Cycling through the "bad" and listing the "bad"

[PeacePlease88]

I wanted to highlight a pattern of behavior that I have noticed in my wife over the last few years- increasing in intensity to a fever pitch over the last 5 months.

I dub the pattern "cycling" and "listing". She will continuously cycle back and forth between the perceived transgressions she has experienced with members of her own family, my family, and her friends. She launches into a diatribe about something and then starts "listing" all the reasons the individual is wrong/bad in her view. Each of these lists sounds like a recorded speech.

I will validate and attempt to ascertain what purpose this rehashing of past transgressions serves. I have theorized that it is an attempt to reassure herself that she is justified in her firm position- and that it grounds her in the anger that she is experiencing.

Last night we spoke at length about how this cycling and listing seems to have increased exponentially in the last five months- and how it correlates strongly with  a fight with her mother that has lead to her not speaking with her. She even alluded to the possibility that what she is experiencing is a "nervous breakdown"- whatever that may mean. Bottom line is that she is frazzled and really truly not herself- and I am not sure how to best help her, or if I can. I just want her to stop and remember the beauty in the world. From time to time she does- especially with our daughter.

This is all so frustrating to me. My wife is at a gridlock- she doesn't want people in her life, but she is miserable and bitter without people in her life. Can anyone relate? how does this get better?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

Hi PeacePlease88!

I can definitely relate. My uBPDh is in a cycling and listing phase now. Both families, friends, even service providers. He finds fault in everyone and everything and his answer is to threaten to cut them off.

Like you, this latest pattern has been going on for about 5 months, correlating with a lot of stressful events and changes.

Last night was a real doozy, with him talking about divorce and how we see too many things differently and have wasted our time being married. My family is awful. I'm awful because I won't stand up for him to them (i.e. cuss them out for what he perceives as slights). Friends are awful (because a friend didn't reply to a text he claims he never got -- my husband has a history of claiming he sent texts that he actually didn't).

Then, this morning, he's talking about anger management and wanting to have a better attitude, knowing his way isn't right. Last night he was stressed and tired and hungry -- which always makes him worse.

Anyway, I can relate to your situation. Unfortunately, since I'm in it myself, I don't have a lot of advice to give. I've noticed that when I stay calm, it keeps his cycle from turning into a full-blown rage and I'm working on validating feelings while maintaining my own boundaries, but that's a work in progress.

[Dry Bones]

Yeah, I'm in this same boat. Everyone else is just a horrible person. My uBPDgf has cut off/been cut off from her family off and on for most of our time together. And all my family and friends are awful as well in her eyes. It's difficult because her family has done some pretty bad things to her in the past, so I want to validate, but at the same time, it's not healthy to just dwell on it constantly. With my family too, she wants to tell me how I should react to things and how I need to tell my mother off. I've already lost most of my friends, I don't want to completely isolate myself by cutting off the little family I have.