Finally understanding that the race was fixed and I COULD NOT have won

[cesk]

Hi all, am new here. Just realized with a therapist last week my dad is uBPD, mother is probably narcissistic or at least very low self-esteem, (maternal grandfather alcoholic).

I have known since my 20's that my upbringing was not emotionally healthy, and have done therapy on and off, but only just last week (in my early 50s now) grasped with help from a therapist that my dad IS definitely borderline. (Have not totally figured out mom yet.)  It is really revolutionary because I have been feeling stuck, anxious and depressed for years, despite having a perfectly good life in so many ways. Finally understanding that the race was fixed and I COULD NOT have won-- is really making a difference. And grasping so many features of being an adult child--having difficulty accepting nurturing (esp. from myself!), mistrusting/fearing success and happiness, etc. etc.  Reading Surviving a Borderline Parent now and highlighting a LOT.  And finding the Surviving to Thriving manual helpful too, though I am really somewhere in the middle of the steps, not in crisis with parents or life, and in a good marriage with a supportive partner and in-laws.  But still very unhappy and finally know that it is because I have been playing by the rules of a BPD parent and an accommodating mother with her own issues, though I am not sure what exactly, besides being an adult child in her own right.

Just realizing on a deep level that it might be OK for me to come in out of the rain finally and let myself feel fulfilled and happy.  Most of the worst things that happened in my family were not targeted at me but other siblings, so no major physical abuse, and we did have a relatively stable home life (no drugs, sexual abuse, extreme poverty or other major trauma). But still, going from "My dad was kind of unstable and immature" to "my dad had full blown BPD and dealt with stress by threatening violence or suicide, raging, blaming/shaming us, etc." seems to be a BIG step in terms of understanding why I still really struggle with some things that most mid-lifers have figure out by now...

Now to figure out how to allow myself to step out of the desert that is my inner world and allow myself to participate in life more fully and to finally start to free that scared kid who thinks that survival = putting everyone else first and belittling her own needs/wants/wishes/quirks.  

What is the type of relationship?  
Father very likely uBPD, no known HX of trauma,
Mother, abuse survivor, with alcoholic, possible BPD father (my maternal GF)  I know he was a rager- weekly on payday when he came home so drunk all his 6 kids would go to bed in their shared bedroom at 4pm.)

What is the status of the relationship?  
Father: no contact (unless I forget to check caller ID on Christmas Day) :\
Mother: So she had a stroke, then dad dumped her in a nursing home and went off and got remarried, and I moved her near me. She lives in assisted living but I manage her financial affairs, go to some medical appts., otherwise limit contact to holidays and events and do not get emotionally entangled in her everyday dramas.  

How is the current status working for you?
Dad exhibited some appalling behavior after mom's stroke so my sister and I do not speak to him or see him. This works just great. Just talking on the phone feels like a Monty Python skit so I don't bother.
Mom: Stroke always seems to exacerbate issues, I'm told. I've managed to learn good boundary setting with mom from this experience though--, telling her when I think she is capable of dealing with problems on her own, or that I cannot deal with a problem so she will have to find another source of help, even pointing out to her that her saying things to like "I remember you!" when we see each other is manipulative and meant to be guilt-inducing, and that I do not appreciate it and am not going to fall for it. So I am OK right now, even though I know she would like to spend hours of quality time together each day watching Alaskan Bush People.  

Only sad because after my son was born and they retired, they were enjoying being more hands-on grandparents, and helping us out as they could with house projects and a little child care (albeit on a very short leash).

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
With dad- Just knowing that as he nears 80 his time may be short and I can't seem to be able to forgive him or even really talk to him. He just makes me sick b/c of some really awful stuff he pulled around the time of mom's stroke. I can't get past it. Plus he posts really hateful stuff on FB. I just cannot stomach him even though I CAN talk calmly and straight and him and he will listen calmly and act agreeable, though he clings to his lies. Then he will hang up the phone and break whatever agreement he just made with me or dash ANY tiny little trust I just put in him.  So I lose little by not talking to him, though I know he is sad that he does not get to see or hear about his grandson.

With mom- some cognitive decline seems to be setting in and I can see this getting ugly so am starting to look into other care options as her current AL can't really deal with it if it gets worse. It is hard because I know she is kind of helpless and could not bring myself to leave her in a depressing NH far from family where dad left her, but do not have the emotional ability to attend to her as much as she would like.  She is too self-centered, and I have a hard time stomaching it. I am fine with helping her toilet, but not when we just waited 45 minutes for dinner to arrive and as soon as it is set on the table she suddenly needs to go, while my food gets cold. There is no time when I visit her that this type of thing does NOT happen. I set boundaries fine now but I feel like in my current emotional state I give her as MUCH as I can. I don't think I can do more and am actually thinking of moving her near to another sibling in a different state before her cognitive decline makes that REALLY hard. She has been here 10 years.

