I betrayed my BPD partner's trust, how do I gain it back?

[India9]

I need help.

I have been in love with a man with BPD for years. We had a brief relationship that sort of just fizzled out when he had depression, but I stuck by him throughout and we've remained friends, with me reminding him that I loved him the whole time.

Earlier this year he said we would try being in a relationship. The thing is we are on other sides of the world. And shortly after he said we would try being in a relationship, I got drunk and cheated on him with someone else.

He forgave me and told me he would give me another chance, and it was good for a while but he started getting suspicious of me. I understand that it was because of my earlier transgression, but it really took a toll on me because I really wasn't doing anything and yet constantly being accused or suspected of doing something. It took a toll on me, and I started finding comfort in someone else, a friend.

Eventually, I slept with that friend. And did it in the worst possible way, because I tried to lie my way out of it even when I had been caught. I regret everything and wish I could just have been honest that I was turning to someone else for comfort. But I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him because he already suspected me of something, so I didn't think I could be honest. That was my mistake.

It's been two days since I admitted what I did and my BPD partner is going through our entire chat, looking for things to accuse me of. Even the smallest perceived slights he just believes was me manipulating or lying to him.

He basically has zero trust in me now because I had cheated twice but I asked for one more chance but in very brief moments he tells me he is considering giving it to me. So how do I gain his trust back a third time considering everything?

Please I need help. I'm at my wits end.

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