How to start making this better? (I know it has to start with me.)

[JustMe123]

Hi,

I would love some guidance.  My husband of just about 23 years had his BPD symptoms burst onto the scene about 13 years ago after we had a house fire.

This last year, he had two suicide attempts. The second one, I directed the police to him due to a tracker I had on his vehicle after the first attempt. He ended up spending 10 days in the ICU for that one and really hasn't forgiven me for keeping him alive.  Our relationship was on the rocks before the second attempt and basically crumbled away at the end of last year.

The crumbling most likely has a lot to do with my reaction to him and my inability to build him up the way he needs to be.  I am hurt and angry about how things have radically changed over the last decade.  I know I need to figure out how to support him but there is always a voice at the back of my mind that says "what about what *I* need and want."  (LOL that is definitely my life long baggage from when I was a kid.)

He isn't in therapy and could not find anyone to work with him after he got out of the hospital. The trigger for his second attempt was his therapist of 4 years handing him a letter saying that she couldn't help him anymore.  When he tried finding a therapist after he got out of the hospital, he had at least 3 say that he was too high risk for him.  Needless to say, he stopped trying.  He believes that DBT isn't for him though he knows all the key theories.  He has had IOP, PHP and inpatient hospitalization.  None of the stuff has clicked with him.  He eternally thinks he is beyond getting better so why bother.

He is currently VERY emotionally distant and does not communicate with me at all.  Some days he is coping better than others but when he is struggling, everyone in the house can feel it.  It is like static electricity that is on the verge of exploding.

I don't know how to help him.  I feel like it is all on my shoulders to get us to a better place.  Leaving is not an option.  Based on what happened when his mother left his father (he killed himself the same night she left) and the fact that he keeps trying to replicate how his father killed himself, I could not live with the very likely outcome.

DBT / Borderline therapists are very scarce around these parts.  They are all either booked out or are not in network without insurance.  Money is an issue.  I tried going to a therapist for myself but I firmly believe that if they don't have training in the workings of a BPD mind, the suggestions given really are off the mark in dealing with how a BPD mind works.

I am feeling particularly bitter at this time about how much he is drinking and self-harming.  It is a wicked pattern.  I am really tired of playing the EMT and patching him up so he doesn't bleed all over the place.  We have all three of our kids here (ages 17-22) and seeing dried blood stains across the carpet as he makes his way to bed just doesn't bode well.  I would like to have him drink less and not cut but I don't know how to approach the issue and get the results that I am looking for. 

Any suggestions you could offer would be greatly appreciated.  I am just so tired of it all and really rather feel like I am actually making strides to improve the situation instead of standing helplessly by waiting for him to try and kill himself again.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi JustME123,

First of all I want to say that you did right in directing the police to him during a suicide attempt. This is too much for you to handle alone. No person should bear the responsibility for keeping another alive. I would imagine it is both scary and exhausting.

He has tried a lot of different therapies and treatments. Has he been to rehab for drinking? Or is it not at that point?

The crumbling most likely has a lot to do with my reaction to him and my inability to build him up the way he needs to be.

Learning better relationship skills is for sure a good thing, both in these relationships and in life in general. That includes learning communications skills, how to set and uphold boundaries, and how to separate what is our suff from their stuff so that we don't overreact, but rather stay centred. I don't know that you should 'build him up the way he needs to be', though. As unwell as he is, it's still on him to feel good about himself. It's his responsibility. Your responsibility is to work on your relationship skills and your issues.

I know I need to figure out how to support him but there is always a voice at the back of my mind that says "what about what *I* need and want."  (LOL that is definitely my life long baggage from when I was a kid.)

How I recognise the resentment here. Someone with BPD or other emotional issues is pretty self centred, their emotions take up all the space, there isn't much room for other's needs and wants. Usually I would say continue to work on you, work the relationship skills. This is a little heavier, though, as there is suicide attempts on his part.

The suicide attempts and the drinking will have to be tackled first, I think.
Have you been in contact with a suicide hotline? They can help advice you on what to do so that you are not stuck in this situation.

[JustMe123]

Thanks for your thoughts, Scarlet Phoenix. Very much appreciated.

That includes learning communications skills, how to set and uphold boundaries

I have been wondering about this.  I feel like there should be boundaries, but am not sure how to figure out what realistic boundaries should be.  On top of that, how do you proceed with setting them when you have a very triggerable person in the mix? I sort of live my life trying not to set him off so the drama levels stay as low as possible.  I know that isn't the most healthy way to deal with it, but I do not feel confident enough and knowledgable enough to take actions that will not result is a very serious dramatic outcome. 

As for the learning communication skills, which book out there would be the best for me to read (only one because sitting and reading isn't something I have much time for) or are there any online resources that would help me learn and feel more confident? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I will search the boards after I post this to see what has been said previously.

I don't know that you should 'build him up the way he needs to be', though. As unwell as he is, it's still on him to feel good about himself. It's his responsibility.

I think what I really meant here is do things that don't actually make the situation any worse.  It seems like most of what I say or do is wildly misinterpreted by him.

The suicide attempts and the drinking will have to be tackled first, I think.

We may have the attempts under control at the moment.  Both times were overdoses with his medications.  I now have them under lock and key and hidden (or taken with me when my radar says things are really off).  As for the drinking and rehab, I think if he felt better, his drinking would taper off. (At least that is how it has been in the past.)  Rehab isn't an option at this point because of money and the fact that it would be a major "oh hell no" on his part.

As he can't find a bpd therapist to work with him (and he has basically given up on thinking that anyone would ever help him) I almost feel like if I learn the dbt skills myself and learn how to communicate with him in that language, it will help him find a more level jumping off place.  LOL I just wish it was super easy to learn and implement.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for coming back with more information. I'm glad the suicide attempts are under control for now.

Don't worry about not having time for doing extensive reading. We have articles here that you can use!

So, as for boundaries. We have this workshop: Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits. In the start it can feel a little overwhelming, so a good idea is staring with focus on one thing. Remember that everything can't be fixed in one day, it's slow going. What is one area you would like to focus on? Like yelling at you, talking down to you, spending too much etc. We can help you work on it to see more clearly what you can do. The good news is that you can do this without any participation from your husband. It's not about ultimatums or demands. Boundaries are different.

Another good skill is validation and avoiding invalidation. Very often we are invalidating without realising it, at least to someone who is as sensitive as our partners. So practising this can give positive results. Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating is a good place to start. It's all about understanding their point of view, and showing that. It's not about agreeing with how they feel. As you learn more how to do this, and it becomes more natural for you, the communication between you will be calmer.