Do I really want her back

[Ecan]

 Hello I'm still trying to figure how all this posting stuff works so bare with me if mistakes are made thank you.
This is shorter.
 Last month ,boy saying ex really sucks, my now ex wrote a real nasty note the worst she has ever written. We don't live together and been separated by a brake up I thought since Nov. We've been going back and forth like a chess game with each step I take she counters it ever since.

 I was very depressed in Feb. ane because  of the stress from what she was saying to me I reacted and changed my phone number. Big mistake she did to along with her emails which she didn't mine emailing me and then canceling that address.Madding.

 A month ago I was feeling better started to work more and had reflected on a lot and wrote a letter to her and was carrying it in my car for a perfect moment. That Monday the first day back working more hours I hear a voice behind me. She gave me a note and a card written in 3rd person from my Higher Power that got her to bring it. It did state in the note that she didn't want contact and that she was a broken down  messenger that I failed to see. I wish I would have. The 3rd person thing new to me anyone out there experience that before?

 I had'nt set eyes on her for 5 months and the sight of her had a baffling affect on me. My body got amped up and my mind got impulsive. So I made a big mistake and put that letter I had on her car. Totally not grasping reality. For one she doesn't like things put on her car and she said through HP that she didn't want contact.

 I did think better of it later went back got letter off car but got struck stupid again and put a note in her car door that was the the same lines as her card from my HP. WTF is wrong with me.

 I find note in my truck totally destroying me to the point she said the real me is dead and she wants me out of her life. That I was a predator and to stop violating her.

Doing this I found out that something's up with her mom her mom was not in the car with her( she was driving her moms car) wen she came to my work nor was her mom home when I retrieved the letter. I don't know what to do with that either.

All this happen in April for the month of May being mothers day and her birthday I didn't want to cause her further pain dealing with me so I have been waiting hoping she might would come around. She has not.

I hate knowing she is in so much pain,her mother is her world not to mention what ever her perception of me is. I want badly to reach out and get her understand I was not trying to harm her I just lost my mind and that i am there for her but I am afraid my stupidity was the last straw.

On the other hand If she thinks I am dead she won't come back and that dose appeal to me on some level. I still can't think of a life with out her we were best friends for 12 years before our 2 year roll a coaster.

I also think I have been painted the darkest black she can find from that note and any effort to mend just may cause her more pain.

I think I have the answers I just don't know how to retrieve them. Any help is welcomed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ecan-
I posted a response under your other thread.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes