I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. I'm a U.S. foreign service officer. We married in a hurry before moving overseas to Vietnam. From the start of the marriage I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what. The arguments were constant, and I couldn't figure out what triggered them. I ended up constantly apologizing and trying to absorb a lot of the anger with apologies. We had really good times, but the arguments usually got more intense with time, averaging 2-3 per month. I secretly documented all of them to try to understand the patterns.
Things started to really fall apart when my dad died in Nov 2017. I needed my husband to support me, and he tried but he couldn't. He kept arguing with me within hours of me finding out my dad died. I hurt and grew very resentful. Because of politics, I realized my heart was no longer in my career, so I encouraged my husband to restart his career, since he had given up his job to follow me. He is a dual citizen (U.S. by birth and Ireland through his mom). He ended up getting a job in Dublin, which I helped him get set up in. I was preparing to resign my job and follow him. I was excited about a new life, and new future. I had hoped helping him follow his dream to be in Ireland would help him not be so angry and anxious and insecure so often. I wanted it to help heal our marriage.
However, in Dublin things grew worse. I tried to make friends whom he accused me of cheating on him with.
I had only been there four weeks, when I was planning to fly to America for four weeks to help my physically disabled mom cope with losing her husband, my dad. Return to Dublin, for four weeks, then go to Vietnam, and end my assignment there. Return to America to prepare for my move to Ireland, and return to Dublin. It seemed the logical thing to do. He saw it as me abandoning him for "months at a time." I grew so resentful that he couldn't understand that I needed to help my disabled mom, who suffers from severe rheumatoid arthritis. The arguments became so intense I would go into a spare room, and close the door, or go on a walk, just to try to relax, which he would see as further abandonment.
Finally after a really nice meal, the worst fight happened. It started with me wanting to have sex before leaving for America for four weeks. He pushed me away and called me an ass and accused me of treating him like ___. I should have walked away, but I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. I spoke my mind and said that since my dad died I have felt so abused and neglected that I didn't even know if I loved him any longer. He screamed at me with rage to get out of his apartment. It was so horrible. I wanted to work through the argument, I didn't want to leave in an argument, but he just turned on the TV and ignored me. I turned it off, and he raged and screamed again turning back on. I turned it off again, saying that we cannot have a fight like this before I leave. And he screamed again that I broke his TV. I decided it was time to leave. I started packing up my stuff. I grabbed a small Bose Sounddock speaker set to carry to my suitcase when he approached me and smashed his fists down on it, forcing it out of my hands onto the floor, jamming my fingers. I was in shock that he used violence during an argument. He came at me again and I pushed him away because I was scared. I should have called the police, but I just wanted out. I then screamed back at him that I will not live with a man who uses violence at me. And it just got worse.
I sort of thought that this was the end, so I begged him to hit me again, because I wanted good reasons to leave. And he did, six more times. They weren't really hard hits, more smacks to the face, and pushes. i pushed back and grabbed a suitcase to defend myself. My husband was a U.S. Marine. He knows more about fighting than I do. I finally barricaded myself in a spare room, and finished packing my suitcase when he said, "You think you are so smart having coffee with that guy, Gavin. Well, I ___ed Gavin before you got here." I thought he was lying, but it was true. He had cheated on me too. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad. I didn't really sleep much that night. I just sat there in sadness and anger texting with him horrible things back and forth. The next morning I left the apartment as quickly as I could to get to the airport and left Ireland and haven't gone back. That was the last day of April 2018.
After returning to America, I talked with a therapist, who suggested my husband probably has BPD. I started researching it, and learning about it, and the first time I read a summary it was like angels started singing. Finally, I understood what was happening, and what it was called. I wasn't going crazy. My experience was validated. However, I also grew so sad, because I realized I had ___ed up so many times. I had defended myself when I shouldn't have. I added to arguments that I shouldn't have. I made criticisms that were unnecessary. It just made me feel horrible, because in my heart I still remembered all the good times with my husband and I didn't want to lose him.
