Co-Sleeping

[celticgirl12]

I'd love some feedback/thoughts about how to handle my step-children co-sleeping with their mother and how we should handle things.
The background (briefly): The ex is very toxic (which is why I'm posting here). My husband is sure she has BPD. After what I have seen and experienced these last few years, I have to agree. Currently, the children are ages 10 and 11. They spend 50% at each home. When their mother's current boyfriend is there, the girls do not sleep with her. When he is not, which is most nights, they do. They have a routine of all three of them going to bed together. When they are home with us, they used to because it would be a meltdown if they didn't. Now that they are older, in the last year, we have insisted that they sleep in their own beds. My husband will spend a lot of time tucking them in and it's always a difficult process but the hardest is when they come back from their mom's. They saw a therapist two years ago and this was one item that was to be addressed. It wasn't and they no longer see a therapist. Any ideas?

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome.

Why did the girls stop seeing the therapist?  Is it possible for them to start seeing one again?

[Panda39]

Hi celticgirl12,

You are not alone in seeing this behavior my significant other's (SO's) daughter's did this too with their undiagnosed BPD mom (uBPDmom) when he and I first met and they were D11 and D14 at the time.

Did we like it no, did we think it was appropriate no, was she molesting them no, were they doing the same thing at dad's house no, did we have control over what they all did at mom's house when it wasn't criminal no.  Were the girls unhappy, no.  Was this a battle we wanted to fight? We decided it wasn't.  We let it continue when they were with their mom which was 3 weekends a month until they grew out of it. They did grow out of it.

That may not be the solution for everyone, and not everyone might think our choice was a good one but in our situation it worked out. It really depends on the specific people involved and the specific situations.

Do you feel that there is something sexual going on?  Have the kids complained about it?

Panda39

[prof]

I don't really have any advice to give, but I'm dealing with the same issue.  When uBPDstbxw got her own place after the separation, she had a bedroom for S5 but apparently he never slept there.  Now she's renting the bedroom out for extra cash, so her bed is the only option when he visits... .

I have custody during the school year and we live 7 hours apart, so he only visits over extended breaks from school.  He's asked about sleeping with me a couple times, and I even let him once after he had a bad dream and I just wanted to go back to sleep .

One thing that I think helped is that I got him a racecar sheet/comforter set that he really likes.  So he's excited to be in his own bed.

[ForeverDad]

From a legal aspect, not sure how agencies view the significance nor how much it is enforced, but state standards often list there is to be a separate bedroom for the kids, and if both genders, then also split by gender.

Also, age is a factor.  Probably preschool age is not seen as a big issue but older would be.

[zachira]

Is it possible to get the girls back in therapy? It sounds like mom is using her daughters to deal with her own anxiety about being alone.