venting - 16DD and Boyfriend

[StressedOutDaily]

Friday night we took our 16yo DD and her 18yo BF to a local college Basketball game.  They were seating a few rows in back of my husband and I...about 15 minutes into the game I noticed they were missing.  I check Find Friends on the phone and saw they were elsewhere on campus.  I figured they were looking to find a place to be alone ..(I was not happy about that, but it was only about 30 degrees and being a teen, she wasn't dressed for the weather so I thought they wont be out long). I texted her and no answer.  At halftime time my husband went out to see if they could find them.  He texted me to come out we were leaving.   When I got outside my daughter was sobbing, the BF was gone. 

What I found out on our ride home - while waiting for the game to begin the BF asked to see DD's phone and said he would break up with her if she didn't give it to him.  He saw messages from other boys - a little flirting, nothing even remotely over the line.  Told her it was over and walked out of the gym...she followed, they fought.   I guess she tried to run in front of a car on the road, he tried stopping her.  He called some friends to come get him. She told us one of the friends told him to let her kill herself - she wasn't worth the trouble and the BF's response was "Your right, but her parents are here and will blame me!"     *** she later said she didn't actually run in front of the car - only along the side  - not sure what is true, we watched her very carefully all weekend. Played musical beds - she slept with me, hubby in her room, although she said she didn't want to live, she did nothing to harm herself*****
When we got home she kept trying to contact him, to apologize and beg him to take her back.  She kept telling me she did nothing wrong this time -  He  threatens to break up with her every couple of weeks (for things like boys hitting on her - boys talking to her).  Eventually she spoke with him on the phone - and had him on speaker (why I don't know but its good so I can hear what he says)  He told her he was tired of her f#%% S&&* - she doesn't respect him because she talks to boys he doesn't approve of and doesn't do what he says. Last week she was out in front of our house talking to 2 boys, she video called him and he ORDERED her to go in the house.  She didn't, he got upset and threatened to break up with her.   He told her she hurt him with her disrespect and he couldn't trust her and he resents her.  She sobbed and begged...(it was absolutely heartbreaking to listen to) . He told her she was a "Piece of S*&^ and he hoped she didn't sleep all night and that she pulled out her hair and picked at her skin, thinking about how she hurt him" , then hung up.  She cried and cried and kept saying how she didn't want to live, how she was worthless, etc... I really wanted to drive over to his house and wring his neck...   Saturday came, and she was right back at trying to get in touch with him.  Texting, calling, etc...  I tried calmly talking with her about how no one should say those things to her, that a healthy relationship isn't like that.  Said she has lots of examples of healthy relationships - me and her dad,  & others.  Even when we are upset with each other we don't say mean and hurtful things... All right over her head..."But I Love him", I can't live without him.  Her friends don't like him,  he is polite to adults, but not very nice when he thinks no one else is around.  A huge BS artist - all of which she believes.     
We have a house rule - no cell phone after 9pm and no regular phone after 10pm.(A rule the therapist said we need to stick with)  BF knows the rule, I wasn't sure he did, however he made some rude comment about it when talking with her this weekend, so I now know that he does, and why almost every night there is a fight at 10 for her to get off the phone.  He keeps her on it until after 10 on purpose.  Saturday night no exception - all day he wouldn't talk to her until 8:55 and then he answers her call on the cell phone... So an hour of her sobbing and begging - can't get the cell phone away from her, she is screaming and swearing at us. Threatening to run away if we take the phone, run away if we say anything to him.  He says "no won't take you back", she begs, cries...then at 10:15 says I'll think about it... phone call ends... OMG!   Sunday a replay of Saturday - she texts him all day, he then said he would call her at 9.  I took the cell phone at 9,  he didn't call her so she called him on the regular phone at 9:15- the same crap again. Crying, Begging Pleading...he says "I love you but I resent you, you hurt me, no one will ever love you like I do, but you F#$% it up."  We tried getting the phone at 10- same screaming swearing, etc..    I told her I was turning off the phone - say goodbye...its a wifi phone - so I shut it off.   Of course that brought on her wrath...she wanted me to give her the cell phone so she could text him goodnight - which I would not do.  After yelling and swearing at me for 15 minutes and telling me she would never talk to me again,  she stormed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.  My bedroom!  She isn't going to talk to me but she will sleep with me . LOL.   Somehow all her anger is usually directed at me, her Dad usually escapes most of her wrath..
Snow day today - and the day started with the same crap...but then she gave him her passwords to all of her social media so he can check up on her and he graciously agreed to take her back.   She is on cloud 9 - I am not!
I have so many emotions right now.  The kid is a classic abuser - which I am very worried about, but she doesn't see it.  I'm sure this will all be replayed again in a week or two (hopefully not with the car though)  All of what he does just exasperates her BPD issues...
Thank you for listening...we have not shared DD's issues with family or friends - they just would not get it.  So I am very grateful that I found this community.  Just writing this out makes me feel a little better. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbluething]

The BF sounds awful - a real run-a-mile abusive type. It must be so hard that she doesn't see it. the manipulative aspect (eg  timing of phone calls) is very creepy.

I am fortunate in that my DD's BF is a sweet guy but she treats *him* poorly (his Mum has BPD so I guess he's kind of used to it).

[Only Human]

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD's BF's treatment of her. When my DD was 14, she had a 16-year-old BF who sounds very similar to this. It's heartbreaking to witness, I know. Like you, I wanted to wring his neck!

As you said, she doesn't see that the way he's treating her is abusive. Active listening with empathy, validating her feelings, remaining firm with your house rules, like you did by turning off the wi-fi phone, are the things I would encourage here.

Listen with Empathy

Validate the Valid

Some other suggestions - if you have parental controls, you may want to look into the cell phone cutting off at 9pm. Come to think of it, that may not work if a call is already in progress. Just throwing stuff out here - I really like how you disabled the wi-fi phone. The less conversation/arguing about the phone, the better.

My heart really goes out to you, SOD, you're dealing with so much and I hope you are remembering to take good care of yourself.

I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing/venting here. We truly understand, without judgment, and getting things out is helpful. My family and friends try to "get it" but they don't really. How could they unless they've lived it? We are here, listening, caring about you.

~ OH

[Mirsa]

Hi,

I just want to preface this by saying that I always try to avoid doing this with my teenage daughters, but they know that in an extreme situation, I would...forbid them to interact with someone who is harmful for them.  She is still 16 and as a parent, I tell them, my #1 job at this time of their lives is to make sure they are safe.  This is why they cannot go to parties, drive with someone I don't know, go on Tinder, etc. etc. etc.   She is obviously not safe with this individual.  If he were 21, or a drug-dealer, or had a history of physical violence, it would make is so much easier and clear-cut.  But, it might be time to exercise the nuclear option and really consider stepping in and saying that this person is not healthy or safe for her and she is no longer allowed to see him or communicate with him in any way. 

This would also allow her to blame you for breaking ties with him completely, giving her an excuse for cutting him off.  It would show her that you are still in charge of the people who live in your home.  It would model for her how unacceptable this behavior and really reinforce in a very concrete way that she deserves to be treated with respect, love and kindness. 

I have a DD15 and a DD17 so I truly do understand that you will undergo a period of fireworks and rage with her.  However, if it isn't this issue, it will be another issue at one point or another, where you must draw the line in the sand.  This might be a good situation to take a stand on, for her own safety and benefit.  Don't be afraid to consider some tough love and firm parenting.

Best wishes,
Mirsa