Would love to hear from people with similar issues. I am lucky my siblings have mostly made some effort to deal with their emotional aftermath and to be close so I can talk to them. The hardest part is that since we did not have visible issues like a suicide attempt or bruises or police calls to alert the world to the problem, that most people tell us we are exaggerating when we discuss our parents and our emotional baggage. I asked my husband, and he says I never told him in nearly 20 years together that my dad threatened suicide when upset or stressed. We learned not to discuss it, which may be why I never disclosed details to therapists over the years and got this insight into my dad's behavior. But even writing this and remembering my aunt's stories about grandpa's drunken rages is making me see my mom's issues in a new light.

Realizing I did not answer all ?s- it is really useful so I will do it if only for myself:

How would you categorize your loved one?
I touched on this.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Being really close to my family, sticking with friendships through inevitable hurts, feeling safe with myself. I don't even allow myself much fun. I will attain balance, stronger self-compassion and self-understanding, and better relationship skills, plus enjoy life more, and because I am stronger, will be able to give more to my community.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Connecting with some peers to work on goal-setting, reality-checking and sharing. Celebrate progress and commiserate setbacks.
Just reading your stories is SO powerful.  I feel like I could have written so many of the sentences I see on this page...

[Harri]

Hi cesk 

Thanks for posting and sharing your story with us.  As you read, you are in the company of people who understand and share many of your experiences.  emotional abuse is devastating and can have serious affects as well including depression, low self worth and the things you mentioned.   Many of us currently posting can definitely relate to that as well. 

It sounds like you have a good handle on boundaries and are able to deal with your mother and some of her difficult behaviors.  It is hard when a parent wants/expects so much more than we can give (but watching alaskan bush people?  that made me laugh!)  We also have a few people who are currently dealing with caring for an elderly parent while coming to terms with this.

Posting here when you are doing okay and not in crisis is actually a great time to post as you have a chance to breathe while digesting the diagnosis and learning about the disorder and working on recovery. 

I am so glad you feel safe enough to come in out of the rain and join us here.  Your line "Finally understanding that the race was fixed and I COULD NOT have won" really caught my attention as it is something I can relate to very much.  I still have to remind myself that I was given a losing hand and accepting that has actually been very freeing for me... though I have to remind myself of that as I tend to think if only I had known earlier...

Anyway, you also said: 

What do you struggle with yourself?
Being really close to my family, sticking with friendships through inevitable hurts, feeling safe with myself. I don't even allow myself much fun. I will attain balance, stronger self-compassion and self-understanding, and better relationship skills, plus enjoy life more, and because I am stronger, will be able to give more to my community.

Can you elaborate a bit on these things?  How can we help you?  Have you had a chance to look at the Lessons at the top of the board?

I hope you settle in and post more and feel free to jump into other threads.  You have found a safe place where you will be supported and accepted and even challenged as you work on healing. 

Welcome!   

[cesk]

Thanks for doing this and for letting me know. I will follow your suggestion.

 I am looking through the lessons and starting to journal with this new awareness. 

As for how I struggle with myself, where to start?  It's moment to moment, I am realizing. Looking at my reactions to even small things and seeing my reactions in a whole new light.  Looking at my whole life with different lenses, understanding so many feelings and behaviors differently. Even able to see my faults more clearly because they are not evidence of my worthlessness, but detritus of my upbringing, plus of just being human. I am just watching my brain and feelings and getting insights about their roots in my FOO.

I think what I most need is to work on developing a kind relationship with myself, to make the time and effort to figure out more about who I really am and why I won't let that person out, but try to keep her locked up and hidden away. She is really pretty harmless I think and the worst she may do is make a bit of a mess with her fingerpaints... But I don't let her paint.  I learned the rulebook very well and don't need my parents to keep me "in line" any more, I do it myself. As a result I am not very happy. I am not suicidal but have found myself wondering what the point is if I cannot enjoy life at all.  This is what sent me back to therapy and got me to this point, so I see it as a positive development recognizing the BPD and other issues.  It is finally an answer to "What is wrong with me?" 

But the changes I need are subtle.  I have a great resistance to self-care of any sort.  I would like to understand why I have such a hard time with that. It seems small; it is not giving up drugs, just going for walks or eating more veggies (which I LOVE). I am even now trying to minimize it. I keep listing the deleting the things I want to do more of: walks, photography, meditation retreats. Ashamed to admit I want these "frivolous" things. NEED them. It is really about allowing myself to be a full human being, and not just a servant of everyone else's needs who turns off when there is not a need to respond to.  That is what I do now. I turn off with Netflix or a book.  I ignore myself.  I have dreams about abandoned lost children all the time.  But at this point I am the abandoner of myself.  No one is abusing me. 

[Harri]

   Hello again!

I think what I most need is to work on developing a kind relationship with myself, to make the time and effort to figure out more about who I really am and why I won't let that person out, but try to keep her locked up and hidden away.

I am working on this too.  It has been a long struggle but I think I am making progress.  Writing here has really helped me with that as people offer a different perspective of how I see myself.  Trying to be open to that though can be tough and it takes time.  The hardest part for me was knowing it was okay to be open to change.  Does that resonate at all?

