Dreading another out of control confrontation with newly diagnosed DD16

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi  Im new here.  Our daughter (16 in 2 weeks) has been diagnosed with BPD (I feel both relief and distress with this) she also has ADHD and ODD.  We are trying to get her into DBT therapy - we had a first appointment yesterday but she adamantly refused to go when it was time to leave the house.    Something we will be working on over the week with the therapist.  
Immediate need for advise is this:  We have plans tonight with another family, pizza and board games, something we do every month.  She enjoys this, and she knew about the plans for over a week.  She wanted to see her boyfriend today - we had told her they could do something this afternoon.  When she was on the phone with him, he mentioned getting together tomorrow - she said no.  I offered to take them to do something this afternoon - but he has something he has to do and can't go out this afternoon. Now she wants to go out with him tonight and skip the family plans.  She has been yelling at me, swearing at me, telling me she refuses to go. "It isn't fair", "Im not going, you cant make me", "Why can't I skip this one time" . (BTW we became friends with this other family because their son is her classmate and friend).  She is complaining that her brother gets to skip sometimes and we don't make him go - he is a sophomore in college, he participates in family game night on occasion.   I told her she can see him tomorrow, but she now claims he is going away for the day.   She has calmed down somewhat - since I refused to talk about it when she was yelling at me.  I told her we would talk about it later ... .but I am dreading another out of control confrontation when she doesn't get her way.  Any and all advise is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DharmaGate]

Welcome,  

I do not know the answer to this, but i could start out brainstorming and hopefully other people could jump in, coming up with different options, as i don't think there is one right answer.  But different ways, styles to approach this.

Could you tell us a little about your daughter and your families interaction?  Especially things that have worked? Has the therapist given ideas in the past?

I am inclined lately just to say truthfully what is going on with me.  i would also be tempted to say you can go tonight if you go to the dbt appointment next week.  Something like i am exhausted with this fighting, i want you to go to the appointment next week, you want to go see your boyfriend.  we both need support in this, why not make a trade.  This could totally be the wrong approach no idea!  i can see problems with it, what if she does not go next week ect,  

Anyway mostly saying hi and welcome.  i was encouraged to stick around, get to know the site and people, so when the next crisis hits I'd have support.  It was excellent advice.

For me just writing out responses to peoples questions, i often come up with a clear picture of whats happening.

So glad you are here!

[StressedOutDaily]

Thank you -
As of right now nothing has worked... .she is getting out of control.  Her diagnosis is recent - I say it is a relief because at least we have a diagnosis and some pathways to try, and maybe with time and treatment hope.

I hesitate to say if you promise to go to therapy, we will let you go with your bf, because I know next week that promise will be long forgotten - and she will most likely say - "I never said that!"  

Life in our home is extremely stressful, always walking on eggshells.  She was all for going yesterday, but something better came up and now she is claiming that she will feel "threatened" by sitting in the same room with her friend.   Claiming that he shoots her with nerf guns when she doesn't do what he wants.  Of course last weekend she spent the afternoon hanging out with him, playing video games, etc... .had a great time - never mentioned anything.  She now claims she said nothing because I would never believe her.    

She stopped seeing her psychologist a few months ago (she refused to go, and the therapist said maybe taking a break for a bit would be okay since she was no longer getting anything out of it, and she suggested DBT therapy) - she had been working with her since 5th grade when diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.  I have been looking for a DBT therapist - I found a practice, but she has not been yet.  I signed up for Family Connections, and I am on the waiting list.  

Its great to have found this site... .we have not shared any of our DD issues with any friends or family for fear of them judging harshly our DD... .so life has been very stressful and somewhat lonely.  

[Only Human]

Hello StressedOutDaily,

Along with DharmaGate, I welcome you to BPD Family. While I'm sorry for what brings you here, I'm glad you came here for support. Many parents will relate to what you've written, you are not alone.

