Learning to facilitate a healthy relationship

[MidnightSun]

Hi there. This is my first time here and as such my first post.
I was drawn to this site because I am in a relationship with someone with BPD. We have been friends and more for over 7 years, but have now recently become engaged. She was diagnosed with BPD a little over a year ago. Since then we have both been making the effort to learn more about the illness.

As of late, I have been struggling emotionally with her BPD. She is currently at a state where the illness is not mentioned, she is not involved in therapy, and she is not practicing any healthy coping mechanisms - but all the while her behaviors are worsening. For me, one of the biggest struggles I am facing are her intense outbursts. I know the drill, as I'm sure many of us do... Intense bouts of rage, brutal verbal attacks, extreme placement of guilt. She basically has something negative to say about almost everything I do. She belittles me and talks down to me. She is generally angry and often times yelling at me. In the same breath, she will tell me I'm too sensitive, that I make everything about me, that I am acting like a small child. As she dismisses my feelings and emotions, she accuses me of not caring about hers. She tells me any time she shares the way she feels, I invalidate her or tell her she's wrong. Now, knowing what I know about the disease, I am aware of the fact that she is not entirely wrong. But you have to understand, that when she is "sharing her feelings" what it consistently comes out as is her telling me how I'm failing or how I'm feeling. "You don't love me. You don't care about me or my feelings. You don't pay attention to me. You're not trying. You were only interested in the chase, and now that you have me you don't care anymore." I'm struggling SO HARD to not be defensive or explanatory. I basically cannot stop myself from trying to defend myself - Yes I do love you! Of course I care about your feelings, I want you to share them with me! I do nothing BUT pay attention to you! All I do is try! Unfortunately, these rebuttals fall on deaf ears and only serve to make things worse.

My other struggle is to not point out her shortcomings, or the ways in which she is hurting me. She ignores me all day while I'm at work. She never expresses gratitude for anything, instead only tells me I'm not doing enough or the things I am doing aren't good enough. She tells me I always make myself the victim, but in reality, she sets me up to be defensive and never takes responsibility for anything. Her words, especially during an episode, are cutting and venomous. She tells me I am worthless, I am a horrible human being, I am pathetic. She tells me she can't stand me and doesn't love me and threatens to leave. She name calls and strives to shame me in every way. It is heart breaking. I have a hard time reminding myself that she doesn't necessarily mean these things when she is saying them. I have an even harder time not hearing them repeat in my head after they've been said.

She also has a need to be right ALL THE TIME. I can handle this. I know it helps her self esteem, helps her to feel needed and useful. But she can't just be right. She has to be right, and everyone else has to be wrong. She has to belittle everyone else in order to prove her superiority. This applies even to opinions on things. If I say a picture is cute, she says it is hideous and I'm ridiculous for thinking otherwise. If I cook dinner, I do a horrible job and she could have done it better. Only she knows how to properly wash a dish. If I put something away, I put it in the wrong spot or did it wrong. But at the same time, I don't help enough. It is infuriating.

On top of all of this, she has pain issues. She was at one point diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Her back and most of her body hurt constantly. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as well. As a result, she is often sick, or at least feels sick. She will stay in bed for days at a time. She constantly complains about feeling in pain or feeling sick. I sympathize and even empathize with these feelings. My issue is that she does nothing to combat them. She doesn't see her doctors. She doesn't go to physical therapy. She sometimes doesn't even take her medicine properly. She eats poorly and keeps horrible sleeping hours - going a day or more without sleep, followed by several days without getting out of bed. She doesn't work. And while she sometimes exhibits signs that she feels bad about it, she makes zero effort to try to find any sort of a job.
Finally, she is just never satisfied. Nothing ever seems to be enough for her. From monetary items, to emotional support, to intimacy... She is never happy. Unless we are in an exact moment of me doing something to please her, she seems to only remember everything negative about me. All of my good traits and qualities, all of my affections, all of my positive actions toward and around her go out the window the second she feels the slightest hint of a negative emotion. They describe people with BPD as switching back and forth between adoring someone and despising them. But I find this to be far more of a 20/80 split for me. It is like she expects me to be perfect all the time, or else I am deemed a complete failure.