I think and the worst she may do is make a bit of a mess with her fingerpaints... But I don't let her paint.

Sounds to me like you need to practice breaking some rules.  We can help you with that by cheering you on.  Hell, I will be your partner in crime!    I am not making light of this... I mean it. 

I am not suicidal but have found myself wondering what the point is if I cannot enjoy life at all.  This is what sent me back to therapy and got me to this point, so I see it as a positive development recognizing the BPD and other issues.  It is finally an answer to "What is wrong with me?"

I have that thought a lot too when i am feeling depressed.  Something, a stubbornness or determination and take not prisoners attitude, keeps me going.  I am glad you are in therapy and are reaching out here.  It is amazing how much an online support group can help.  It is most definitely a positive development!

It seems small

It is not small at all.  It is easy to identify the big issues and once you do the issue is usually pretty clear as is access to help.  (I am not saying that revcovery is easy at all as I know it is not).  The 'small' things that are so deeply embedded in every aspect of us are so hard to see and because they seem small it seems silly to focus on them.  I don't think any of what you want is frivolous.  The small things build up to an unbearable weight sometimes.  Walking, photography and walking and veggies sound good and healthy. 

You would not tell anyone else not to do these things and you would not expect them to stop so why do it to yourself?

[cesk]

Thanks Harri. I would love to have a rule-breaking partner in crime. I am in the process of coming to grasp that what comes from inside of me is perhaps actually OK, even if messy and not pleasing to everyone else. I have been "opting out" of a life where I just ask too much of myself, exist to please others, and never listen to my own needs, with underemployment, ignoring housework, etc. and now I recognize that it is not because I am lazy and worthless, but because my IC has just said "enough."  Some of this is good as I taught my  son to do his own laundry and cook a bit, but there are parts that are not so good, that of course trigger shame.  She may not be getting what she needs, but she is also not going along with the model my parents set for me--and I had been continuing loyally--of the slave driver who never lets the slave rest.  I can feel the reaction inside, saying, WELL Miss High-and-Mighty, we will show YOU who is in charge here. You can just sit there ALL DAY if you won't eat your (disgusting overcooked) oatmeal and then clean up your brother's vomit.  

So we are at a bit of a stand-off.  Working on moving out of that controlling and shaming mindset but of course putting her needs first was truly dangerous in my family so it is very hard to let myself do it.  Letting her break a rule or do something my parents could not tolerate was asking for a raging or a beating or a very deeply wounding shaming that went to my core. That is obviously not true now, though emotionally I am pretty good at recreating it. And of seeing it all around me, even if imaginary. And of not standing up to it when I do see inappropriate treatment from others.  That is I guess how I keep

 I think just some experimental rule breaking might help show her that she is really safe to make some messes. But the "grown up" (I guess that means wounded self) part of me is yelling that until I get a "real job" and "act like a grown up" (I am a freelancer and have a masters degree I am not using) I do not merit these things.  That fun and frivolous stuff is for people who have gotten the important stuff out of the way first. If you are not even TRYING to do the important stuff, you have no RIGHT to get out your watercolors.  I heard my whole childhood that I was irresponsible.  (I had inattentive ADD I now know, in addition to all the messed up emotional stuff happening to me).   So it is really breaking the mold for my whole life.  Not easy.  But exactly what needs to happen.  I need to learn to operate from MY needs FIRST.  Instead of acting as if the only reality that matters is what others want or think...

OK, what rule am I going to break today?  Maybe some non-dominant hand-writing?  We moved and my art and craft stuff is in storage but maybe I just need to break another rule and buy some new stuff for myself...  It's is not just scary. It is more than that.  Dangerous I guess.

I am a verbal processor and type fast enough that it works as a proxy, so thanks for giving me an opportunity to put this into words. It is really helpful.

I can see that my parents were denied the little stuff, and threatened by it when we tried to have it. I used to think of him as a para-alcoholic because I knew my grandpa was an alcoholic but now I think maybe grandpa was a BPD/alcoholic. I even saw him raging. Once when I was visiting as a child, we were playing with a little plastic dinner set and making a feast out of leftover Thanksgiving stuffing on the kitchen table. Out of the blue he decided he'd had "enough" and came in and angrily motioned sweeping the whole "mess" off the table (he could not talk at that point due to throat cancer from decades of heavy smoking). We were not hurting a thing and were having the time of our lives.  Grandma and mom came in and made us clean up right away, then sent us to sit quietly somewhere and read. I guess this is what my mom grew up with. Probably worse, he was old and pretty sick at that point. (Still smoked though!)

This is alot of stuff so don't feel you have to reply to it all, as it really just helps to pour it out and have ah-hahs as I type.

Also, I have done some Inner Bonding work which I have found VERY helpful (founder's mother was BPD), and I JUST found out a facilitator is coming to do a workshop in my town. Thank you, universe!

and thank YOU for being welcoming and understanding!