Saying goodbye (again) for good this time.

[WindofChange]

After my exBPDbf told me he wasn't happy 10 days ago, he texted me a few times with snarky comments and accusations. I finally decided to try to reach him one more time to see if we could go our separate ways without anger. I poured out how I felt, and told him he could accuse me of not caring, but I knew how much I had always loved him. I told him we had too many obstacles (my sons, family, friends don't like him), and that because we are both so emotionally intense, that we just don't balance each other out. He called me and said he understood, that he didn't regret any time with me, and that I was right. We need to stop communicating so we can both move on. We said I love you...and goodbye. I cried my eyes out last night. Why is it that ending on a more peaceful note is so much harder? You all know how deep and intense this bond is. I have read the article posted somewhere on here about why this bond forms. But understanding it doesn't really help the pain of saying goodbye right now. For 6 1/2 years, we had a beautiful, beautiful love affair, an amazing, intense, intimate connection...and a very stormy relationship, which, when we lived together, involved screaming matches (both of us), ST (him), drinking (me), crying myself to sleep (the months before I moved out). But despite knowing it's the best thing for both of us, saying goodbye and ending on a civil note was so painful. I couldn't sleep, I'm still a little weepy this morning but have to suck it up and go to work. I think when he was being accusing and making sarcastic remarks, I felt relief being away from him because I was so tired of all of that. I think it was a self-protective reaction, turning off my emotions. But speaking with him last night and ending things in a loving way opened up those emotions again. I guess I just have to feel them, feel the pain, let it out, and let it go. But I hate it. I want to be done with it.
I just don't think I'll never be able to feel this same kind of love for someone else again. And I can't imagine making love with anyone else. I get that it was an unhealthy bond in a lot of ways. But the good parts, oh, those are so hard to let go. I just needed to pour it out. For anyone reading through, thank you.

[Mindfried]

Hang in the WOC. Saying goodbye to anyone you truly love is hard. Maybe one day when you are both in a better place you will find your way back to one another.

[WindofChange]

Thank you, Mindfried. I don't know what will happen. It wasn't healthy and none of my family is willing to give him another chance because he put me through a lot last year. That has been hard for him and me both. But I guess we never know what the future will hold. Right now really sucks, though. All I want to do is call him, go see him. But I know I can't. I hope it will slowly get better with time.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry, windofchange. I think it will get better with time. Everything is fresh and raw right now. It does seem tragic and unfair to have a relationship where both parties love each other, but it still doesn't work out. But life is lived forward, so forward we go, one day at a time.

Praying for you,

Redeemed

[WindofChange]

Thank you, Redeemed. It means a lot to me. I will pray for you as well, and I hope things are going better for you.
I guess I'm just grieving, and there's no skipping over that process, much as I hate it.