It's great that you set a boundary with your DD, "we'll talk if you're not yelling at me." And you've committed to talking about it later. I can relate to dreading a confrontation, a picking up where you left off thing. It's what kept me from going back to talk later, as I'd promised. Not a good strategy, as pwBPD (people with BPD) tend to not trust others, it's important we do what we say we are going to do.

So how do you get through this conversation? We have lots of tools here, ways to communicate differently with our children that can help end the cycle of conflict. The tool that comes to mind is S.E.T. It's one of the links in this post, How to Get the Most Out of This Site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0

We also talk a lot about validating our loved one's feelings, it helps them to know they are being heard, that their feelings are OK. In your case, it might sound something like this, "I know how disappointed you are that you can't see your bf today."

Have a look at the S.E.T. pop up and feel free to come back here to brainstorm what you think you might say. We can work it out together.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[Only Human]

Hi again,

You posted while I was typing

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this without the support of friends or family, that you fear your DD will be judged harshly. I understand that fear. Most who have not loved a pwBPD can't understand and, though their hearts are in the right place, often offer unhelpful, but well-meaning, advice. I hope in time, as you learn new skills and you feel more confident, that you will share with some trusted people, so you can get support in real life.

In the meantime, and always, we are here to lift you up when you are down - to listen and relate. We've all been there, we get it.

You're in a tough spot right now, I can see that. Many parents come here in desperation and, with work and time, learning the tools and sharing here, they have improved their relationships. Myself included. Change won't come overnight and it begins with us. pwBPD are challenged in their thinking, we must be the rational voice in the midst of chaos.

~ OH

[StressedOutDaily]

Thank you ... .I appreciate the link to the pop ups... .I have been scanning the site, had not read those yet (some reading and listening for later tonight)

So after hours of getting yelled at, sworn at... .I texted the BF's mother to say - Thank you for inviting DD, however we have family plans - is there anyway they can get together tomorrow?   Of course DD accuses me of lying that I didn't write that... .
BF's mom writes back  Yes we knew about the plans, your DD said she couldn't go with us tonight.  BF asked her if she wanted to go with us for the day tomorrow.      

So I very gently told her  what BF mom said... .DD doesn't deny that she already told BF she couldn't go but says she didn't know about tomorrow, BF didn't invite her (yet).  

Now she is like a different kid... .all smiles.

Of course DH and I are rung out at this point - after being yelled at, accused of being liers, sworn at, told she never wanted to live in this F@# house, we aren't her parents... .(DD adopted at 9mo) .     20 yo son comes home from work in the middle of all this and hides out in his room.  

[Only Human]

When I found BPD Family last year I was emotionally exhausted, wrung out as you say. My DD25 can also be quite vicious with her words, and they hurt. My goal at BPD family was to stop taking what she says so personally. Although I'm sorry other families are experiencing the same treatment from their children, it does help to know it's not about me... .it's about DD's emotional immaturity. Yesterday I told my T (therapist), "She's like a temper tantrum throwing toddler." My T nodded, yep. It helps to understand the emotion behind the behavior. That's what I'm learning here.

You know the truth, she does as well, she's just not able to see it in that moment. In that moment, she's throwing a temper tantrum. The difference between her toddler tantrums and her teen tantrums is that she knows what hurts the most. A toddler screams, "I hate you!" and we can easily think, "she's angry at me, frustrated, tired, hungry, etc. She doesn't mean it." A teen is much more skilled verbally, and they have the benefit of many more years of testing out how to get the biggest reaction. It helps to become bullet-proof  

Has she changed her mind about attending game night?

~ OH

[StressedOutDaily]

OH - yup, put on fake nails, changed her clothes - is all ready to go! Like the last 4 stress-filled hours never happened... .

I started seeing a T a few months ago, I need to have someone to talk with because I was becoming someone I did not like very much.   I started coming down stairs about 45 minutes before everyone else does in the am,  I meditate for about 10 minutes ( just learning), write down 10 things I am greatful for, read for a bit and have some quiet time with my coffee and cat.   I have found that I am dealing with things a little better... .  the mornings are less stressful.