The whole situation is really starting to take a tole on me. I love her with all my heart, I have been in love with her for years. I honestly can't imagine my life without her. She has helped me through some really hard times. Our connection and bond is unlike any I've had with anyone else before. But I'm tired. I'm beaten down. And I feel like I'm the only one doing anything to even try to make things better. Meanwhile, I'm being persecuted for that too, being told it's not enough, as nothing ever is. I'm struggling with communication, setting boundaries, and not overreacting to things. I think part of this is due to the fact that I've felt so attacked for so long that at even a hint of attack throws my defenses way, way up. I know I have to be the one who regulates her emotions because my fiancee does not currently have the ability to do so. I know I have to be the one to set boundaries and provide structure. I know I have to be the one to communicate effectively, calmly, and kindly. I know I'm not supposed to cave under everything or feel guilty all the time. I know I'm not supposed to place all the blame on myself or lose my sense of self worth. But all these things have become increasingly difficult, and sometimes even feel impossible.

I guess I'm just here to see if others can relate. I don't need just a simple pat on the back telling me I'm a good person or put up with too much or deserve to be validated. I don't care about all of that. What I need are better coping mechanisms. Ways to improve our relationship. Goals to work toward. I need support in the sense of being led in a meaningful direction that has the potential to lead to positive results. I don't want my relationship to end. I don't care what outsiders have to say about that. I love this girl and want to find a way to make things work. I just don't want to destroy myself in the process. Is there anyone out there with any advice on any of these things? I just want to talk to people who understand. Thanks for taking the time to read my rant. Sorry it was so long!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

I don't need just a simple pat on the back telling me I'm a good person or put up with too much or deserve to be validated.

Hey MidnightSun

Definitely sounds like you're a bit on edge. Not to worry, we can handle it 

btw, Welcome to the boards! 

As some starting perspective, and I see you notice that by that comment, some people do need that, some people don't. Can you blame others for trying to comfort you after spilling the beans on the hurt you're going through?

This is a support group so we support each other, but it's not all holding hands and singing kumbaya , this is the "bettering board" were we work on solving difficult relationship problems with safe and effective tools, so you're definitely in the right place. 

Is there anyone out there with any advice on any of these things? I just want to talk to people who understand.

I am definitely more advice oriented than I should probably if that helps.

What I need are better coping mechanisms. Ways to improve our relationship. Goals to work toward. I need support in the sense of being led in a meaningful direction that has the potential to lead to positive results.

One issue at a time, let's focus on this first shall we?

For me, one of the biggest struggles I am facing are her intense outbursts. I know the drill, as I'm sure many of us do... Intense bouts of rage, brutal verbal attacks, extreme placement of guilt.

Can you tell us an example of how this usually goes? how do you normally handle it? success stories of when "you got it right"?

[MidnightSun]

Thank you for responding. It's so nice to be heard. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy!

As for your request for an example, I'll give one from just last night...
She had spent the day in bed, as she has for the entire week. I had texted several times throughout the day telling her I was thinking about her, missing her, worried about her, loved her. No response. Finally, right before I left work, she texted me back saying "Hi" and that she felt "Horrible." She's missing her medicine right now, so I inquired as to whether or not she had contacted the doctor. She said no. I implored her to contact them before the office closed. (She never did.)

As I was leaving work she texted me that she missed me, that she felt "poopy" and that she was hungry. I had a very quick errand to run, so I asked her if she'd prefer for me to do it before I got home so she wouldn't have to go out, or if she was up to going out with me if she didn't have to get out of the car. She is constantly telling me I don't make enough decisions. So after she repeated that she missed me, I told her I would come pick her up, we'd run the errand, get some food, and rent a movie. Her response? "I'm in the bed..." Now, given that she had been in bed for days, I took this to mean that she was still in bed and not able or willing to get up. So I said I'd run the errand, and if later she felt like doing the rest (food, movie, etc.) that we would go then. She then sent me an angry face and said "Whatever F****** FORGET IT"

I told her I wasn't sure what she was looking for me to do. That I didn't mean to come off as angry and if I did, I apologized. I explained to her how I interpreted her message, and that I just wanted to get the errand out of the way so we didn't have to worry about it. No response.

