Much ado about nothing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

On the weekend my husband arranged to visit a friend and suggested I come to visit the friend's wife, who is a friend of mine as well.  I texted the wife to see if she was free.  My husband changed the time of the visit because he wanted to watch a race on tv so I asked what time he planned to go so I could let the wife know.  He went into a rage and said I was not to ask or know when he planned to leave the house.  I said I just want to know if the wife is available at the new time.  He would not respond.  Later that evening the topic came up again, and he became angry again, snatched my cell phone and started scrolling thru the contacts yelling, who is this? why is this person in your contact list?, as if I am up to something.  He started calling the contacts and finally stopped.  The next morning the first thing he said is to call the wife and see if she is free. I said forget it, I have my own stuff to do.  He said, oh, I'm the blame now.  So he goes to his friend's place and says he will be gone an hour and comes back after 3 hours.  I went for a short bike ride and worked in the garden for a couple of hours.  During the bike ride he calls and is infuriated that I am not at home to look for his cigarettes. I said, what can I do anyway, you have the car. When he arrived home he told me that I had just come back from the bike ride, which was completely untrue and you could see the work in the garden took some time.  Then I said I am going to the corner store for some garden flowers and that resulted in him telling me no, not to go there and which store to go to.  I ended up at the store I wanted to go to because his store did not have the flowers I wanted.  I didn't tell him I ended up at my store.  I am so tired of the paranoia and suspicion over nothing.  There is no normal life.  You should see what happens if I try to go out on my own plans: it doesn't happen.  I feel the only way this will stop is for me to leave.  I have been reading about safety and this is not safe living with someone threatening and accusing.  All the wear and tear over nothing when it could have been an enjoyable spring day.

[highlife]

On the weekend my husband arranged to visit a friend and suggested I come to visit the friend's wife, who is a friend of mine as well.  I texted the wife to see if she was free.  My husband changed the time of the visit because he wanted to watch a race on tv so I asked what time he planned to go so I could let the wife know.  He went into a rage and said I was not to ask or know when he planned to leave the house.  I said I just want to know if the wife is available at the new time.  He would not respond.  Later that evening the topic came up again, and he became angry again, snatched my cell phone and started scrolling thru the contacts yelling, who is this? why is this person in your contact list?, as if I am up to something.  He started calling the contacts and finally stopped.  The next morning the first thing he said is to call the wife and see if she is free. I said forget it, I have my own stuff to do.  He said, oh, I'm the blame now.  So he goes to his friend's place and says he will be gone an hour and comes back after 3 hours.  I went for a short bike ride and worked in the garden for a couple of hours.  During the bike ride he calls and is infuriated that I am not at home to look for his cigarettes. I said, what can I do anyway, you have the car. When he arrived home he told me that I had just come back from the bike ride, which was completely untrue and you could see the work in the garden took some time.  Then I said I am going to the corner store for some garden flowers and that resulted in him telling me no, not to go there and which store to go to.  I ended up at the store I wanted to go to because his store did not have the flowers I wanted.  I didn't tell him I ended up at my store.  I am so tired of the paranoia and suspicion over nothing.  There is no normal life.  You should see what happens if I try to go out on my own plans: it doesn't happen.  I feel the only way this will stop is for me to leave.  I have been reading about safety and this is not safe living with someone threatening and accusing.  All the wear and tear over nothing when it could have been an enjoyable spring day.

[Cat Familiar]

I have been reading about safety and this is not safe living with someone threatening and accusing.  All the wear and tear over nothing when it could have been an enjoyable spring day.

If you are thinking about possibly leaving at some point in the future, what can you do in the meantime, given that your partner is suspicious and controlling?

[formflier]

  I feel the only way this will stop is for me to leave. 

What if you lived you life...and did not submit to his controlling tactics?


FF

[highlife]

Two good points!  I think I need to read more about strategy to deal with bp controlling behaviour and learn from the board.  I have to really think about this.  I don't live my own life because I am controlled by fear.  For example, my son does not like my husband and won't visit our home or associate with him so my husband retaliates by not "allowing" me to see my son on my own.  This breaks my heart and fear is the only thing that stops me.  If I get put through that just over a simple visit with a friend, you can imagine what seeing my son would do.  Then I hate myself for being weak and making my son suffer because of mental illness.  At this point in time, I feel lost.

[formflier]

Is it your husband that won't "allow it"? 

Who gave him the vote (control) over your relationship with another person?

FF

[highlife]

He maintains control by using his temper anytime I try to see a friend or one of my kids.  I know I should not have tolerated this but it degenerated over time.  It didn't start out like this.  Now he wants to move to a rural property where I will be more isolated than ever.  I am not going.  He does not see the control and how he isolates but everyone else does.  He thinks he is the boss and makes the best decisions so I should do what he says.  It's his way or the highway.  There is alot of arguing which he says causes anxiety for the dog!  He doesn't see his role in it.

[formflier]

What if you stop arguing and expressed your values in what you do...?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

How about not trying to show him his "role" in conflicts, but refusing to participate in them?

[highlife]

Yes, you are both right.  I have alot to learn.  I'll keep trying.  I can't post very often because he is around alot, but I will get back to you.  I need to keep reading strategies on this site.