stbx uBPDh accusing me of parental alienation on FB

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

One of my co workers sent me a screenshot last night of a post stbx uBPDh made (using our joint FB page, which is now just his because I no longer have anything to do with FB) that urged "anyone who sees Redeemed please ask her to let me see our son S3. Parental alienation only hurts the child". Then he tagged three of my managers and one (now former, though he doesn't know that) co-worker.

He then proceeded to directly message at least one of my co-workers, who promptly blocked him and notified me. This makes at least four of my co-workers whom he has messaged and who have now blocked him.

This is very frustrating to me, because even though I know that all my managers and co-workers know my situation, it's still embarrassing. If I worked somewhere else where the managers were less understanding and supportive, this could interfere with my job.

It's also ridiculous because all these people know that I am not "alienating" our child from him. They know he has been abusive and I have ended contact in order to protect myself from him.

I think this is a clear example of how deluded and in denial he is. He also told his mom that he is going to call the police to do a welfare check on s3. First of all, I doubt they will take him seriously, second of all, even if they do that doesn't scare me because I am not doing anything wrong, and third of all, it's ridiculous for him to waste the time of the police department to ask them to check on a child when his abusive behavior has made the NC necessary.

It also bothers me (though not enough to get stuck over it) that there are people who will read that post that do not know the details of the situation and will buy into his narrative of the suffering father who is being kept from his child by a resentful mother. He is painting me to be the disordered person and that makes me want to scream.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi all,

One of my co workers sent me a screenshot last night of a post stbx uBPDh made (using our joint FB page, which is now just his because I no longer have anything to do with FB) that urged "anyone who sees Redeemed please ask her to let me see our son S3. Parental alienation only hurts the child". Then he tagged three of my managers and one (now former, though he doesn't know that) co-worker.

He then proceeded to directly message at least one of my co-workers, who promptly blocked him and notified me. This makes at least four of my co-workers whom he has messaged and who have now blocked him.

This is very frustrating to me, because even though I know that all my managers and co-workers know my situation, it's still embarrassing. If I worked somewhere else where the managers were less understanding and supportive, this could interfere with my job.

It's also ridiculous because all these people know that I am not "alienating" our child from him. They know he has been abusive and I have ended contact in order to protect myself from him.

I think this is a clear example of how deluded and in denial he is. He also told his mom that he is going to call the police to do a welfare check on s3. First of all, I doubt they will take him seriously, second of all, even if they do that doesn't scare me because I am not doing anything wrong, and third of all, it's ridiculous for him to waste the time of the police department to ask them to check on a child when his abusive behavior has made the NC necessary.

It also bothers me (though not enough to get stuck over it) that there are people who will read that post that do not know the details of the situation and will buy into his narrative of the suffering father who is being kept from his child by a resentful mother. He is painting me to be the disordered person and that makes me want to scream.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Yet another desperate ploy on his part. I'm totally ignorant about how restraining orders work, but I wonder if it is applicable to social media.

[Cromwell]

I know it is embarrassing and I agree with Cat Familiar it sounds like some bait just to get attention publicly. I had similar and completely ignored it, it was one of her friends who eventually commented and interrupted all her posts by saying "I think you have way too much time on your hands", which I thought was better than I could have found words myself. It stopped very soon after that and im always of the view that annoying as this is now, if you dont add any fuel, it becomes "old news" very fast - just another silly FB spat and it is so common these days that people dont take it seriously.

[once removed]

hi I Am Redeemed,

is there a custody agreement? when is the last time he saw the child?

[I Am Redeemed]

Once removed,

There is currently no custody agreement. I plan to file for divorce this month, I will receive help from legal services but I still have to pay the filing fee which is over three hundred dollars.

I also have to file for a whole new protection order. The last one expired and could not be renewed because neither of us lives in that county anymore. That means I have to wait for him to be served and then go to court all over again, in this county.

