Wife kicked me out

[Stealth]

Hello

My wife of two years decided on New Year’s Eve that she’s had enough. She kicked me and my son out saying she needed time to decide if she still loved me anymore. We left the next day to my brothers. By the end of the day she had removed my last name on Facebook and changed her status to in a relationship with a new guy.

She has suffered with anxiety and depression since I’ve known her. She would have episodes so bad she couldn’t leave the bed. One week before asking me to leave she had an episode that lasted three days. She has also had episodes at night when she would say or do mean things typically directed st me. I’d ask her about them the next day but she claimed to have no memory. I never considered BPD until a friend of mine suggested I look here. She seems to fit almost every symptom listed.

My question is that I’m still in love. I’ve talked to her since leaving and all she worries about us money. No mention of caring for me anymore. It’s been an emotionally draining week.

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[Turkish]

 That's brutal and I'm sorry you're going though this.  My ex found a paramour as well,  "the grass is greener... ." we had a 1 year old and a 3 year old at the time. 

Who owns the home,  or were you renting?  PwBPD (people with BPD) can be impulsive,  driven by unstable emotions.  It goes without saying that she hasn't thought this through. 

It would help to get some history.  What led up to her kicking you out?

[Radcliff]

Let me join Turkish in welcoming you, and echo his query about more information.  You've found a supportive community here that can help you through this tough time.  How old is your son?

RC

[Stealth]

That's brutal and I'm sorry you're going though this.  My ex found a paramour as well,  "the grass is greener... ." we had a 1 year old and a 3 year old at the time. 

Who owns the home,  or were you renting?  PwBPD (people with BPD) can be impulsive,  driven by unstable emotions.  It goes without saying that she hasn't thought this through. 

It would help to get some history.  What led up to her kicking you out?

The home we rented together from her dad. We have had struggled the past few weeks. She was very depressed and distant. She never likes to visit my family, I could never figure out why. The day we planned to visit she had an attack. She begged me not to go. I see my family three or four times a year so canceling would have been hard. I offered to cancel but she insisted I go. When I left she continuously texted me telling me she was going to the hospital to commit herself. It was obviously hard to hear on my end. She suddenly stopped talking to me. I was that worried I had to ask my nine year old who told me she was sleeping. She was still sleeping when I got home she complained that I was gone for seven hours. My family lives an hour away. She refused to talk to me and locked herself in her oldest daughters room only coming out for the bathroom and to take me to work. That consisted for three days. Then she asked me for money one morning saying she was going to get stuff needed at CVS. When I talked to her from work and reminded her when I needed picked up she proceeded to tell me she was out with friends and promised them. So guess who knew nothing about this and had to walk home?  We had plans to pick up the kids st 5 and she never showed up until 6:30 and had obviously been drinking. The next day I was going to work again and she was up and dressed. Not normal so I mentioned it. At that time she admitted to going out with friends again. I have no idea why she was being so shady. Turns out the friends she was seeing included her new boyfriend.

[Radcliff]

Thank you for sharing the details.  I'm sorry for how hard this must be on you and your son, especially around the holidays.  Where are you living now?  Do you have a stable housing arrangement?

RC

[Stealth]

We are staying with my brother. Thank god for them.

[once removed]

Thank god for them.

agreed. im glad you have family you can lean on. do lean on them.

how are you holding up? how is your son holding up?

[Stealth]

He’s doing fine. I think he’s just happy to nitbdesk with the never know what you are going to get situation.

I’m not doing as well. I’m having a hard time letting go. I think mainly because it was so quick of an exit I don’t feel like I was given a chance to make it work. I had no idea about BPD until after we split. Now I keep wanting to have a second chance now that I know what I’m dealing with. The person I spoke with that lead me here thinks I need to stay away. Idk what to do and also recognize she will do whatever she wants.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the sudden ending that didn't give you a chance to work on things.  Don't be hard on yourself.  You knew what you knew when you knew it.  And simply knowing about BPD is just the beginning.  These relationships are tough, and there are no guarantees, even when we're giving it our all.

I'd recommend discussing some of the challenging aspects of the relationship here, and learning about some of the tools.  If you have a chance to reconnect with her, that will help you to keep the drama level lower and have a better chance of success.  

You said that you've talked to her since leaving, but that she doesn't mention caring about you.  She likely still cares, but is too raw or emotionally fearful to talk about it.  Are you certain the "other guy" is real?  It's even possible that at some point she'll want you back, but will have painted herself into a corner with no face-saving way to make that happen.  When was the last time you spoke to her?

RC

[Stealth]

If she hasn’t completely removed me it sure looks like it. I had to go last night for the last bag of things. She’s even posted photos of them on Facebook. I’m having a real hard time not being emotional everyday.

[Radcliff]

Hang in there.  It must be terribly difficult to see them on FB, and I imagine your heart was heavy as you retrieved the last bag of belongings.  Impulsiveness is a hallmark of the disease, and you are likely seeing this in her sudden ejection of you, and suddenly taking up with a boyfriend. 

When we separate from our partners, we can begin to feel signs of depression, even if depression is not something we've had to deal with in the past.  It can make it hard to find the energy and mental focus to do important things like working and parenting.  How are you doing?  Are there things that you can do with your son that will make him feel your engagement with him and lift everyone's spirits?

RC