After I got home, she was angry. She had showered and while she was in bed, she had apparently meant her message to be interpreted as kind of sexy. She accused me of only seeing her negatively. She said she wasn't allowed to be sick for a single day in our house and that nothing mattered anyway. She called me an a**h**** and told me she'd be better off alone. She said "all of the people she had ever been with did nothing but suffocate her and not allow her to breathe." She again told me I was too sensitive and that maybe she didn't love me. She told me that I was never getting better, and that I needed help. I calmly told her that I am indeed in therapy (something she obviously already knows) and she said, "Well then you need a new therapist!" When I tried to suggest we both go to therapy together, she said, "NO! Therapy isn't helping you so why should I go?" As per usual, she basically said everything was my fault and she was the victim.

Later that night, after things had calmed down, we watched television in bed. She had slept all day (for several days really) and wasn't tired. I stayed up until after 1:00 am before finally saying that I had to go to sleep because I had to work in the morning. She angrily said, "Don't bother talking. I don't need to hear your excuses about why you won't stay up with me." I told her that I wasn't making excuses, that we both knew I needed to sleep so I could work in the morning. She said, "Whatever. I don't care. Just shut up." As I rolled over to go to sleep, she freaked out. She said I was an a**h*** for not saying goodnight. She said our relationship was trash.

This is the exact point I'm trying to make when I say I don't know how to handle things or properly communicate. I struggle intensely with NOT getting defensive or being "dismissive" in her eyes. I know that I'm supposed to listen and validate her. I tried starting with, "I'm sorry you feel that way." But I quickly found myself saying, "You're the one who told me to shut up and not talk anymore." She told me that only applied to explaining why I "just had to go to sleep," not that I shouldn't say goodnight. This all turned into another big fight, with her yelling obscenities at me. By the time I was lying there crying, I slipped up by saying, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not the right one for you." She said nobody was and again that she was better off alone.

I lay there silently crying for a few minutes before she started crying herself. The logical part of me told me that this was an episode fueled by the BPD. That she was afraid I was giving up, that I would leave her. The emotional part of me said, she just has to be the victim. She had been harping on me all night about everything I said or did, but here I was crying and SHE was once again the victim! I managed to talk this part of me down and after a few minutes, rolled over and put my arm around her.

But I know today will be a repeat. I know she will wake up angry, ignore me all day, and spend the day in bed. In an attempt to counter this, I left her a note. It told her that all of these things were upsetting me. But it also said that even though she doesn't seem to be able to see it, I actually AM trying. I told her that I'm willing to go through the fighting because I believe things will get better. I told her that I DO love her, and I'm not going anywhere, I'm not giving up on us. I told her that I believe we can overcome anything if we just work together. I did my best to assure her that I'm on her side and won't abandon her just because things get hard.

Sadly, I don't believe it will make a bit of difference. In addition, I don't know if this equates to me being a push over and not setting strong enough boundaries. I don't know if I'm enabling her more than reassuring her. I feel like every choice I make is the wrong choice. I can't remember the last day I went without crying at least once. I don't trust my communication skills. I don't trust myself to not be one extreme or the other - too weak or too mean. I don't trust myself not to retaliate with my own outbursts, be them angry yelling or desperate tears. I feel guilty and like a failure myself. How can I expect her not to feel that way about me? I just don't know what to do.

[itsmeSnap]

Let me point out a few things, so you can see what went on below the waves

Finally, right before I left work, she texted me back saying "Hi" and that she felt "Horrible."

Probably horrible about not getting back to you, could be extra "worse" by missing the meds.

