Advice needed

[Lerry]

Hi,

I wanted to know if somebody here with a bit of experience could help go through a situation I’m dealing at the moment with my BPD boyfriend.

It’s my first post here. And I don’t know if it will be structured enough to be fully comprehensible but here I go...:

 2 weeks ago my BPD boyfriend broke up with me after a minor argument but where I know he felt extremely invalidated, as I can guess in regards to his over the top reaction.

It’s been 3 years we are with each other and there were bumpy rides especially at the beginning where I discovered his disorder ( he was actually open about it right at the beginning with me) and of course when I didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know the tools like validation and so forth, and well I was very invalidating with him.

My boyfriend is a quiet BPD, he’s not agressive and quite the contrary flee agressive reactions like a plague. He can on the other be quit verbally invalidating himself.

When he’s upset he withdraw, has a hard time socializing even if in social context he is an extremely social and kind person, always very appreciated by people who met him.
But he has this dark side of self loathing, depression, mood swings, feeling of emptiness, unability to connect to others and finishing his studies (medicine), enter the professional life,... he seems panicked by it and most of the time doesn’t want to talk about it all.

He went on therapy, he was indeed in therapy and treatment when I met him. But after a year or so I was with him while he stopped  the treatment  as he said me he couldn’t feel anything anymore and he felt more empty that he was feeling before the treatment. Of course I was scared of that and tried to convince him otherwise but he did stop and he stabilized to my surprise.

Some times were harder than others, he would freak out at nothing (at least to me at the time) and in those time withdraw, withdraw and withdraw, sometimes giving silent treatment, sometimes formulating he needed time for himself... Oh I forgot to mention we don’t live together but close to each other!...
And I accepted his need for space and time and most of the time after a few days he came back to me and was fine again.

He did though once did what he just did too me 2 weeks ago, broke up with me to what seemed to me out of the blue.

I was at the time but informing myself and reading a lot about BPD and tools to cope with it as a “non” and how to be helpful to your SO and I was myself in therapy at the time (therapy that I started a year before I met him, was working on myself) so I had some distance and some awareness at the situation.

We got back together after a week or so after some discussion involving a lot of validation and after that things got better, we were really doing well, with some fallback and setbacks but never big enough to compromise the loving relationship,we were sharing.

This new break up is tough as it happened at a moment where we were good with each other but where he was going through a very hard time, his dad was diagnosed with cancer which created naturally a lot of pain, sadness and insecurities in him but also he was dealing and he’s still dealing with his medical exam (last oral exam) that would make him a doctor. This exam is a story on its on, he keeps pushing and pushing it . He should have been done studying like 3 years ago but it’s seems like it’s a core issue for him, he seems terrified at the idea of jumping in life, taking the responsibilities as a doctor (he wants to be a dermatologist at least he wanted till recently ), making decisions...

The breakup happened in this context and I think he projected a lot of the pain he was feeling on me.
One night he was at my place and we were having a romantic evening, cooking together, watching movies and we had a argument that seemed meaningless ( to me and I guess to him too) but where I think he felt rejected by me and where I must have been invalidating to his feelings.
He had a story of rejections, sentimental ones...
The fight seemed over and we actually went to bed. Few hours later in the middle of the night he woke me up and told me we need to break up, I can’t do this anymore...
I knew from experience I had with him already that he was distressed, this reaction (overreaction) was disporportionate and that he seemed dissociated , talked as if he was not there or another person and talking to a person that was not me, that was very strange but I kind of knew that it was all part of a distress and he was triggered.
He took off.
And since then he barely talks to me, avoid contact (but not completely as he answered my few messages to inquire about him), just stays at home alone, supposedly studying (I know he was lying to me about studying a couple of weeks ago when all he was doing was avoid it by playing video games).

I don’t know what to do to break the ice.
He loves me, I love him. I know I don’t want to break up,with him. I know it’s hard and the BPD is at times between us but despite that I want him in my life because he a kind, carrying and loving person. A day before the break up he was telling me the same things.
So to me this break up doesn’t make sense but to me only an attempt to ease his pain, pain of rejection, failing and shame he feels at what he done.

I seriously don’t know how to,approach him and I suffer greatly not to see him.

Does somebody have some input ?

Thank you so much!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Lerry, welcome.