Dv services have advised me to remain NC until the divorce is filed and legal services can represent me to negotiate visitation.

The thing that makes me so angry is that I bent over backwards to let him have the chance to visit his son. I stressed myself out and put myself at risk again just to give him visitation. He abused that by using the visitation to wear me down in order to get me to resume the relationship. Then he escalated into emotional abuse and physical intimidation where my safety felt threatened, all the while complaining that I was holding his son back from him (because he wanted me to move back in with him.)

Now he doesn't get to see him at all because I have no safe alternative, and he still is blaming me. I have had no contact since three months ago when he (I am sure, though I can't prove) disabled my van so I had no way of leaving his motel room and then proceeded to interrogate me over some male coworkers that I had added to our Facebook page (which I now have nothing to do with.)

He has not seen our son since then. He also cancelled the scheduled supervised visitation with our other children, then claimed that the coordinator refused to return his calls to resume the visitation schedule.

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

I know how hurtful it must feel to be blamed of parental alienation.  It's possible there is a legal avenue to address social media harrassment, but you've got your hands full on much more important legal matters like physical safety and divorce paperwork.  I think Cromwell nailed it.  Let the source speak for himself.  If he doesn't get a reaction out of you, it will likely fade away.

As time goes on, your ability to let these things roll off your back will improve.  Things that used to upset you for a week may only upset you for a couple of days.  At some point he'll do something that would have had you stressed for days that only hurts for 15 minutes.  It gets better.  Slowly, but it does.

RC

[Turkish]

I was thinking that if the password was still the same for the joint account,  you could log in,  change the password,  then deactivate the account.  But that would result in drama.  The advice of the others here is better. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you all for your replies.

Turkish,

The password is not the same. I had forgotten it anyway, I was automatically logged in on my phone and then uBPDh hacked into it and changed the password.

I think perhaps this is a trigger for me. It is so close to the projection and gaslighting I experienced for years that I never understood. I spent much time and energy trying to convince him that his perception of me was faulty. Of course that never worked, but I didn't know about BPD or JADE back then.

It's just a familiar and extremely frustrating pattern... .his behavior causes a response which he then twists to reflect negatively on me and steps back from the blame with his hands up... ."it's not me, folks, it's her, look at her".

It also pokes at the guilt I already feel about s3 not seeing his dad. I have gone over this in therapy. I am learning to separate the sadness I feel about the situation from the inclination to feel responsible for it and to fix it, which is usually detrimental to me.

However, the guilt feelings persist because it is an ingrained thought pattern that I have lived with for years, and I have to actively work to combat it. Seeing that he is portraying me as an immature person giving him the silent treatment out of anger and resentment and suggesting that I am using our son as a weapon to purposely harm him just makes me feel like I am being gaslighted and emotionally abused all over again. The truth is the total opposite of that, and I am already fighting my own inner dialogue that draws it's narrative from the years of verbal abuse. His comments just stir up the struggle I have with old thought patterns and new ones.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

He knows how to push your buttons. At some point, the buttons will no longer produce much of a reaction. That can take time, but if we want to speed up the process, it helps to use our thinking part of the brain rather than our reactive part.

Then we can observe their intent to get us to react, and ask ourselves, "How do I feel about feeling this way?" That creates an opening where we don't immediately go into reaction and can choose how we want to feel. It's a habit that takes a bit of time to learn, but it really gives us a tremendous amount of emotional freedom.

[worriedStepmom]

When my parents divorced, my dad often called my mom to yell at her while she was at work (this was before social media).  Her manager finally got on the phone and told my dad that he was disrupting their business and that they would file harassment charges if he continued to call.  The calls stopped.

I don't think they met the criteria for harassment charges, but I think it was enough for my dad that someone stood up to him.  If he continues direct harassment of your managers or coworkers, your company may have to intervene as well.

If you can, I would let your friends and family know that they need to defriend that account, as you are no longer associated with it.