To remember that she replaced me 3 days later... ...she was obviously cheating on me. To see the fake new identity she took...
She did not replace you, as a unique and valuable human being
you are not replaceable. My ex cheated on us and now is living with someone else -but I actually feel deep pity for her, because I know in my heart I am not replaceable. My ex acted out of impulse (cheated), which created shame for her, then deep depression and ultimately rage. In one of her rages she broke up with me.
You noticed her new identity. This shift in identity is evidence of the incredible inner torment she feels -it is not a reinvention, but a collapse of her previous self image. From what I have read this is painful and confusing for them. Lacking of a firm and permanent 'self' is frightening -I cannot even imagine.
Can you imagine how hard it would be for you, FJM, to suddenly change everything about yourself? She did not destroy your relationship with her out of strength. No, she may have destroyed it because her inner demon was desperately afraid
you would leave her. Perhaps in her emotional maelstrom she suddenly didn't recognize you anymore. Mine could literally forget about us when I was away from her. Even if you could ask her, she might not know the truth of the matter. Getting her to admit the truth is a whole other story (no likely to happen).
BPD is a serious personality disorder. Hard to diagnose, hard to treat and incredibly hard to live with. People with a BPD diagnosis may be turned away from some therapists 'because they are too hard to handle'. I have read where psychologists will sometimes hesitate to make a BPD diagnosis, because having a BPD diagnosis can make the patient's life much harder when seeking future medical attention.
My ex
literally hears voices telling her she is bad, unworthy of love, will always be alone,
that she should die. I saw her suffer from dysphoria -a depression so deep she could barely move and could not speak. She sometimes would cut herself to 'restart time'. She could be so sad for her time would stop -she was in a perpetual hell. This is not the perfect villain with a Machiavellian plan for my torment and destruction -this is the mark of a very hurt and desperate human being.
I feel like all the things that my parents taught me, to be kind, to be honorable, to turn the other cheek, to be there for everyone who needs it
Your parents taught you well. We must turn the other cheek, but we only have two cheeks and once both have been slapped we must then consider if we are perhaps we need to change our actions. I agree we should, as good people be there for other people... up to a point. Once I learn someone is dangerous to me I remove this person from my life -it takes me a while and perhaps I try too hard and too long. But ultimately my self preservation is my first responsibility.
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” - Maya Angelou
I want to see her broken... ...life [to] drag her down... ...karma...
FJM if she does in fact suffer from BPD she is broken and far more broken than we as neurotypical people can understand.. Unless she receives treatment, usually they need to hit rock bottom to embrace therapy, her life will continue to be a day in and day out living hell.
--I would not wish BPD on my worst enemy.Where is the karma? If like many people suffering from BPD, she had an incredibly painful childhood, where is the Karma? When she goes through life desperately needing to feel loved, and yet has no ability to be in a healthy relationship -where is the karma?
...nice guys finish last.
No... Actually we don't in the long run. At the end of the day we can rest assured we are living to
our code and doing what we believe is right. We do not live under a black cloud of shame. We do not have a closet full of skeletons (bad memories) which haunt us day in and day out. Whether in business or interpersonal relationships I believe kindness is a worthwhile endeavor.
JNChell pointed out
anger is part of the grieving process.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression and Acceptance. Finding acceptance, which means having a peaceful heart, is our goal. I am glad to hear you are hitting the gym, but please remember moderation. A muscle tear or tendonitis will not make you feel better... There is no 'denying' or 'bargaining' with a muscle tear... And anger only makes them worse... [I had been a power lifter when I was young --pushing too hard and having to take weeks or months off due to an injury felt horrible]
I was never able to be angry at my ex. I felt like it would be like being mad at a cat for being a cat. I feel deep pity for her and for the relationship we both lost. If I have any rage it is against a world where little girls are treated so badly they end up broken and incapable of having a loving relationship. --I was
devastated when our relationship ended, but could not find anger.
zeus123 used the word 'predator' and 'victim'. Actually, from my observation my ex is not a
predator she is desperate and sad young woman trying to just make it through the day. I am by no meaning of the word a
victim -I never have been and I with luck never will be.
People with BPD are not psychopaths [barring a rare comorbidity... yep... I read a few of the studies]. They have feelings -too many feelings. They treated us badly not out of sadism, but because of desperately bad coping mechanisms. They are feeling crushing sadness and shame so their poor coping mechanisms might cause them to impulsively cheat on us -this brings on shame. Shame requires even more desperate coping. This is the pitiful cycle of BPD as I understand it. Personality disorders are life long conditions which can be managed through intense therapy -but they never completely go away.
Be angry -but let it go. Don't get stuck and don't worry about revenge -she will take care of this on her own.
Wicker Man.
