br21,
I'm sorry that you are feeling isolated right now, but you are in a safe place. Being blamed for 'everything', and the lack of empathy from those we love with BPD hurts to the core. One minute they love you and the next they don't. Your question though,
Any advice of how to keep myself together and calm the situation
can be answered through many of the videos on this site, and as with anything in life, you can fine tune it to fit. For me, don't JADE (Justify, argue, deny and explain) or FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) began to make sense as I practiced not invalidating and listening with empathy. Read as much as you can about BPD here and elsewhere. But for now, in the midst of the storm, remaining calm is important.
Don't engage with him when he is angry. He won't be able to hear anything you say anyway, and it will only make matters worse. Listen to him, validate his feelings (they are his feelings, regardless) and find a safe place for yourself. Talk to a friend, go for a walk, pet your dog, make cookies. Try to keep life as sane and as normal as possible and keep clam even though the winds of anger are blowing. When he levels his emotions out, then perhaps you can sit down with him and talk about what led up to the blow up in the first place. As time goes on you will learn the triggers that set him off.
It sounds as though you love him. It's hard to love someone that sometimes acts as though they don't love, like or want us around.
I learn through others here, and practice what works, and what doesn't.
How long have you known him? Were there indications that he was BPD when you first started dating? You are so right about this not being about you. I'm so glad you said it, because it's so true.
Sending you good thoughts.
