Looking for advice from other bpd partners

[Jwood]

I've been in a back and forth relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He first left 5 months in. Completely disappeared with no explanation. I'd never experienced anything like this before. We were progressing in a normal way and had a ton in common and really liked each other then out of no where he started suddenly acting differently and was gone. It hurt but it was clearly something going on with him that i didn't understand. 6 weeks later he called apologized profusely and said he got scared and ran which he said had happened before for him. He wanted to give us a real chance and said he cared a great deal for me. From there we fell madly in love. We were best friends and did everything together. I stayed at his place 4 nights a week. He lives approx 75 miles from me. He was acting like his authentic self and talked of us moving in together and marriage. Everything was good. Fast forward 10 months and things started happening again the way they did just before he disappeared the first time. This has now happened another 3 times in the past 8 months where he's completely disappeared, blocked me, said incredibly terrible things, and it appears on the verge of happening again. He has all the symptoms of bpd and recently his 2 young adult children have expressed to me they think they both have bpd as well they think their dad has it. I decided to talk to him about this frankly this last time we got back together and he said maybe he does have it. He is still cycling back and forth between some self awareness and complete denial. I am feeling utterly devasted and confused as to what to do. I love him but it's killing me. Add to all this he neglected to tell me when we first started dating that he had herpes and has given it to me. Even with all this i still love him and am trying and have always tried to keep us in a healthy place and stay in my boundaries. I refuse to be in a codependent relationship. Any advice on how others have dealt with similar situations is appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jwood]

I'm trying to get him into counseling but it's challenging. Any suggestions? Anyone with a similar experience? What worked/didn't work?

[1st Circle]

Hi there, JWood.

I'm sorry that you're having to ask these questions. I'm also sorry that I'm afraid I'm not going to be very helpful. I used to think I knew what I was doing, but at this moment I don't feel qualified to give advice. I've been with my husband for almost four and a half years. He's never disappeared on me, but I he threatened to leave me tonight and I certainly have my share of other stories. (Like the time he picked a fight due and took off in the car, and I figured he'd probably be back but would be driving recklessly and I would be worried sick, so I started to change out of my pajamas and into my jeans to go with him just so he'd have a reason to drive more carefully, and he left me standing in the driveway with my pants half off as I tried to run to the car. How's that for codependent? Or for a run-on sentence?) I think you basically just have to decide what you're willing to accept and what you're not. I think I've accepted more than I'd advise most people to, but there are some things that would be past my limit. It just depends on where yours is.

I got my husband the Cognitive Behavioral Workbook, which he swore he would read if I bought it. He read about a quarter of it. He showed some improvements, but stopped reading it, and seems to be regressing presently. I don't know if your boyfriend would consider working in a book like that or not, or would follow through with it if he started. It might be worth a try, I suppose.

As I said, I'm not terribly helpful right now. But I decided to reply because I saw nobody had yet replied to your post. I'm in the same boat -- first time poster and nobody has replied to mine yet, either, . Feeling pretty low and vulnerable and didn't want you to think that nobody was listening while you're waiting for someone more helpful to answer.

I'm sorry again that you're having to even think about these horrible issues. I really wish you all the best.

[Jwood]

Hi 1st circle,

Thank you for your response. It's so helpful to feel heard.

I too am struggling. Trying to stand firm in my boundaries but feeling sad, unsure, and treated badly most of the time. Everything is volitile and splitting type behaviour is very common. He comes back says how sorry he is, how much he loves me, acknowledges there are things going on with him etc. Then, within the space of a few weeks, he begins to split. Acts differently, less affectionate, mean at times, and i start trying to repair and talk to him and it all goes into a tail spin. Projecting everything he's doing to me onto me. It's very strange and confusing to navigate.

I feel I'm at a point where it's affecting me so much that i need to say enough. I know this is not going to get better without proper treatment and with a counselor leading his recovery. Crazy to know that all the literature says it's one of the most treatable conditions provided they commit to it and those with a good support system typically do well.

I feel for you in your situation too. I hear your frustration and sense you really love him. Staying out of codepency is a fine line. Hopefully you have someone to talk to? My plan today is to book a counselling session for myself. He and i had gone a couple of times at the end of summer and it was positive. My plan was always that he'd get in one on one but that's not happened yet. I have had several sessions with the therapist just trying to cope with all of this.

Take care 

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Jwood.

Check out the tools section.  There are lots of tips that can help guide you.

Also, post often, give details about specific situations and members can help you navigate as well.  It's good that you are going to find a therapist.  That's step one.  Also, take some time for yourself and practice self care.   Read a book, go take a yoga class, do something for YOU~

Best of luck on this journey~
SH4

[Jwood]

Thank you. I will check out the tools section. Appreciate your kind words.