As I was leaving work she texted me that she missed me, that she felt "poopy" and that she was hungry.

This is a call for attention. "Hey look at me I'm the victim! I deserve sympathy! come save me!"

She is constantly telling me I don't make enough decisions.

Translated as "I don't want to/can't make the decisions, so I'll blame you for not making them". This is not really about you.

So after she repeated that she missed me, I told her I would come pick her up, we'd run the errand, get some food, and rent a movie. Her response? "I'm in the bed..."
[...]
She had showered and while she was in bed, she had apparently meant her message to be interpreted as kind of sexy.

Communication mistake, very common with BPD.

I took this to mean that she was still in bed and not able or willing to get up

Communication mistake, very common in partners of people with BPD.

She accused me of only seeing her negatively. She said she wasn't allowed to be sick for a single day in our house and that nothing mattered anyway. She called me an a**h**** and told me she'd be better off alone.

Over the top reaction, her emotions got the best of her. She felt rejected when you wouldn't "save her", when you didn't realize she was being sexy for you (no reasonable way you could have known based on the being in bed message, its not about you).

She said "all of the people she had ever been with did nothing but suffocate her and not allow her to breathe."

This is how she feels about the situation, not that they (or you) actually were. What this says is that all her previous partners (including you) struggled with keeping up with her emotions.

She felt "suffocated" because she is not able to communicate her needs effectively, and so they go unanswered and she feels abandoned. unable to communicate, the frustration keeps on piling up, like falling down a quicksand pit. Makes sense? easier to empathize with that visual?

She told me that I was never getting better, and that I needed help

This is a classic projection. She knows SHE is the one who is not getting better, but you are the easier target, so she says you do.

Later that night, after things had calmed down, we watched television in bed. She had slept all day (for several days really) and wasn't tired. I stayed up until after 1:00 am before finally saying that I had to go to sleep because I had to work in the morning. She angrily said, "Don't bother talking. I don't need to hear your excuses about why you won't stay up with me."
[...]
She said I was an a**h*** for not saying goodnight

This is a tricky thing because of abandonment issues. She obviously loves spending time with you, so much so it hurts her not to have you anymore. Feelings matter more than facts to people with BPD, so by establishing why you needed to sleep (totally justified btw, but that's not the point) she felt like being given an excuse.

I struggle intensely with NOT getting defensive or being "dismissive" in her eyes

There's a lesson we have over here about not engaging with "fact checking", Don't JADE

The logical part of me told me that this was an episode fueled by the BPD. That she was afraid I was giving up, that I would leave her

Great insight, you do understand where this is coming from.

The emotional part of me said, she just has to be the victim

Meaning, "why can't I be the "victim" for once?"

I don't mean this as saying you are trying to portray yourself as something you're not. Your needs are being neglected, and not only by her.

I don't know if I'm enabling her more than reassuring her

There is some of both going on. Particularly this:

I asked her if she'd prefer for me to do it before I got home so she wouldn't have to go out, or if she was up to going out with me if she didn't have to get out of the car

I hope you see where you're going beyond what's helpful and into enabling territory.

I don't know if this equates to me being a push over and not setting strong enough boundaries

Not really, you're just trying too hard .

Gotta work smart from now on, that's what the tools are about.

Lots to unpack and very little advice so far, we'll get to that. That's my process anyway, understand then plan, that way I know where to focus for being extra effective 

I feel guilty and like a failure myself. How can I expect her not to feel that way about me? I just don't know what to do.

That's something to work on. If you feel stronger yourself, you can better cope with her and help her with being an effective communicator herself.

Sometimes just asking for clarification is enough to get the ball rolling, ask instead of assume.

About those feelings you have, you probably internalized something that made you feel that way, and I suspect it comes from way before you got involved with her, possibly childhood/teenage years. There are some personalities that click with BPD easier than others.

Anyway, care to tell more about this? was it like this (feeling not good enough/guilty about looking after yourself) before you met her?