You sound very caring and you'll find the same here.

It makes complete sense that as things were progressively good, you saw the potential for the both of you.

Can you see that as therapy stopped, there was a delay in his "good" and consistent behavior towards you and his goals soon after?

It also seems as though you handle conflicts well which if true, excellent.

Other than exchanging some inquisitive texts, have you asked to see him ?

I'm not an expert by any means and I'm more or less going through what you are, do you see a cycle here? Stress maybe a factor.

I do understand that pwBPD do recycle, return to a loved one for the connection you do have or for some other reason...there is no map here, only trying to pick up on cycles and triggers that start them.

You do love a capable person and you sound the same.  I don't think you can change much but you can take opportunities to help him help himself as he was doing.

Take care of yourself in the meantime and read as much as you can here.

[Lerry]

Sandb2015,

Thank you for your kind answer.

I seen indeed a sort of pattern when my partner is stressed.
Stress seems a big trigger for him to a lot of uncontrolled, disproportionate and often unexpected reactions.

I don’t know If I handle conflicts well, but I’m trying and I’m far for being perfect myself in the ways I may react at times.
I realize I myself been unvalidating him without wanting it and often afterwards.

To be honest after he stopped therapy, there was not more crises than usual, so of course that gave me hope that he learned himself some copping tools and that he could do well too. There was (and ofc i know there always will be) crisis, but I learned to kind of go through them by learning myself about BPD and tools for non as I explained.

This crisis this time seems more intense and lasting.


To answer your question I haven’t asked to see him yet, as I don’t know how to approach him right now and probably because I myself fear more rejection.
But I plan on asking him.

I am also at the moment trying to take care of myself and regulating by practicing lots of mindfulness fo example, as this new crisis have had a toll on me too and create a lot of stress on my side.

[Purplex]

Hi Lerry and welcome to the family 

I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you reached out. Your relationship sounds similar to mine, my bf is also a quiet BPD who if anything is only agressive towards himself but has very dark moments, depression. mood swings.. you name it. At times it can be incredibly difficult to deal with all that, but he is also very sweet and loving and we care deeply for eachother.

This exam is a story on its on, he keeps pushing and pushing it . He should have been done studying like 3 years ago but it’s seems like it’s a core issue for him, he seems terrified at the idea of jumping in life, taking the responsibilities as a doctor (he wants to be a dermatologist at least he wanted till recently ), making decisions...

The breakup happened in this context and I think he projected a lot of the pain he was feeling on me.

I think you are right, the exam and the pressure and responsibility connected to it might be the main issue here. Where does this pressure come from? Is he putting it on himself, is he very ambitious? Are there external factors like expectations from family, friends etc.?

I am also at the moment trying to take care of myself and regulating by practicing lots of mindfulness fo example, as this new crisis have had a toll on me too and create a lot of stress on my side.

Self care is so important and you should take as much time as you need to stabilize.

[Lerry]

Hi Purplex,

Thanks for reaching out.

Regarding the pressure to me he’s putting it on himself.
His father is a doctor, a brother is too. I think he doesn’t want to disappoint (something I heard him say many time).
Disappointment yeah is huge for him.
His family is very supportive, they’re very kind people which doesn’t mean they might not be invalidating probably without noticing. Indeed you can be meaning well and still be invalidating.
But from what I know his family is not putting pressure on him.

He withdraws a lot and doesn’t have many friends whom he’s closed to he has one close friend here in town and one close childhood friend who lives in an other city, definitely can count them on one hand. Even if I support him to reach out more, it seems difficult fo him to bind himself to others.
And I know his friends are not putting pressure on him either.

But you point it accurately pressure and fear of responsability seem to play a big role in his disregulation.

[Lerry]

To come back to the topic.
I fear for some reason to reach out to him and ask to see him.

Does someone have some input on out on how I can approach him? How to end the silent treatment and break his withdrawal?

I’m worried for him  and I feel he’s miserable and I care for him. We missed our meeting anniversary already and it’s about to be his birthday and I’m seriously helpless with the situation.

Thanks

[Purplex]

I fear for some reason to reach out to him and ask to see him.

Are you afraid of him beeing dismissive or not answering altogether?

What would you want to say to him? I think if you avoid putting pressure on him and just express your feelings there is a good chance that he will react positively.