What am I suppose to do while he “is away”?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am not sure how this works, but i am willing to give anything a shot.  My sig. other and i have been together for 12 years.  It is so good to read something that tells me others are going thru this.  I truly believed this was all me but these traits are him.  My question that i did not see addressed in “stop walking on eggshells” book... .when I question him (question a decision he made or in his eyes try to control him) it can explode not always.  If it gets bad then he pulls back, goes away from me for sometimes days, wont hear me, wont see me, wont take my calls. He just completing detaches from me.  Many many times over our 12 years he has ended the relationship, moved out, told me to get out.  I don’t get it.  What am I suppose to do while he “is away”?  I don’t know if this is one of those times that we will be “over”, if he just needs space?  

What I do find is that most times during one of these times, he wont take my calls, wont come home (leaving me scared to death that he has gotten into an accident, no he has never threatened to take his life, I have never seen these tenedancies) he almost convinces himself that it is over, I am bad for him and we just will NEVER be a couple.   Then what happens almost every time... .

He sees me, he feels me and he breaks things start to come back together for us.  At first he is still blaming me but as we talk more it is almost like he sees it is not me and apologizes to me, then it typically is followed by wanting to buy me something, or take us somewhere... .even tho we really should not be spending the extra money.  
Any thought would be helpful. I don’t know if I should be finding him during these times, chasing him, “convincing” him that he loves me, do I ignore him?  

Please help.

[I love him]

I am not sure how this works, but i am willing to give anything a shot.  My sig. other and i have been together for 12 years.  It is so good to read something that tells me others are going thru this.  I truly believed this was all me but these traits are him.  My question that i did not see addressed in “stop walking on eggshells” book... .when I question him (question a decision he made or in his eyes try to control him) it can explode not always.  If it gets bad then he pulls back, goes away from me for sometimes days, wont hear me, wont see me, wont take my calls. He just completing detaches from me.  Many many times over our 12 years he has ended the relationship, moved out, told me to get out.  I don’t get it.  What am I suppose to do while he “is away”?  I don’t know if this is one of those times that we will be “over”, if he just needs space?  

What I do find is that most times during one of these times, he wont take my calls, wont come home (leaving me scared to death that he has gotten into an accident, no he has never threatened to take his life, I have never seen these tenedancies) he almost convinces himself that it is over, I am bad for him and we just will NEVER be a couple.   Then what happens almost every time... .

He sees me, he feels me and he breaks things start to come back together for us.  At first he is still blaming me but as we talk more it is almost like he sees it is not me and apologizes to me, then it typically is followed by wanting to buy me something, or take us somewhere... .even tho we really should not be spending the extra money.  
Any thought would be helpful. I don’t know if I should be finding him during these times, chasing him, “convincing” him that he loves me, do I ignore him?  

Please help.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome i love him ,

I"m sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. You've found a great place for support.

What happened to cause your H to leave? It sounds like he disappears when he gets upset. How long is he usually gone? What brings him back?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi I love him, you've come to the right place.

It can very exhausting to try and keep up with a BPD partner's outbursts, which is why we often refer to life with them as a "rollercoaster". My wife follows a very similar pattern of outburst, threatening leaving, days of silent treatment, calming down and then being especially nice to me for a few days.

In your experience, have your actions ever influenced him during these leave periods? What do you do to take care of yourself while he is away?

~ROE

[isilme]

Hi - yes, this is a good place to come, let it out where people won't try to dismiss it, and may have been in your shoes and have some things you can try.

When H and I were in a very volatile span, where it looked like we could fall off a fence about staying together and fall, either way, I started to live my life as if he was a roommate, a person I shared space with, and I accepted what affection and support he'd offer, but also made a point to not chase it down.

I did not want to end things but was trying to detach enough so I'd be more protected if that was where things went based on HIS decisions.  I made my standing clear, I was to be the ONLY romantic interest or I was leaving, and he needed to decide what he wanted in life.  And then, went about looking for what was needed should he not choose me.

I am prone to allowing myself to be enmeshed and making his feelings my feelings.  I needed some clarity, so I stopped looking so much at US and spent more time looking at ME.  I found this site.  I read up on ways to communicate with him that would be less triggering or a rage and more conducive to actually having a conversation - the tools cannot be 100% effective, we are dealing with emotional instability, but it can really help.  We want to use reason, logic, and facts as we see them but when dealing with an emotional person, those can just get under their skin as all they hear is "you're wrong, you're stupid, you messed up."  BPD is tied a LOT to avoiding blame and shame.  Even asking "why did you do that" can be heard as blame, and trigger a fight.  And the fight will rarely be in proportion to what WE see as an initial offense because inside, there is a LOT going on with BPD feelings that we only get shown the tip of an iceberg, and often only when it's crashing into a ship. 