However, by this point I hadn't replied to any of his texts, or answered any of his calls, and his messages were erratic, waxing between saying he still loves me and misses me to telling me not to return and that he had changed the locks. Finally, I replied that I won't live with someone who uses violence in a fight. That he likely has something called BPD and that he needs professional help. I wrote plainly that I had four conditions under which I'd return, (1) admit what you did, (2) admit it was wrong, (3) apologize for it, and (4) give me assurance it won't happen again because you have sought therapy. Of course, everything was distorted to me having cheated on him, me having attacked him, me having BPD, me needing mental help, etc.
He then blocked all my calls, and texts, so for the past 8 months we only have communicated by email. The emails had been erratic. I routinely asked him whether he still loved me, because I figured the only way I could stay in the marriage is if he still loved me and wanted to change. The last time he said he loved me was on July 3rd. However, he found a way to twist the narrative to me destroying the marriage because I refused to work in Ireland, ignoring that I left because of the argument. He insisted that I not return unless I found a job first. It made no sense to me until I realized that it was how he was rationalizing my departure to his friends and family.
As time passed, I missed him ever more, because I remember all the good times we shared together, and forget about the arguments, and forgive him everything the more I learn about BPD. However, as time passed, he has devalued me ever more, accusing me of trying to ruin his life, and being crazy. He rather quickly started dating guys in Ireland, not telling them he was married to me. I tried to continue a dialog with him through email, but eventually he just wrote me "Go away!" which was a phrase I really didn't understand because I had left already, but was trying to save our marriage.
My heart has been broken badly by everything. I lost my dad, and basically lost my husband six months later. I've been trying to slowly heal. I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" a few times, and it's helped me a lot. However, he is still in my heart. I have asked him repeatedly whether he still loves me, because if he could just write, "I don't love you anymore," I wouldn't feel so bad about divorce. However, he won't ever write that. I also think that my father stayed with my mom through 37 years of her debilitating illness until he died, surely I'm strong enough to do the same for my husband, but he has made it impossible for me to be with him, because I can't live in Ireland without his cooperation.
In October, I knew he was returning for his cousin's wedding. I requested to meet him if he was willing to discuss things. He told me the hotel he was staying at. I went to the hotel and sat in the lobby for two hours. He had checked in. I called his phone three times. I emailed him five times. I even had the hotel front desk call his room. He ignored me fully. He thought it was pathetic and weird that I came to the hotel. It was confusing to me that he'd tell me where he was staying if he didn't want me to come there.
Most recently he now insists that I divorce him. He can't divorce me in Ireland without being separated for four years. So he wants me to do it. However, I still love him, and don't want to divorce. I don't want to give up on him, even though he has already given up on me. It just breaks my heart that someone I love has put me in the metaphorical dumpster and doesn't want to repair the damage.
I am not even very religious, but I've started praying a lot. I used to pray to be released from the torment and arguments of the relationship. Now that I'm released, I pray for peace in my heart and that things could heal. I have had dreams where we make love, and that we hug everything out. Our hugs were always so timeless. I just wish we could still love one another again.
I know there are no good options. I realize I can't force someone to love me. I know that I will likely have to divorce him, and walk away no matter how sad I will feel. In the mean time, after I sent him a birthday gift (Starbucks Coffee, his favorite, on the 24th) and Christmas gift (a coffee grinder) on the 25th and got only an email requesting I start a divorce. I realized I need to take care of myself first. I have put my life on hold hoping things could be resolved, and focusing on helping my mom. However, I recently listened to The Postal Service's song, "Nothing Better" (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwj0Q2TVAMM) and the lyrics reminded me that "your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures." So I've decided on December 26th to stop emailing, stop replying, just stoping. Yesterday, I reread all the emails, and realized that I've tried everything I can. I have to let me heart heal, and figure out next steps after that.
Thanks for letting me share my story. It's been therapeutic to write this summary. I wish you much love and happiness.
