll be ok while you check out... .and He'll be there when you choose to check in... .and even inbetween, you may see Him in spite of you... .that's what I would say with respect to my own growth in my faith with Christ.

Thank you for continuing to talk and share and get these things out.  Its useful to you and has even been useful to me, too.  I appreciate the feedback you are getting even to my own edification.  I used to have a therapist who accused me for literally YEARS of pressing things down into myself (emotions and anger and so forth).  I would go into therapy fuming about someone who cut me off out of a parking spot two days ago.  My therapist would say, so what did you do or say when it happened and I would reply nothing or flipped them off and he would say... .and yet, now two days you've been brewing with this... .So, over time, I got better at "working on todays issues in the moment"... .so that I was no longer angry about things that happened way back or three days ago.  Sometimes there isn't anything that can be done about what happened, so I need to journal and vent to friends or whatever, until I am able to move on.  Alternately, there are times, today, when something doesn't sit well with me and it is my bound and solemn duty to myself to speak up and out and let it be known that I will not accept an unacceptable thing.  I mention this because I am at my best health when I take care of me and speak up for myself and don't get sick and weighted down with anger that just brews in my belly threatening to give me ulcers.  I hope this is relevant to you, and if it's not, please forgive my wasting your time, but today, I am working on today's information and with today's problems and I am not bruding over anything from back when... .and that is one way I act to stay healthy emotionally... .

[H2H]

The big change came after he retired. When he couldn't be a workaholic anymore, his PTSD came back big time.   It’s not uncommon for Vietnam era veterans. to have PTSD hit hard after retiring.  They didn’t treat it back in the 60’s and 70’s, they didn’t even have a name for it. Once it was diagnosed, he went to classes for PTSD, but that didn't work, he had years of counseling with the VA but that didn't work, in hospital treatment didn't work. All he learned was to excuse his behavior, blame it on PTSD.  Finally after a few years, he was diagnosed with strong BPD traits and had treatment for that. That didn't work either.

I've done some research on that combination, and apparently the BPD interferes with the treatment for PTSD and the PTSD interferes with the treatment for BPD. There is a new experimental treatment for people with both that has a pretty good success rate, but it's in early stages and not really available anywhere yet.

So  yeah, there were glimpses of problems, but I’d never heard of BPD. I knew PTSD, both he and I came from abusive backgrounds, but I’d worked past mine and thought he could work past his too. We made a good team, and had each other’s backs.  Then everything fell apart. I was ready to help support him through it, but he was so abusive. The VA kept saying it was PTSD, I kept saying, no, it’s not, there’s something else, but by that time he was so good at lying and projecting on me, I don’t think there was a chance of healing. I know PTSD is bad, and can overcome normal human responses, fear of death will do that to a person, but not everybody becomes abusive. I don’t know why he did, other than the BPD messed him up even more so he really couldn’t see me as a person. The VA has been great to him, I’m glad he has so much support. Spouses, not so much. Even the VA marriage counselor we saw via teleconferencing bought into the poor veteran thing. I told her what was happening, how he wouldn’t let me see the finances, how isolated I was, how he raged at me, how much sicker I was getting, but she kept telling me I needed to understand him, support him more. Not that I don’t support veterans with PTSD, I do, they need support. But they don’t need to abuse people. I think the BPD just messed it all up. He was so good at avoiding seeing what he did, he had to blame it all on me, and he was very convincing at being a victim. Even one of our adult kids believed him. Not now, but for years.

I was never perfect, I got mad back when he raged at me, though I tried to stay calm, and could, for a while. But he raged every couple of days, and I could only stay calm and not get sucked in for a few days to weeks at a time, then I got pulled in again. Sometimes he would be kind again, and act like he cared. I got sucked back in by that too.

I always challenged him if something felt off or not true. He just got better at lying, and hiding the evidence. Once I was bedbound, that got much easier for him. I knew something was wrong. I tried to be honest and to reach him. He wasn’t reachable. I think now I scared him even more by being honest and trying to communicate. I didn’t know he couldn’t stand the idea of being seen. When I told him he had to stop raging at me or he’d have to move out, he raged so much more. Now I think maybe that was BPD fear of abandonment. I didn’t know that then.

One of the  most damaging patterns I developed as a kid was the idea that I could be and had to be strong enough to handle anything. When he got so abusive, I fell back into that. I believed I could reach him. I believed he loved me still.  Now I don’t know much except that I’m not strong enough to handle abuse and I have to be safe and heal. 

I know I can’t reach him. He has to do that himself, and he has no idea who he is. I know I loved him. I don’t know if he loved me, or just the idea of me. Maybe he did before the PTSD/BPD got so bad. I can understand, intellectually, that it has more to do with his issues than anything I did. I do believe that. But I guess I can’t hold onto that. Maybe I’ll learn to. Right now it just  hurts so much.

I’m trying to take good care of myself. It helps that you guys/girls have lived through it and come through. I hope I can get back to God. I don’t have any theological reasons to think God is anything but love, I just can’t let it in yet. I know God isn’t my husband. There’s something linked there though that I don’t understand.

Maybe it has to do with the way my husband and I were in the early years. I have this image in my head, of the  bottom few layers of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, with physical needs on the bottom, then safety, then love and belonging, then some other stuff on top of those layers. My childhood left gaping holes in those first three layers, which made a shaky foundation. I thought my husband and I helped each other rebuild those layers. We both held each other through the nightmares and shared them and that helped. We went on to have a good life for decades. The last several years though, after he changed, the holes came back. I didn’t have my physical needs met, I wasn’t fed regularly, I wan’t given the meds i needed,  I wasn’t safe, I wasn’t loved. I was isolated and terrified.

No wonder I feel so beat up! I just realized this as I wrote this out. I have to rebuild those layers, find a way to feel secure again, have a strong foundation.  It’s clear my husband can’t give me anything to do that with. I guess God will have to do it. Hmm. That might be a good thing. In theory. In practice, I’m still really scared. Thanks for helping me work through this stuff. And for encouraging me and listening. I have a long way to go, but at this moment, I can see a little hope.

[Mutt]

but she kept telling me I needed to understand him, support him more

I'm sorry that you had to go through that I can imagine how isolated that must of felt when the VA was was biased and that you didn't get the support that you needed when you needed and that you were not heard or validated. I can understand that it's difficult for a pwBPD but a person with mental illness has a responsibility to get the help that they need for themselves to improve.

I have to rebuild those layers, find a way to feel secure again, have a strong foundation.  It’s clear my husband can’t give me anything to do that with. I guess God will have to do it.

It sounds like you didn't safe and didn't get your needs met for a long time I think that you're on the right path with reconstructing yourself we have a really good workshop that will help:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[H2H]

Thanks, Mutt. That's exactly what I was missing - to be seen, heard, validated. I told them then that's what I needed but it went nowhere. It's so good to have you give me that back. Really good.

I'll look at the other thread, thanks for that too. Taking care of myself has been mostly about making sure I eat the right food at the right times,  and trying hard not to push my body so hard it crashes (which means walking to my living room, usually). It's interesting to think about expanding beyond pure survival. Hearing others' specific ideas helps.

[Mutt]

That's true like you said make you eat enough, I'd like to add that I do make sure that I eat enough and I'll take a hot bath, go for a walk outside ( I know that it's not feasible for you at the moment ) and I do weight lifting for self care and also to help with anxiety and depression.

[H2H]

I did find a book that explains how to adapt yoga for people who are bedbound. I'll look at it again, it sounds like that might be something fun to do.

[Mutt]

Do it. Yoga is also really good for self care.