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Things I couldn't have known
Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
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Author Topic: My child has many BPD characteristics and is lost. What to do?  (Read 643 times)
Parent_of_girl##

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: March 11, 2019, 10:40:46 PM »

My pre-teen child is cutting. She is desperate and lost. To her, I am evil. She set a date for suicide, so she in now in an inpatient facility (again). Even when she is away, her actions still cause pain. She refuses to take our calls in treatment. Looking for answers to why she is so depressed and acting the way she does, I came across BPD. She fits most characteristics, but her therapist who saw her once weekly for 6 months does not. I feel like I am the only advocate for her.

Right now, I am just trying to keep her from killing herself. I feel like I am only buying time. But what next? What is in store for is when she comes back home? I still do not have a professional diagnosis. And since she is so young, I was told I will not get one either.

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 05:01:20 AM »

Parent of girl, I am glad to meet you but so sorry for what brings you here. Whether diagnosed as such or not, having children with BPD traits can be overwhelming. The good news is there is help and you have come to the right place to get it. Can you tell us more? Why does your daughter's therapist say she does not have BPD? What kind of behaviors make you think she does? Most importantly what are you doing for yourself in the way of self care?
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Panda39
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 06:42:07 AM »

Hi Parent of a Girl,

Welcome to the BPD Family  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

From what I understand an official diagnosis of BPD isn't likely to happen until your daughter is at least 18 because she is still growing/developing.  But not having an official diagnosis does not mean you aren't seeing what you are seeing. 

When I first found out about BPD it really helped me to read about it and get a good basic grounding in what it is.  The first 2 books are about BPD in general and the last one is about BPD in Adolescents specifically.

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
By: Randi Kreger, Paul T. Mason

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD by Blaise Aguirre

Other than suicide threats what kinds of behaviors are you seeing or having trouble with in terms of your daughter? 

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post, there is a lot of information, tools, and support to be found here.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2019, 12:25:15 PM »

I still do not have a professional diagnosis. And since she is so young, I was told I will not get one either.

I would trust your instincts and assume she is BPD even if the professionals are slow to catch up with you. One of the leading experts on BPD is Blaise Aguirre, MD who wrote BPD in Adolescence, and he advocates for diagnosing earlier than 18. You can find his book on Amazon, as well as some free youtube videos that might be helpful. The prevailing attitude has been to wait until 18 for a diagnosis altho that seems to be a perspective that is slowly changing. If it is any consolation, they are likely to treat her for the acute suicidal ideation regardless of what her diagnosis is. In the meantime, you are in the right place to learn the specific communication and relationship skills for supporting a BPD loved one.

It has to be so very hard that she doesn't want to talk to you right now and I feel for you, parentofgirl##. It may also be her way of managing intense emotions -- she may have such overwhelming desires and conflicted emotions that getting space is her way of bringing the intensity down just a notch so she can manage her emotions.

I have a step daughter I am fairly certain is BPD. Her official diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic depression, which explains some of her challenges but not all. Notwithstanding a proper dx, I approach her as though she is BPD and consider her special needs because of her emotional disability.

How long do you expect she will be in the facility? What did they do last time, and how do they respond when you suggest BPD?

Do you have other children? Is your daughter's father involved and providing support?
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Breathe.
Parent_of_girl##

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2019, 04:39:59 PM »

Both parents are home. The first inpatient was a week long followed by 6 weeks of intense outpatient. She seemed better and started engaging until she went back to school. Then it just accelerated from there. She was in advanced classes last fall, but now she cannot keep up with on level classes. Her "friends" says she is desperate and cannot keep all the lies straight. She has called the cops on us several times for abuse (all investigated and dismissed). At home, she destroys things during rages. The poems she writes express disassociation along with depression. When we tell her therapists, they says that those are the traits of BPD, but she cannot yet diagnosis it.

She is now on her second week of a 30 day residential treatment. Trying to figure out what to do next after she is done with that. Does she finish the 7th grade? Do we hold her back a year? Do we go private tutor? Do we go longer term residential program?
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Parent_of_girl##

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2019, 04:42:09 PM »

Her younger sister is a year behind. We start her in therapy next week to cope. She is not falling behind, but grades are dropping from the stress at home. She is non-BPD.
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Parent_of_girl##

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2019, 04:51:14 PM »

I am in Chapter 6 of the first, recommended by a second opinion therapist. The others our on my list.

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
By: Randi Kreger, Paul T. Mason

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD by Blaise Aguirre
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livednlearned
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2019, 12:27:29 PM »

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning is also good.
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Breathe.
zachira
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2019, 01:04:09 PM »

I also recommend "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". The author has many years of experience providing DBT, the main therapy for people with BPD and their families, and wrote the book for family members who do not have access to DBT. The author really explains BPD in ways that helped me to have compassion for those with BPD and provides tools that strike a healthy balance between self care and helping the family member with BPD.
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