Married forever but reaching the bottom

[Erisa]

Married 30+ years, hubby's behavior has become increasingly worse since last adult child moved out a few years ago.  I have been fighting this battle on my own, have become isolated.  After reading about 4 horseman, marriage is at stage 4.  Due to life circumstances, finances, and being a caretaker, I cannot leave at this point.

After the holiday, my oldest child engaged with DH over hubby's inappropriate behavior.  Hubby is extremely angry and continually lashing out at me, because he feels I should have defended his inappropriate behavior. 

Problem is child is dead on with diagnosing dad with BPD / NPD traits.  This is the first time anyone beside me has stood up to hubby's behavior and hubby is extremely disturbed. 

How do you tell someone they have BPD?  Or do you even bother? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You've come to the right place.  Many members have come here after decades in a BPD relationship.  This is a good place to get support and learn coping tools.  This problem grew over years, and is not something you'll solve quickly, but you can make improvements.

In general, we strongly advise against trying to convince a person they have BPD.  It is usually fruitless, and just increases conflict. 

Can you give us more detail about his inappropriate behaviors?  What happened over the holidays?

RC

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

As Radcliff said, you are in the right place.  We can help you with setting boundaries, learning communication tools and strategies that can significantly improve things for you. 

A lot of times when we first stand up to someone with BPD we will see an increase in their poor behaviors.  They will push back, not always, but often.  This is where boundaries and learning to respond rather than react comes in.

I hope you read and feel comfortable to just jump into threads and post.  It will help you see others working on similar issues and will help you build a support network of people who really get what you are going through.

Again, welcome.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Erisa,

Welcome!

That sounds like a really tough situation. I would guess your instinct is to defend your child rather than your husband (especially if you feel they are right), but you also don't want to risk making your husband feel undermined and pouring fuel on the fire - is that right? If your child is now adult, you are probably best staying out of it as much as possible. But you may (or may not) wish to talk some of the issues over with your child (in a validating way) in private. Do you do this?

As Radcliff says, generally, advice is not to suggest BPD to the sufferer, because it usually goes down badly. In this case, where your husband is in conflict with your daughter about it, he would probably interpret it as "taking their side against him" if you raised it in the near future.

How are things now?