One step at a time.
On my list tomorrow will be this site - and the helpful community here!

Well gotta go- off to game night

[Only Human]

It's so great that you're on top of self-care. Your morning routine, seeing a T, coming here - check, check, check!

Onward!

~ OH

[Only Human]

Hi StressedOutDaily,

Wondering how you all are doing?

~ OH

[smallbluething]

Hi StressedOutDaily

I'm a newbie here but found a lot of the BPD resources really helpful - especially the stuff about how to handle difficult discussions and conflicts with BPD family members. I also just want to add my welcome - I hope with the help of the people and resources here your life and relationship with your daughter can get a little easier.

Your morning sanity-restoring routine sounds like a great idea by the way!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StressedOutDaily]

It's been "relatively" good the past few days, thank you for asking OH.  No major blowups since Saturday.     This site is great, reading as much as I can on here when I have time and I have ordered some books from Amazon.  Lots of resources here - glad I found it.

[Only Human]

I'm glad you found us too, and remember feeling the same - also wishing I'd found BPD Family sooner!

In case you haven't come across it yet, we have a book thread with previews and discussions. Here's a link:

Libray: Book Club, previews and discussions

Please keep us posted on how you're doing!

~ OH

[StressedOutDaily]

My daughter is meeting with her DBT Therapist as I write... .  This is her first appointment.  She was supposed to go a week and a half ago, but adamantly refused.  Today she wasn't thrilled to go - but agreeable, so I think that is a win.  From what I have read, and what the therapist has said, is usually if you can get the teen in the door to the first appointment, most of the time they will agree to treatment. Fingers crossed.
Tomorrow evening my husband and I are going to our first support group meeting for family members of those with DBT - run by another therapist from the same practice. 
I have been reading BPD in Adolescents and trying my best (with the very little knowledge I have) to not be invalidating of my daughter. 
I am feeling hopeful today  - thanks for asking OH!

[Only Human]

Awesome to hear! You're on it, StressedOutDaily! It's great you have a local support group, and one that's run by a T from the same practice. Sounds like they've got a pretty good program. When my DD was an adolescent, she attended Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) three days a week with two T's. The parents met once a week with the same T's. It was really great to have everyone on the same team.

Thanks for keeping us posted, I look forward to hearing more!

~ OH

[Mirsa]

Hi there,

My daughter was totally out of control at ages 15 and 16:  drugs, lying, stealing, smoking, pot, alcohol, promiscuity... .you name it.  The tantrums and drama at home when I set a limit were insane.  Fortunately, I was able to participate in a three-day training at work about descalation techniques and that really helped me to deal with her.  I alternated between two approaches:  one was super calm, soft voice, quiet responses, and doing the broken-record method (repeating my statement over and over).  Another approach worked well too, and that was mirroring back to her her own childish behavior, but with extra flair.  She would yell, "I can take it anymore!  You are being so unfair!"  and I would say back, "No!  YOU are being SO unfair to ME and I am going to suck my thumb and cry in a corner right now!"  (add some playful melodramatic voices to this).  She would then yell, "Stop that!  I hate it when you do that!"  and I would say, "No, You stop it!  I hate it when YOU do that!  Waaah!"   Somehow... .this worked.  She would see that she was being absolutely ridiculous and having a tantrum, and I would have basically used humor and teasing to show her how ridiculous she was being.  Now I'll confess, sometimes I couldn't do it, because I was tired and mad about her being a bullying jerk.  But, it did help quite a bit, and she realized her theatrics were not working.  Either way, I think it's important for us to respond in a way that shows them that their bullying tactics do NOT work.  If they are successful, then they just keep using them, so no matter what, when she would engage in that time of behavior, I would wait her out and make sure she didn't get what she wanted.

By age 17, she was calmer and started to turn it around.  She's still an A-hole (sorry, but it's true), but at least the drama, theatrics, and tantrums have abated for the most part.

Good luck!