We've "stabilized" into a cycle.  A blow up happens, can take 1-4 days to get past.  There is an initial blow-up - this will be manageable or really bad based on the trigger, if he's eaten soon enough or is sick, and how fast on my mental feet I am to recognize what is happening and to not JADE, or invalidate at that point and make things worse.  I can get by with JADE a little in normal, fairly calm conversation.  I am trying to learn to not do it at all, since that seems best - it's really just a habit I need to break. 

Anyway, we move past the rage, can be hours, maybe even 1 day.  The silent treatment, withdrawal, a form of silent rage.  I used to chase him, bother him, try to force a conversation to "reason it out."  This just put us back into step one.  It's a waste of time. 

I leave him be and go about what I can as possible (small house, staying out of the way might mean reading quietly in the same room).  I sew, put away clothes, do my normal cleaning tasks, and if up to it physically normal outside maintenance tasks like mowing the lawn, run errands to the store.  I will speak to him as if the rage did not occur since a lot of his silent treatment is internal browbeating about losing his temper.  Poking that does no good.  I say  things like "good morning, good night, what do you want for dinner."  Based on his responses, I can tell if he's still stewing or working his way to being calm.  Resetting. A pwBPD wants us to manage their emotions for them.  That's impossible.  So, we have to give them space to learn the skill they missed learning as a child - self soothing.  Backing off in times when they cut contact is OUR time to work on us, to continue to live.  We can't put all our day into their basket - we still need to be us as much as works for each of us.

After he has hit "reset", I usually find a quiet moment and approach for a hug.  He may return it, or express shame at first, saying he does not deserve it.  The him of a few days ago did not.  The him of this day does.

So - when you are left to your own devices, accept that it's okay for you to simply LIVE.  If he comes abck, you will be (hopefully) rested, stronger, and ready to work on communicating with a person with an emotional disability.  I recommend not chasing.  Certainly not keeping the argument going if you DO choose to contact him.  I find you really can't PROVE love with words, if at all.  You offer your love as you feel you can and as you now his love-language.  It's up to him to accept it, and BPD will make that easy for him some days, and hard on others.  He can't realize you can love him but not agree 100% with everything.  BPD makes you feel like an appendage to him, and if your arm doesn't want to do what you do, it feels weird.

If he does not return, you are still rested, stronger, and know that you can be you, and can be fine with or without this particular person if that is where life goes. 

His type of making up seems to be throwing cash you feel you don't have at the problem.  Knowing this is part of his pattern, can you think of alternatives to what you think he might suggest?  Let's go away for the weekend and stay in a hotel! - That might be nice, but what about a day trip to (whatever is close and won't cost as much- the beach, a museum, a park for a bbq, visit friends, have a game night and stay in... .).  That might let him feel the table was cleared by doing soemthing as a couple, but also make you feel better spending less money?

[I love him]

Oh my gosh, i posted this so very long ago.  I am just now logging back on (I had forgotten about this, until our last “fight” Friday)
Your response was so very helpful.  What I am reading over and over again is that I have to work on myself.  I am not good at that but plan to get better.  Things have been ok, not 100% but maybe 50%. 
The tools (JADE) you refer to are they from this website?  The things I need to do:

Detach from him emotionally, we are enmeshed for sure

Not take personally what he says to me when he is spiraling (although I don’t know if I will ever understand how he can tell me he loves me with all he is and the next minute telling me I am a no good controlling bully.

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, I love him!

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the family.

You asked about JADE. Here's a link to some really good information about that:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Working on ourselves isn't easy. I know I've struggled with learning to not JADE, to not take things personally. But I have noticed that it helps. Understanding the BPD mind is a challenge in itself.

You say you need to detach. Could you explain a bit more about your thoughts and feelings on that? You're right -- enmeshment and codependency are not good. But if you want to stay in the relationship, a full detachment isn't good either. People with BPD are very sensitive and too much pulling away can really trigger them. When things got bad with my H, I detached quite a bit. People on this site pointed helped me see that and helped me see the way I was going about it wasn't healthy and, in fact, was making H worse because he sensed the distance.