Repeating hurt

[Borderlined]

How do I respond in a healthy way to my wife when she gets stuck on something that hurts her. The smallest things that most wouldn't consider becomes a focus that she won't let go.
Since I got in from work I've heard a list of 4 family members that have hurt her and all she does is keep talking about it.  Learning about BPD, I see a pattern.  I know now not to dismiss her when she is getting me nuts by yapping over abs over. But is validating her feelings the only thing I can do? She gives me a put in my stomach. I would rather plan a fun weekend, not hear over and over and over and over what her family has unintentionally  done speaking to them on the phone today.  I wake up at 3am and run all day. When I walk in at 6pm it's frustrating that I can't be glad to be home

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Not every cry for help is a cry for help, sometimes its a bid for connection.

But is validating her feelings the only thing I can do?

its easy to validate the complaint (yeah they are evil people for doing that to you), but what's under the sensitivity to "the smallest things"?

why does she's feel attacked/neglected? what need does that step over, leaving her abandoned and desperately trying to get someone else (you) involved?

validating the deeper need, understanding what she can't put into words and just "gets it out" by bad mouthing others, is probably the goal here I think.

Is there something in common about these "little things" that you can notice? you mention it being about family members, is it always about people or are "fun weekend" things/events/mishaps also a target?

[truthbeknown]

Is she an extrovert? I'm just asking because as an extrovert myself and having been in relationship with one, I notice that there is a fine line between what seems like complaining to others vs giving recaps of the days events in order to make conversation.    I'm not saying on top of that that she doesn't have oversensitivity issues but I was also just wondering because when I've been in relationships with introverts like I am not, the extrovert "play by play" of the days events can seem overwhelming.