Parenting Issues w/uBPDw

[Joe73312]

Hello. 

My uBPDw and I have been married for 10 years and have an 8yo daughter.  About 2 years ago, after years of ups/downs and not understanding things, I suspected my W may have BPD, after many sessions with my T and reading SWOE.  All helpful, and I continue with support from my T.

As my daughter has continued to grow, the conflict between her and my uBPDw has grown much worse.  For the first couple of years, I thought the tantrums and challenges my daughter experienced were normal for her age.  At 8, however, she throws tantrums, most often in direct response to my W’s increasing demands.  My W was raised by a domineering mother who, by all accounts, seemed to have an emotionally and verbally abusive parenting style.  My W appears to be patterning after her own mother (and rejecting my parenting style, which is much more calm, encouraging, positive and permissive).  These tantrums only occur between my W and daughter...not at school, church, with friends/play dates, etc.

Anyway, for the last year, when my wife is at wit’s end with trying to parent, she threatens to check my daughter into a psychiatric facility and “finally find someone to help her”.  That threat is usually done in a moment of raging at me, when she cannot control or obtain my daughter’s cooperation and blames me for my parenting style (which she demeans as “coddling”, because I try to be rational and calm with my daughter, versus screaming at her, locking her in her room for time out, etc).

Has anyone experienced this type of conflict between a BPD mom and non-BPD (fingers crossed) child? 

My uBPDw has had a substance abuse issue for nearly 3 years (addicted to marijuana as a way to self-medicate between BPD rages), and my take is that the conflict is far more about my wife than my daughter, though she is by no means perfect.  She refuses professional treatment for substance abuse and raged at me for several months when she real my personal journal notes from the SWOE workbook.

Anyway, I’m at a loss.  I’m considering divorce, but in speaking with an attorney, understand the courts will not grant me full custody.  I don’t want to leave the marriage and not be there to protect my daughter from becoming the further target of rage and/or being checked into a facility.  I also have hope that somehow my W will turn herself around.

Any thoughts from this group would be incredibly helpful.

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

First, take heart on the custody part.  I speak as someone with primary custody.  There's also the reality of a marijuana issue.  Be prepared to go scorched earth if you go that route, however. 

In terms of the tantrums, I'd give the wife a chance to air out her rationale.  You know what the pattern is, but perhaps by talking to her, especially using SET and DEARMAN, you can find out way more than you know right now.  It won't solve it, but at least you can be aware of the triggers and act accordingly.