We spoke about her not taking my compliments but I still compliment her anyways

[mrrperfect85]

So basically I’m clueless on how to act with my gf that has BPD. I’m a very nice and caring person and she’s very mean to me playing around all the time and being mean regularly. I like to think to myself I can take it but in all honestly I can’t. She owns up to her BPD but at the same time I’m worried about myself and my emotions. We had bad incidents but I will just name a very light one that happened a hr ago. We spoke about her not taking my compliments or throwing it back at me all the time. BUT I still compliment her anyways knowing most of the time she throws them back. So she basically said it’s because she feels insecure. She got mad and kept asking me “so you would stop complimenting a woman if she throws them back all the time?” I said yea because... she didn’t let me talk. I tried talking but she didn’t let me. So she said a few things and I said ok. Not getting mad because she’s not letting me talk. Then 10min later I told her she didn’t let me talk. So I asked her can I talk for a sec. she said it doesn’t matter but she said ok go. I said “if one has no reason to throw it back at her bf all the time then that’s rude, and that’s very understandable why the guy would stop. But if she has a reason like feeling insecure or feels ugly then I understand, and I would still compliment her” I always compliment her all the time even when she throws it back... I’m feeling tired emotionally and very sad and heart broken. Someone please give me advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey mrperfect85

First, Welcome to the boards 

most of the time she throws them back. So she basically said it’s because she feels insecure

This is a big issue when interacting with pwBPD, they're emotionally sensitive people (especially to perceived negativity) and they often tint their interactions based on emotion. Unfortunately those emotions are often about feeling bad about themselves, so it can be hard to navigate.

But if she has a reason like feeling insecure or feels ugly then I understand, and I would still compliment her

Be mindful that "agreeing" with her about the insecurity can make her think you also think that there's something wrong with her. Its a twisted perception, but it is very real to them.

she’s very mean to me playing around all the time and being mean regularly

I'm interested in this part. We fell in love with them for a reason (I was in an on/off relationship with a woman with BPD) and I understand that you're letting her know the good that you see in her with your compliments.

My gf also knew about her bad behavior and we would talk about it, and she could be very hurtful in the things she said and did.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but in what ways is she being mean to you? Has this been going on for long or is a recent development?

[once removed]

hi mrrperfect85, i want to join itsmeSnap in saying

i like to shower my partners with affection and compliments too. makes me feel good. usually makes them feel good.

i like teasing and to be teased, too. but if i struck a nerve, and my partner didnt appreciate it, and asked me to stop, i would respect that.

low self esteem usually runs hand in hand with BPD. think of it this way: i have a funny nose. im not self conscious about it, and i think it suits me, but ive been teased about it enough to know its a funny nose. now if someone came up to me and started telling me how perfect my nose is, and how much they love it, that would be odd, and id question their sincerity. if they kept it up, id wonder what they were up to. if i asked them to stop and they kept going, it would bother me. and if they argued with me and told me i should just accept it? theyd be history.

shes telling you shes uncomfortable with what youre doing. listen 

is she more comfortable with other forms of affection?

[WileyCoyote]

I can completely identify with this.

My wife says over and over again that I don't compliment her or maker her feel wanted,etc.    I used to compliment her all the time, but they would consistently be met with... ."No I'm not"... .or... ."Your'e lying"... .or... .much worse responses about herself.

I slowly stopped.  I didn't feel like arguing with someone that they were pretty.

So then, the complaints about the compliments started again.

I had to have a serious conversation with her about it.   If she wanted to hear what I thought of her, or hear sweet things from me.  SHE HAD TO BELIEVE ME when I said them, otherwise I would most likely not do it very much.  No one likes complimenting people who disparage them selves every time they do.

There has been some traction here as I have been able to stop her a few times mid compliment throwback.    
I just say' Stop please, look at me, do you believe me?"  and smile.   She fights a smile and says yes.

Don't get me wrong.  It is difficult.  
Stay calm.  Stay consistent.