Adult daughter with BPD...help

[afaith1]

This is going to be a long post. My 20 year old daughter has BPD and substance abuse issues. First a little about me... .I am 40 and have been on disability since 27 for social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression. I live in housing and can only have people on the lease live with me or I could be evicted. Also my lease states no cigarette smoking or vaping on property and of course no drugs. I follow the lease to a T because housing is so important for me or I couldn't afford to live. My 20 year old Daughter was great all through her adolescence and then after starting college at 18 she started experimenting with drugs and alcohol and it went downhill from there. She was recently diagnosed with BPD and ADHD. Over the past two years she has drank more and more and experienced a lot of blackouts when drinking. She dropped out of college, barely works and still seems to make going out and drinking her top priority. About two months ago she and her boyfriend moved in with his father. She began cheating on her boyfriend with the father and eventually the boyfriend left her after beating up his father for what they did. She started drinking daily after the boyfriend left. She was cutting and attempted to overdose on pills. She went to the mental hospital but refused to stay. She then moved in with another man who shortly kicked her out in the middle of the night. She showed up begging to come back so I let her move back home. Her life is so full of drama and chaos. She is very promiscuous and pretty much will sleep with anyone when drunk. Having her around me makes my anxiety so much worse. I am on a fixed income and cant' financially take care of her . She is only working 4 hours per week for minimum wage. She spends all her paycheck instead of buying food or helping me with bills while she is here. I don't want to add her to my lease because I am afraid that will make her bring all her chaos here and get us in trouble with my landlord. I know there is no easy answer to all of this. I'm trying to be there for her because I love her but I also need to protect my own mental health. My question is am I horrible mother to make her leave? She would likely end up in a homeless shelter from her choices.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello afaith1

Welcome to the family  I'm glad you've joined us though sorry what has brought you here, dealing with your daughter's drama and chaos. I think you are very wise to take seriously your housing situation and protect your mental health and financial situation. You clearly love your daughter, you are in a difficult situation so no you are not a horrible mother for asking her to leave because of the circumstances you describe, as they say we have to put our oxygen mask on first.

How long has your DD been home with you? Have you been able to talk with her about her struggles, does she recognise she's in crisis?

I'm glad you've come here for support as you navigate your way forward.

WDx

[afaith1]

Over the past year she has lived here on and off for a month at a time. This time it's been a month so far that she has been here. She doesn't recognize that she is in crisis. She tries to justify all of her actions and doesn't see her behavior as bad or irresponsible. It's impossible to help her when she doesn't want to be helped.

[Mirsa]

Here is my belief that I'll share, and take from it what you like, and leave the rest:

When I got pregnant, I entered into a contract with this little human to love and care for her for 18-20 years.  I agreed that I would put her needs before my own during this time period.   Now that contract is fulfilled and I have a life to live and I deserve happiness.  I deserve peace and safety and all the wonderful things that this life can bring to me.   Some will disagree with me, but I don't believe that I entered into a lifelong contract to put someone else's needs before my own.  It has an expiration date.  Our children also have their own destinies, their own wills, freedom of choice... .to think that we can control them is an illusion.  The time has come for me to allow her to walk her own path, with all the positives and negative consequences that come from her actions.  To do otherwise would be to deny her the fullness of her own life experience.  I choose to release her to her own will, her own Higher Power, and her own destiny.  I wish all the best for her, but she must find her own way, and the time has come for me to enjoy these later years of my life... .in peace.

[Manifest32f]

I completely agree with Mirsa. We have done whatever we set out to do by caring for our children with love and tenderness al through their life in to their adulthood. It’s now time to slowly withdraw from sole responsibility to independence and look forward to spending some time doing whatever we put on the back burner while we were busy caring for our children. We need to remember that and remind each other when we face any kind of self doubt.

Thanks to everyone for the great support I receive here every time I visit here! Love you & take care!